Fear of Abandonment After Divorce?

Question

My ex-husband left me over 2 years ago. I am now in a much better, much healthier relationship with a great guy. I have always been the jealous type, but now I am, like...nuts. If he goes out with his friends I invariably feel depressed and nervous, like when he goes out with them he's going to do something stupid and our relationship will be over. I feel like I have post-traumatic stress disorder! I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Has anyone else felt this way, and how did you get over it? I am having a hard time with the fear, it comes in waves about every two weeks. Therapy is the obvious option, I would like to hear other strategies, thanks.

Answer 1

Many people struggle with stuff like that after a divorce.

Some skills to try at home, in addition to talking to a counselor, would be:

1.  Talk out loud to yourself and remind yourself that everything is okay.

2.  Jealousy will drive away someone who would otherwise stay.  It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Keep reminding yourself to have faith in your partner.

3.  Work on your confidence and self-esteem.  People are drawn to those with confidence.  Why wouldn't he want to be with someone as nice as you?

Answer 2

I know that it is hard to overcome divorce. I unfortunately have suffered three. The last I never saw it coming. He promised me he would never hurt me or leave me, he knew my past.  Though he just left me after a 16 year relationship. He was involved with on line dating sites. His sister even took his picture and helped him place it on the site.  He questions his sexuality. thinks he may be g*y.  Not sure how to overcome that.

But you must trust. If you have no trust you have no relationship. If you feel uneasy when he goes out then you are not in the right relationship. Move on. Or better yet find yourself before you enter into any other relationship. You have to trust yourself before you can trust others.

Answer 3

I think that everyone meets at least 1 dope in their lives and you met yours. Now that being said, most of them aren't like that and you should trust him unless he gives you reason not to. Relaxxx, enjoy the new relationship and don't worry about things. Anxiety isn't worth it...maybe you can create a girl's night out?

Answer 4

FIRST YOU NEED TO RELAX AND BREATH SLOWLY. THE BEST THING TO DO IS GET YOUR OWN GROUP OF FRIENDS TO GO OUT WITH AND HAVE SOME ALONE TIME WITH YOURSELF TRY PAMPERING YOURSELF. SEEING THAT THIS GUY IS GREAT AND YOU LIKE HIM YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN BEFORE YOU RUN HIM AWAY AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE SOMETHING GOOD. SWEETHEART YOU CANT PUT EVERYONE IN THE SAME BUNCH AS YOUR EX IT ISN'T FAIR TO YOU AND IT ISN'T FAIR TO HIM. IF YOU ASK ME YOU'RE CHEATING YOURSELF ON LIFE YOU COULD BE DOING SO MUCH AND ENJOYING HIM A LOT MORE IF YOU JUST RELAX. I'M GUESSING HES NOT GIVING YOU ANY REASON TO FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL YOU ARE JUST REACTING OFF YOUR PREVIOUS RELATIONS. I WOULD SAY YOU NEED TO BRING IT TO HIS ATTENTION SO THAT YOU ALL CAN WORK THIS OUT TOGETHER I MEAN IF HES FEELING YOU HE WOULD UNDERSTAND. I BELIEVE THERE'S NO BETTER WAY IN DEALING WITH THIS PROBLEM THAN WITH HIM I DON'T AGREE WIT THE OUTSIDE HELP ALL THE TIME BUT YOU DO HAVE ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE TALKED ABOUT BEFORE YOU RUIN SOMETHING NICE. YOU ALSO NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE REALLY OVER YOUR LAST RELATION ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU MOVED ON BECAUSE THERE COULD BE THINGS THAT YOU HAVEN'T CLOSED PREVIOUSLY  

Answer 5

I don't have other strategies for you, but wanted to let you know You're not alone. You have obvious feelings for this new guy and feeling vulnerable by this. after all you're putting your heart out there on the line and don't want to get hurt all over again. How to trust again ??? I think it's normal, as you gain and build more trust with this guy and come to realize just where you stand with him, the feelings of anxiety you describe will subside. You just need to chip away at them slowly.

Answer 6

You have to get some of your own interest, friends and things going on. It is not attractive to be insecure, I think you have trust issues and the fear of abandonment. You have to learn how to be ok with just being yourself and being by yourself. Once I learned myself that I wanted someone in my life but not to be my life, I was much more secure. I think you need to work on being yourself and being content, then you will be more secure in a relationship with someone.  Get some friends, find a hobby and it will get better.

Answer 7

Not precisely, but I bet this fear is hurting your relationship.

I think a healthier attitude would be that something bad may or may not happen, but if it does, you already know you are strong enough to deal with it, move on, and find something better.  That's more than some people have to work with!  After all you have already done it once.

In the meantime, please enjoy this relationship for what it is and for all its potential.  And remember to hold up your end of it.  It's okay to fail, and it's also okay to hope and believe that this time will be better.

Or, much more coarsely and "bad cop"-ish, sometimes sh*t happens.  You can either fear that, or accept it and become stronger for it.

Good luck!

P.S. Please tell me you are sticking with this guy because you have genuine feelings for him and not just because you fear being alone.

Answer 8

Ok, so the first jerk hurt you, get over it and move on.  You say you are in a healthy relationship, sounds like you have some trust issues that you need to talk to your new bf about.  Communication is very important in any relationship.  If you can't talk to him about this then you are in big trouble. Now on the nights that he is going out, you go out with your friends, go to school, or just fine something to do and leave him alone.  I have been in the same situation, and I just made up mind I wasn't going to let mistrust mess up my relationship.