Family and Homeschool?

Question

OK this is a very long story, so let me dive right in. I emailed my son's ITBS (standardized test scores) to all of my siblings and my mom, to brag up that "see, homeschooling is working!" (they've been less than supportive on this subject).

I spoke on the telephone to one sib and asked if she'd recieved the email. She hadn't and then asked me why I homeschool, anyway.

I gave her my pat answer, that usually shuts up everyone, without offending them. "Well, we do it for a lot of reasons, but we think it works for us, and I know it works for him (my son)."

She lit into me like I was strapping that child to a table and beating him. The first thing out of her mouth was "well that isn't the main reason." Laughing a bit, I asked what the "main" reason is. What she said to me in reply was "So you don't have to go out and get a job." She then intimated that I was 'robbing' my son of the chance to make friends; that I was a horrible mother; and that I was not "qualified" to eval. a teacher.

Answer 1

I used to worry all the time about what other people thought of me being homeschooled, and I went out of my way to show people that it was working, and working well... but this just made me unhappy, a little arrogant, and afraid to mess up in front of the people I worried might be skeptics...

Then I decided it doesn't matter what other people think about you. And you shouldn't let their biased perspectives upset you, or make you feel you have to prove something. If you feel this way, no doubt your little one will pick up on it, and maybe start to worry that there really is something wrong with homeschooling (which there most certainly isn't!) If the topic of school comes up over Christmas, you could try a few things... One would be to politely get off the subject.

"He is doing very well in school, but it's christmas time now and he's on break. Now, will someone pass the stuffing?" You get the idea.

You could treat it like a casual conversation about your children and be like any parent, showing pride and wanting to show others what he's done.

"School is going well. Look at the wonderful diarama/writing assignment/art project/spelling test/standardized test scores/etc he just did. I'm so proud of him!" Act like he's an ordinary school child and you're an ordinary parent having an ordinary conversation (not confrontation) about how well your boy does in school.

You could also comment on things he's doing as a homeschooler that set him apart from public schoolers. Casually mention a field trip you've gone on/are planning to go on, a unique project he's done, how far ahead of age-mates he is, or friends he's made through homeschool activities. Or you could let him speak for himself and show his intelligence. Let them ask HIM if he likes being homeschooled, what he's learning, what he's done that he enjoyed, etc.

Just don't feel overly pressured to prove anything.If they don't approve of HSing...well, they'll come around when he's getting into the best universities and getting top notch scores on the SAT/ACT/AP tests... When he's academically, socially, and developmentally more advanced than other kids his age, and has more opportunities open to him because of it. You know homeschooling works. Your son knows it works. If they don't see it yet, it isn't your fault, nor is it your problem. I know they're family, and we naturally seek approval from family, but you need to put your son first here and not spoil his schooling OR his holiday by stressing over what his aunts and uncles think. And if someone decides to make it into a big confrontation, tell them this outright. You know what is best, and if they doubt you, they can look at the stats, the studies, and the statistics and get some FACTS before throwing out OPINIONS.

Answer 2

OK, I was homeschooled up to 7th grade. In 7th grade, I started going to public school. Personally, I like it better because I like meeting new people. I'm in 8th right now and have tons of friends. Stereotypes about homeschoolers can be true but not always. I'm sort of glad I was homeschooled because I learned to read really well and I get like straight A's in all my classes in public school right now. And personally, I think my social skills are fine, but I think that's just my personality, so you might want to consider public school so he can develop his social skills more. Hope that helped, even though I don't really know how to deal with your situation.

Answer 3

If you ever start to doubt yourself, just take a look at the thoughtful responses given here by homeschool students like i_come_from_under_the_hill.

Get a job? Ha ha ha.  Anyone who has ever been the homeschooling "mom" knows that it is a full-time plus job and perhaps the most important "job" of anyone in your family.

Getting a "real" job would be much easier in many ways!

BTW: I just love Janice B's answer of "meeting their expectations!"

Answer 4

The only question I have is, "why do you have such a need to have your family's approval, or affirmation of what you know is right for your family"?

Who are you trying to convince, them, or yourself?

Since we know what choices are best for us as a family, we feel no need to seek the approval of anyone, including family.

In the past we simply told them, this is what we will do, and if you disagree we hope you can be civil about stating so, if you ever have any questions, and would like to know how it works, and what it entails, feel free to ask, call, or visit anytime.

See we are the first, and only ones who choose this life style, on both sides of the family.

The results have spoken for themselves; several still do not like it, and are very vocal about it, our response; whatever rocks their boat.

Convincing anyone of us making the "right choice" takes to much time, and energy robbing our children of time that is better spend with them.

I would like to add a little piece of advice;  that you  consider choosing one or the other, public school, or home school; mixing the two often muddies the waters too much.

Answer 5

"Any ideas on how to handle this situation (because it will arise at Christmas, trust me) when it happens in front of the 20+ family members?"

Stop trying to impress and convince them. They don't have to agree with you. They don't have to understand. If you get stupid things said to you again like, "You're just doing it so you don't have to get a job," you respond with, "I'm sorry you have such a low opinion of me," or "Is that the only reason you would homeschool?" In the end, you may simply have to say, "We've done our homework on this. You don't see me berating you because of your choices, so I'd appreciate it if you just didn't bring it up again." You might even add, "...until you've done your homework on the subject, too. I've looked at the facts; all you're giving me is opinions."

If it gets really bad, you say, "I would like to be respected, even if you don't agree with my decision. I'll come back another time when I feel I can be respected." Then walk out. Seriously. Those who are making negative comments are so stuck in their fears of what will happen to your son that they haven't even thought of how rude they're being or how you might be affected by it.

Answer 6

You can't deal with the ignorant who bow on their knees and pray to false gods they have created in their minds.

Let's take a look at exactly what teaching amounts to.

A college teacher has almost a Masters degree (5-6 years college) or a Masters or PHD (7=8 years college) degree (a high school teacher generally has a 4 year undergraduate degree and 1 semester of education courses).

A college teacher puts their course together from scratch.

A high school teachers has to follow Board of Education course outlines

A college teacher picks or writes their own text book.

A high school teacher has to use the book supplied by the board of education whcih was written by people with PHD and Masters degrees who teach in college.

A high school teacher has to take role every day so the school gets paid by the Fed for each kid.

Colleges don't get paid by the Fed so they don't take role

This, by the way, is a key factor, schools don't get paid for homeschoolers, they lose that money.

The average parent does not actually TEACH, they obtain materials written by college people with PH Ds or Masters Degrees.  Books, software or on line virtual schools.

The parent is just a baby sitter and supervisor to make sure the kid opens the book.

In high school the teachers follow a program of the state, using a book of the state, with a teacher edition that tells them what questions to ask and provides tests and gives them the answers to the tests.

It doesn't take much of an education to read questions from a book or grade papers on tests from the book when the answers are provided.

Kids are in school to get an education not to have a fun time and socialize.

Any parent who thinks school is for socialization deserves the grades their kids get and if that's all Ds it means the kid was really socializing well

And if their 15 year old daughter gets pregant it means she was a great socializer

And if their 16 year old son gets arrested at a booze and pot party, it means the cops were breaking up a truly amazing socialziation event.

Obviously someone is jealous you don't have to go out and work for a living (and I hope you're not on welfare as I am attempting to put an end to that communist concept).

Finally you should feel sorry for those who are not as smart or capable as you are.

Answer 7

I get to deal with the same thing from my in-laws! For Christmas here's what we do. We stay home! We don't visit his side because its the same old same old anti-HS bs. We don't visit my side because it would make his side jealous. So we stay at home Christmas day and visit everyone else on Christmas eve.When it comes up I simply tell the in-laws that they did what was best for their family (their kids are pretty messed up) I'll do what's best for mine! As for not being qualified to be a teacher you can remind her that her teachers went to the same underfunded public schools you went to and just because they have a teaching degree doesn't mean they are specialized in the subject they teach. Geez my biology teacher didn't know a thing about science (he was a football coach)!  When it came to s*x-ed he let a sub teach it! We learned more from the sub in a week than we learned from the coach in a year!

Answer 8

I have a whacky sense of humour and it is also my defense mechanism.  I would show up at the Christmas 'get together' with dirty bedroom  slippers, bathrobe, and curlers in my hair.  I would black out some of my teeth with black paper, scratch alot, and talk about fleas and unexplained rashes.

I would dress my son like Erkle and have him talk in a high pitched nasal voice and have him  cling to me the whole time we were there.  

Be secure in your choice.  You don't owe her any explanations.  I know it is hard because I am almost 55 years old and I still care what my parents and family think about my choices.

It may be that your sister is jealous that she has an unrewarding job and you have a wonderful opportunity to be with your son and to guide and teach him.

Many people who are against homeschooling would change their minds if only they would open their minds.  

Relax.  I think you are doing great!  You are qualified to be a mom and you are qualified to teach.

Answer 9

You don't need their approval nor their understanding and support.  And you might never have it.  So what?  You are Mom.  You just be sure in your own heart and let it go.  Ignore them.  Don't share your son's work with them. You have a responsibility to your husband and child, not to your extended family.  You don't need their approval nor their praise.

And if they make nasty comments to your son about you or about homeschooling, then limit contact.  He doesn't need that rebellious spirit being transferred to him. It will eventually hurt your relationship with him. If they make you feel bad, then you might need to limit contact too.

What you are feeling is very common within the homeschooling community.  You just have to learn to put your priorities in order. Praise or understanding from your Mom or sisters is not important. You don't answer to them.  And you might never get it from them. That's ok.  You see what homeschooling has done for your child.  That's enough.

I'm sorry you have been hurt. Many people have to just limit contact and toughen their hearts a little to allow the criticism to bounce off. Just ignore it.

Answer 10

hey at least you started your kid out in home school. when my parents pulled me out of public school i was realy sad but homeschooling helped me out in many ways. like i was able to see different ways to do math instead of the regular stuff that you need paper for. i was taught manners instead of being yelled at by teachers not learning my mistake. homeschooling is great but you do need a social life. thats why my family got together with other homeschoolers every week. it was realy helpful. im realy glad that your leting your kid interact with others.

Answer 11

Your sister is probably not going to listen to anything you say.  I propose that you act as if nothing was said at the holiday functions.  If your sister or another family member brings it up "kill 'em with kindness" try to find a way to make her look like the butt that she is without saying anything that could be turned around on you.  This is always the best way to deal with these things.  

I think it is great that your child can experience a little bit of both.  This will help him in making his decision later on.  I feel that working mothers and stay at home moms both have a little bit of jeolously towards each other, it is terrible that we have to attack one and other this way.  Although I have never homeschooled, I have experienced working both full and part time and being a stay at home mom and being a college student both full and part time while either working full or part time or staying at home with both 1 or 2 children- did that make sense.  Anyways my current status is full time college student/stay at home mom to two.  Wow, this is pretty hard and a lot more work than when I was working.  Many working mothers are jeolous of the time stay at home moms get to spend with their children, there is guilt there.  Many stay at home moms crave more adult interaction atleast I have when I'm not in school, some may also feel guilt that they are not contributing monetarily especially if financial sacrifices have to be made or guilt because they want to occasionally get away from their children.  When my sister and mother criticize me for being a stay at home mom, my dad usually jumps in with something such as "She has a job- she's a trophy wife" or something like that he is such a joker.  Usually they shut up, try to find an ally in your family- hopefully you can find this- would your dad be a good ally?

Also you need to express to  your sis that it is your choice and that you do not tell her how to raise her children and that you would expect the same from her (assuming you don't)

Just do what you think is the right thing to do for your family and do not let anyone doubt yourself, you know your families situations, strengths and weaknesses the best.  Honestly if his test scores are higher than most and that still doesn't work she isn't going to care.

About socialization- is your child involved in extracurriculars with other children? If not I suggest them, there are many options that are for the community not just schools.  Does he have friends that he spends time?  If not try to make some connections with other mothers in your area, involving him in extracurriculars if he isn't already will help with friends.  I do not know your situation, I am just making blind suggestions if you haven't already taken advantage of your many community assets.  In no way am I trying to be rude or negative towards your decision.

I want to commend you on knowing what is best for your child and sticking to it despite negative feelings from your family members.  It sounds like you are a great mom.  Do not let your family discourage you, I'm sure you are doing a great job in raising your son.

Answer 12

ick   I'm so sorry you have to deal with that garbage.    Someone on the parenting q&a asked why hs parents get so defensive when someone asks if homeschooling is good or bad.   I wonder why...   oy  

It's because we get it from family, from "friends", from neighbours, from strangers, etc.   We all get TIRED of it.   Then when I said why I tend to get defensive I get thumbs down.   Can't imagine why...   *grin*  

As for Christmas - I guess you have to decide just how much a 'family' Christmas means to you.  Can you put up with the garbage?   You certainly have more patience then I do.   My sil tried that on me once.   I didn't bother not trying to offend her - it no longer comes up.  LOL

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your son!  Keep up the good fight.  :)

Answer 13

Wow. That was so wrong. I am so sorry. Family should be loving.

    I've heard all that kind of stuff before too.

    This isn't the answer you want and I hope somebody else has a better suggestion, but I would not go to that Christmas gathering until this situation is cleared up. If it is not solved to your satisfaction, I would not go. You are going to have to stand up and tell the critics to simma down. This will not make you popular, but I'd do it anyway. It is going to be open season on you and your family's values if you don't. I don't spend any time with people who hold such a low opinion of me, I don't care what time of year it is.

   I should also warn you that similar issues ended my relationships with several family members.

  Whatever will be, will be.