Does anybody have any Jokes?

Question

if i laugh you get 10 points :D

Answer 1

$1 bill meets $20 bill

A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

Answer 2

Previously on yahoo answers...got it from my old roommate

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme

sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home

from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that

I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was

more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by

the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew

it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I

released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed

delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the

telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and

went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure

was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room

I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running

over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three

more. The stink

was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,

I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my

freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on

my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and

pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband

returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I

had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests

seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

Answer 4

a lady was working in her garden and her husband came out, he said honey your a** has gotten as big as our gas grill. she told him to shut up and she went back to gardening. A few minutes later her husband came back with a measuring tape and measured the grill then measured her a** he said look, your a** is as big as this gas grill. Later on that night when they went to bed the husband wanted to mess around. His wife turned to him and said don't think I'm going to fire up this big a** grill for one little weiner!!

Answer 5

10 most stupid questions...hope they make u laugh

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:-

Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven't particularly s hr unk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-

Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-

No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Answer 6

Check out the 'Jokes' section on LiketoLaugh.com.

http://www.liketolaugh.com/jokes.php

Answer 7

a blonde is walking on a train track and suddenly a brunette comes running beside her screaming "21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21...". the blonde gets confused but she continues to walk on the tracks. A train blows its horn and the blonde can barely hear the brunette. The brunette stops and when the train passes her up she starts yelling "22 22 22 22 22 22 22 22..."

Answer 8

what is green and red and goes 125 milers per hour???

a frog in a blender!!!

hehehehe cracks me up every time

Answer 9

Okay, I made this up so it might be dumb..

So two girls are sitting in a living room eating lunch, one was a blond and the other a brunette. The brunette asks if the blond could go and get some crumpets, the blond of course is confused but nods and goes to the music store. ''Somethings wrong here....''

hahahahaha! get it!