Does this make me a monster?

Question

Tonight I asked my sister to leave my house.

She is 50yrs old with no children and makes more money than I do. She has a serious spending problem

I am 34 with a teenage son.

She did pay a small amt of rent (nothing else) but she was invading my privacy and personal time. She is not disabled or otherwise. I let her live with me for six months. She was supposed to save money and pay off bills but...

So tonight I politely asked her to make plans to leave soon.

She got angry and began to pack immediately.

So do you think I am wrong. Does that make me a monster?

Answer 1

NO, you are NOT a monster. I have a 58 yr old daughter who cannot, repeat, cannot habdle money. She came to live with us until she could get a place. It lasted 4 yrs. She had our oncec veat house full of her stuff. [small house] Piled in corners in the living room, jitchen, our bedroom and upstairs and a whole closet i built for my wife. She always answered the phone,complained it was too hot, so my wife and i froze in our own home while she was comfortable. We had to buy gas for the car that i bought forc her.

We finally told her we were selling the house and dh\e hsd to finfd a place. That was 3 yrs ago. Finally she moved this summer. I immediately put my house up for sale.  Her stuff still isnt all out of here. Count yourself lucky. And you did the RIGHT thing. Been there.

Answer 2

What you have been doing up until this time, is what they call enabling.   It happens with regard to an alcoholic sibling or parent, and it is because they are loved.  Alcohol doesn't have to be involved, living off others is a very common enabling situation.  We can love and try to assist, but most times we are loving and hurting them at the same time.  If another relative takes her in under the same circumstances, the same choices will be made by your sister and she will never get out of the hole she is digging for herself.   However, all you can do is make sure that your love for her is not assisting her in continuing this pattern.  You cannot MAKE her do anything and you cannot make this other relative, do one thing or another, they are going to have to find out for themrself.  When you have a family, which in this case is your teenage son, you must put him first.  This wasn't a very good example to him as to how one should spend their money or live their lives.  It is interesting how one person, in a teens life, can make the difference between negative and positive choices.

You did the right thing I believe.  You do not have to cut her out of your life, you can still connect but since you have stopped "enabling" her, she may choose to cut herself off from you.   That is the way it usually works sadly.  

Answer 3

Wow, so you let her stay six months. That is 5 months too long. You can't have relatives living with you.

You gave her a very polite message as to her departure. "I politely asked her to make plans to leave soon." Now that is awesome. You gave her a window to work with. Very generous of you.

Don't worry, once she finds her own place, she'll be back to acting as a sister. Good Luck.

Answer 4

no

Answer 5

Nope, not a monster, just a responsible adult.  I applaud you...too many times we let people walk all over us and we dont say anything, especially when it is family...so good for you.

Answer 6

Six months should be enough time for a person to get on their feet. You are not wrong. You said that she started packing her things, sounds like she is ready.

Answer 7

You are not at all a monster, it sounds like, she was taking advantage of her situation there with you and your son.  First privacy is important to everyone and at her age, I would have thought she'd respect yours, as she would want her own privacy respected.

You mentioned she is moving to another relative, eventually she will run out of places and  the relatives will catch on, and maybe one day, she will actually thank you.

You said you were polite in asking,that she's not disabled and only a spendthrift, so  don't let it bother you.

Answer 8

you should stick by her side coz shes you sister. Just think. what would she do if you were in her position, would she kick you out.. Just help her through it and say that its her last chance.. Itll work  

Answer 9

You're not a monster.

She needs to grow up, that's all.

Answer 10

she's your sister, staymay.... that relationship matters alot. you should have told her that she's invading your privacy and you dont like it....you really shouldn't have kicked her out...i'd never kick my sister out for anything, she needs your help and apparently you are the only one that can help her out... you shouldn't have burst her bubble coz you might have another sister or cousin or friend but she chose to stay with you coz she knows you are the only person that can accomodate her.... you need to apologise and tell her you dont want her intruding in your personal affairs which she has been doing and has pushed you to the wall that was why you got so angry and over reacted .....

Answer 11

I would say in your added details it sounds like a perfect arrangement for her. I do hope that you & your sister will not become distant in your relationship with each other. Keep the bond & clear the air. Life is to short for regrets. I'm glad you have your privacy back to enjoy with your son.You can only help people, if they want to help themselves. Seems you where being used a bit.

Good luck to you & her & may God Bless you both. ~~~~~~

Answer 12

I don't know how you were raised together..what i want to  know if a 50 year old has her own money why doesn't she have her own place?  you know if it's under normal conditions a person should think about having their own space..usually at a younger age..if she is babied all had better stop she is being done an injustice if she isn't allowed and encouraged to grow up. Good Luck with this and no you aren't a monster it's normal to want a little spce and should be respected.  Good Luck.

Answer 13

You did the right thing. She should never have been allowed to move in without some sort of deadline anyway.

Your sister is messed up and will continue to mooch off of one relative after the next until she runs out of people to mooch off of.

Answer 14

NO  your not a monster.   You allowed her there for awhile, that was enough time.

we can help others, but not let them take over  or invade our privacy.

Your ok  u did nothing wrong.

Answer 15

no but don't like push her out. give her time to find another place.  

Answer 16

You're no monster, actually 3 days is supposedly the limit for fish and relatives.

Answer 17

You weren't wrong for asking her to leave.  

You do have rights lady and good for you !  

Answer 18

You have to do what is best for your family, since you are head of household. Don't worry about what others think if you are making  your best decision.

Answer 19

No.

Answer 20

ur not a monster

she needs a reality check

Answer 21

Boy if she was able to manipulate you into feeling guilty, she is the monster.

Why would a woman half a century old, with no children and no apparent disabilities need to depend on others to provide her with shelter.  Actually as I write this I believe she has to be mentally/emotionally disabled to even be in this situation.

This does not make you a monster.  Don't buy into it.  She is manipulative.  

I totally support you, for what that's worth.

Answer 22

You are definitely NOT a monster!!!

In fact, you are like a fairy godmother who gives your sister what she really needs.

The reason you doubt your actions is also the reason your sister was able to manipulate you in the first place.

Answer 23

You are not a monster.  She put you in an unhappy situation by moving in and taking advantage of you generousity and you were right to ask her to move.  I think it's great you didn't lose it and order her out, for that she should be greatful.  Don't fret, she'll get over it and in the mean time you and the boy can get on with the art of living.

Answer 24

ur not a monster... u did the right thing

Answer 25

I think if you straight out asked her to make plans to leave soon, without discussing things first, then that's not right. She's your sister, and if you felt she was not paying you enough, and invading your privacy, you should tell her first so she has the option to pay more rent and not be intrusive. If you had given her warning and notice before and nothing had changed, then it would be more ok, but it just seems wrong from what you have written, to have done that.

When she moved in, did she agree to pay you a certain amount but then decided to pay you less than the agreed upon amount? Or has she been paying you what you asked for, only you felt it wasn't enough and without communicating it to her, got angry and are kicking her out?

Keep in mind, that as someone who doesn't have children, she has only herself to spend on so it might look like she's spending it on all the wrong places, but she's a grown woman. I don't have children either and my sisters get mad that they're in a lot of debt and have several children to feed, but am I supposed to pay their bills? I have  a lot of bills too, but it's up to me how I spend my money. I just hope you talked to her before giving her the boot.

FYI by law, once she has lived with you for 6 months (minimum of 3), even if she were not paying rent, she is considered a tennant and you would have to give her a 30 day notice to move out (I'm a licensed realitor and that's the case in California, i don't know about your state). She might not know the law or likely won't stay knowing she's not wanted, but basically it's wrong to throw someone out without compassion like that. Must be very painful for her to not have a home and her own sister to kick her out.

Answer 26

No, it sounds more like you finally got some backbone and stood up for yourself.  Any one can and do, take advantage if we permit it.  Why should she think about moving when she had it made and able to spend, spend, spend?  You took her in ----in good faith hoping to help her ,but instead you became her enabler.  Monster-----I don't think so.Wise--------took 6 mo. but you finally made it.Good luck and don't be so gullible next time.

Answer 27

Don't let the guilt pull you down !  You did the right thing ! Your sister is a user, and you are a giver !  I like your personality better than hers !  Maybe she will wake up when he next relative asks her to move too !

Answer 28

Nope, you are not a monster. Your sister should be old enough to realize the right thing for her to do. And it is not moving in with you, her 16 - year younger sister. You are still young, and would probably need some space to yourself. You shouldn't feel bad, since she has another relative to move in with. You should only feel bad if your sister has no where to go, no money, and no support from anyone if she doesn't stay with you.  

Answer 29

Your in the right here.

Helping someone is one thing but when someone starts taking advantage of you is another.

Answer 30

nothing is  wrong with it as  long as it is for  her good.. do she have place to transfer? maybe  she really needed  some help that's  why she asked to be with you...if she invades your personal life then tell her ..there is no need  to kick her out of the  house.. just let her know her boundaries  that you have your own life to life and so as she is apart from being sisters.