Engaged and Mom Problems?

Question

My mom loved fiancé until we got engaged.My parents even granted their blessing when he asked to marry me.Now she sends me on guilt trips for not seeing her as much as his family even though she never visits us.She gripes when I have plans with his family. She was not welcoming or inviting of him when we were first engaged(didn't even say 'congrats' or give a hug)We didn't talk for months.I don't even know how to talk to her about planning the wedding (and I've now been engaged 8 mo w/nada)I'm afraid to talk about him.My second issue is his mother.I hate her.She is insane and has no boundaries.She buys him underwear and comes between me and him.She calls ALL THE TIME.She wants to know every detail of his/my/our lives.His dad is judgmental and sexist but that's another problem. If we don't answer the phone on the first try,she calls&calls until we answer.She dotes far too much on him.She is selfabsorbed,judgmental,loud,gross,gossi... fiancé knows how I feel.What to do?

Answer 1

I think you eventually get to a point when you have to pick your battles.

Everything you have listed is much bigger than you. Its not something that you can simply fix. It will require a huge amount of effort on everyone else part, and this is assuming they even admit there is a problem in the first place.

In all honestly - even though it hurts you, I think you should put your head down and just focus on you and your beautiful wedding with your man. Surround yourself with loving supportive friends plan your day to be great.

And just maybe, the others in question will follow your lead and become more agreeable.

Answer 2

Golly, gee whiz, Beaver!  Sounds like a problem that tons of people have when blending families. You're not alone.

Be mature and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and that you are simply a part of two families now. All have quirks, issues and their own way of doing things. Your mission is to figure out how to work around and with these different personalities because, my dear, they will be there the rest of your life. The sooner you figure it all out, the easier life will be for you. Best wishes!

(About the underwear;  she's used to buying it for him and probably hasn't ever thought about it. Let your fiance be the person who tells her to stop. He can do it in a nice way, and not include you in the discussion. Issue can be solved easily.)

Answer 3

I am in the same situation with my mother. We are actually not even on speaking terms at the moment. All of my family says that she is jealous and doesn't want her baby to be with someone else. My mom went as far to call  my ex-husband (who I have a child with) and tell him how much she doesn't like my fiance! I just emailed her and told her that I was an adult and I loved my fiance and she had no right to be jealous of his family. I am leaving it at that, if she chooses to be a part in all of this then she will. If not she is missing out! As for my future mother in law! I love mine!

Answer 4

sit down and explain to them that you love him and if this continues that with there behaviour it could send me away from my family and friends all together so tell them to back off and not to worry as much

Answer 5

WOW Big problems you should try and talk it trough with both sides before the marriage see if you can't work thing through it could cause problems later

Answer 6

It sounds like you are nervous about the change that is coming. Since when does it matter what your parents or in-laws think? Just plan your wedding and treat your mother and mother-in-law with respect and things will work out. As far as his relationship with his mother he will have to handle that. When he gets tired of her doting he will let her know. Stay away from that one.

Answer 7

First i'd talk to your fiance and explain to him that you dont like her being so involved in your lives. Ask him to speak to his Mother and then you can deal with yours. Be totally upfront with her. Tell her you love your fiance and her very mcuh to start with. Than say something like there is so much tension coming from us and I really wanted to get it cleared up. Explain to her that you have a really special time coming up in your life and you want her to be there for you.

Sounds like your mum could be feeling a little insecure and left out. Give her some reassurance about how important she is to you.

Best of luck

Answer 8

Each of you needs to sit down with your parents. You with yours and him with his, and have a frank discussion with both of them.  You need to ask your parents (without him there) why they suddenly changed how they feel about him when you got engaged.  The are more apt to be truthful about whatever issue it is if he is not present.  Then you can address whatever it is.  Tell Mom to stop acting like a spoiled child that she must now realize that you need to spend time equally that his parents are just as important to him as your parents are you you.  He also needs to sit down with his folks without you (again, he is apt to get more truthful answers-and then there is no hurt feelings for you) and he needs to tell Mom that he will now be a married man and that now the two of you need to build a life together, that both of you plan on splitting your time between both familys and that she needs to give you space sometimes.

Technically, they are both doing the exact same thing.  Each one is so afraid of losing their child that they are acting like children themselves.  One is acting like a spoiled brat for attention, and the other is becoming so clingy and obessive so that they get the attention.  What neither realize is that they are both pushing both of you away.  The sooner you can address this with them, call it what is is, and assure each that you are not leaving them behind, the better things will be for your future.  

Congratulations and Good Luck!