Foster child complications PLEASE HELP!!!!?

Question

We have my 5 year old nephew living with us through DCFS. Everything was going OK for a little while, then things just went from bad to worse. I don't know how to help him!! I have 2 kids of my own- 4 & 1 1/2 and due in Nov. My house just seems to be crazy! Something is ALWAYS hurting him especially at meal times, or activity times,bath times, bed times, time to go by by times, brush teeth times, mornings, nights, ect.. He doesn't want to do any thing a 5 year old should do-except watch T.V (he has car commercials memorized) I personally don't like to let my kids watch anything other than educational shows but we do watch other things (child/age appropriate)His favorite show is The Rock Walking Tall & War of the Worlds- which he has Never watched at my house!!! He has just recently started having accidents (in his pants) He cries out for mom in the middle of the night between 15-20x a night and when I go try to comfort him it just seems to get worse, the more I try to help the louder he screams! He sleeps in the same room as my 2 children, because he is afraid to be alone in his room (understandable) but he wakes up my kids then I have 3 screaming kids in the middle of the night. He just wants to sleep on the couch during the day, so I have had to make to rules that there are no pillows allowed in the front room and the couch isn't for laying it's for sitting. I turn off the T.V and he just sits on the couch and grunts!(for attention) I try to have my 4 year old play with him but my nephew just gets mad and yells at him so I gave up that idea. He really needs help with all of his ABC's, 123's, colors, everything, but I try to help and he just says he can't do it and he wants me to do it for him.(He's a smart kid, he just hasn't been taught)

His case workers along with my Dr. said to treat him the way I would treat my own child if they were doing what he is doing. But I do and then I feel like he is going to hate me because I'm not being sensitive to the fact that he's 5 and he misses his mom(addict, same with dad)

But they said he needs to know were our boundary's are and what happens if you cross the line. Also my 4 year old came up to me the other day holding his leg and saying "Mom my leg hurts really bad!!!-- I told him, "It does not and that he needed to go play." and he said OK!!! and ran off to play. Sorry for the novel I'm just lost and don't know what to do!!

His case worker also called his behavior Emotional Blackmail

Please Help!! I do have counseling set up for him, but would like some other opinions. Thanks and please be nice.

Answer 1

Emotional blackmail?  Is the case worker for real?!

He is acting out because he's traumatised.  He's just suffered a huge loss and transition, he has been taken from everything that is familiar to him, he misses his parents, and he NEEDS you.  He needs you to listen to him and affirm and validate his feelings.  He needs you to tell him it's ok to feel the way he does and that you love him and are going to help him through this, you're not going to abandon him or punish him for behaviour that is very normal for his situation.

You need to love him and guide him through this time.  Gently encourage his independence with lots of praise and encouragement.  Help him re-discover his own skills and take pride in using them.

But most of all give him time and ride it out.  Please don't punish a very sad little boy for doing all he knows how to speak out about his own situation.

It sounds like you're doing well so hang in there.  It will pass with time and understanding and you are so important to him right now.  Good luck!

Answer 2

It is emotional blackmail.  I go thru it with my 6 1/2 year old.  He got away with ALOT with his mother and expects me to let him do the same.  He needs boundaries and what you may not believe this...attention is attention, whether it's good / bad or indifferent.  He is hurting for his mother and for discipline.  Treat him like your own children and don't let him get away with what you wouldn't let your own children get away with, they will grow up to hate you / have ill feelings because in there eyes there was a favorite child growing up and it wasn't them!

Answer 3

got two  kids 4 and 6  wow your in a spot you are this is it put your foot down  i mean down you run the house not  the kids  

Answer 4

My mum and dad foster although i'm not fostered myself, and even though it can be hard when other kids in the house act up and take all of the attention - i always understood that they needed the attention more. i think you should just let him know that you are there for him, but don't be too lenient because he will take advantage. you should focus on the important rules, and don't bother so much with the little things as too many rules at once means he won't follow any of them. with the learning thing, the trick is to not overdo it and it always works best when it isn't scheduled. if you play a game with him and it develops into learning don't push it, and praise him hugely for anything he does do - however small. hope it helps, and you are probably doing better than you think you are :)  

Answer 5

You should be more patient, caring and understanding, especially since you chose to take on this commitment. Then take a breather and imagine how you would feel if you were snatched from your known environment, and all of your possessions and belongings,and thrust into a stranger's(even as a relative)environment, rules, children,new chilcare center or school,food, environment, how would you really feel?This child is really suffering from seperation and loss issues, bonding issues,misses his parents, no matter what their situation were/ are, they are still his parents, and that's all he knows. Children removed from their families will take some time to adjust and trust. You must also consider his age, imagine if your 4 year old was taken from you and placed in a whole new environment, don't you think he would miss you, and do you think he would  immediately adjust to the new family, rules, food schedule, etc? He would be lost with out you, and you will, feel the loss of him not being in your life, you would both,endure a lot of heartache, suffering and pain, miss your known environment familar surroundigs, job, school,etc. I would say to you, encounrage this child more, offer more praise and positive things to and about this child, and explain to your children about this child and his situaion and slowly work toward implementing this child into your familie's normal routine, don't try to force too many rules, and changes at one time, this child is only 5 yrs old, and he has been through a lot even feeing guilt, anger and doubt, blaming himself for his situation, although it is not his fault, and he needs time to adjust, and gain trust and know he is protected, loved and respected and has nothing to fear and he needs to know this. the couseling will help not only him, but it will also help your family tremendously, and more so, pray to God that he will help and guide you and help you with and through this.be motherly to this child as if he was your own and not your nephew, he needs you, he needs to know that he is loved.

I pray for your strenght.

God bless you.

Answer 6

We fostered and eventually adopted two little boys.  The older of the two had live with his mother for a time (also an addict) and displayed the same sort of behavior you describe.  He had grown up watching a LOT of TV, so much so that he wouldn't sleep in the bed because he was used to falling asleep on the couch.  Whenever he didn't get his way, was asked to do something he didn't like, or presented with a new situation he would tantrum to the point of exhaustion.  

All I can really say is hang in there.  We were patient, but we also set real boundaries.  We used the basic 'behavior modification' techniques, negative behavior gets no reward and no attention, positive behavior does get rewards and attention.  I.e. we would let him scream all he wanted, but it never got him what he ultimately wanted.  We had some very uncomfortable situations over the first couple of months (for example, him screaming under a table while we ate dinner at a restaurant).  After a couple of months, he had all but stopped the tantrums and was noticeably happier and more social (even his biological mother noticed).

I think you are doing the right things.  Accept that he is going to have problems and 'act out'.  Keep encouraging the good behavior, set real boundaries (keeping the TV off is a good one), and don't reward the poor behavior.  Some other suggestions...

Show him what he is missing - For example, sit and play cars or trains with your other kids in the next room while he mopes on the couch.  Or, set a sprinkler and kiddie pool outside the window, so he can see it (and you can monitor him).  Hearing and seeing what fun others are having, and not getting an attention for his moping, should get him off the couch.

Get out of the house - Go to the local pool or park as much as possible.  Join a 'kiddie gymastics' program or find one of those inflatable play areas.  Keep him moving.  This will do two things, it get him in situations where moping and acting out are less desireable to him, and it will tire him out, helping with the night time problems.

Work on the night time routine - As I said, we had real problems with our boys at night.  Over time, we have developed a nightime routine that pretty much gets them down and keeps them down most nights.  We would sing song together and then I would stay in the room for 10 or so minutes after the singing was done to help them feel secure and to wait for them to fall asleep.  We recently added reading a few pages from a book.  

Answer 7

He is acting out , this has been a huge change in his short life. To leave what you knew and move in with a new parent figure two siblings . different rules , adjusting for everybody I am afraid , you need to make sure he understands your the parents , he needs to follow the rules and it is hard to divide your time between another child but your going to have to figure out  a way , and stop rewarding his behavior , A really excellent book I can say was the best 40.00 I ever spend is called "The good child guide" it is for kids of all ages, and it reads like stereo instructions, get some structure going there it makes life so much easier  

Answer 8

You say he "wakes up MY kids" when he's sleeping in the room with "MY two children".  I'm wondering if he also senses this distinction you keep making.  If he's with you now, he also is your kid.  Why not say he wakes up the OTHER children?

It's great that you've set up counselling for him, but since the whole family is dealing with changes, I think the whole family would benefit from counselling.  My whole family did this, and all of our children learned a lot about what the others were thinking and feeling. It helped a lot.

Your nephew has no idea what it's like to live in a functional home. Perhaps he's clinging to his behaviors for security, since everything he knew has been changed, and he feels like an outsider.  Yes, you can call it 'emotional blackmail', at our house we call it 'needing reassurance'.  If your nephew came from a 'normal' home, I'd say yes of course you should set those boundaries and lay down the law.

With your nephew, rather than turning off that tv or changing the channel, pick him up and take him outside and beg him to have a catch with you. Rather than making a rule that he can't lie down on the couch why don't you sit next to him as he lays down and read him books?

He's five. He doesn't know how to cope with what's happening to him. Addressing behaviors without addressing the root causes will just isolate him more. Always being the one who does things wrong will negatively affect his self esteem. Let slide the things that are not harmful or disruptive.  For now let him lie down on the couch.  Don't let him play with knives, matches, or electricity.

Answer 9

Don't worry about being sensitive to his situation. Seriously. Many times it has happened where a child acts up trying to find the boundaries in a new home while the family is saying, "Well, Alex needs us to be patient with him. He's had a hard time." It often happens that as soon as he starts getting consequences like the other kids in the house, he starts acting more like the other kids in the house.

You are sensitive enough to the fact that he's five and misses his mom just by stepping up and being there for him. He is emotionally blackmailing you because he is just so needy because he hasn't had structure and discipline in his life. He is starting way behind as far as that goes so be patient with yourself and him as he starts to learn.

Try the book, "Raising a Son," by Don and Jeanne Elium. It talks about the levels of discipline from verbal reminders to institutional care that a boy might need in his life and how to set it up so you can go back and forth from the more serious ones (having all his privileges and freedom taken away by you -- hopefully not by an institution) back to verbal reminders (like what you told your four year old) by earning your trust again.

A five year old does need his mom or a mom figure and is still a very little boy. He is watching TV to zone out of his emotions. If he does not have a play therapy kind of situation I would ask his caseworker about starting one. Until then as long as it is not overly graphic, intense or violent, I would be a little lax on the TV watching actually.

I would hold off on his ABC and 123 until he is more emotionally stable. My friend has fostered a now-9 year old for about two years and their caseworker told her to "just be his mom," not to homeschool him or do homework with him or really anything else until his basic emotional needs were met -- which is not quite yet, although he's gotten a lot better than when he first came to them.

They hire a tutor to help him with school and let the teachers teach him. At home they simply love him, and discipline him.

They are lucky that they have three teenagers -- two still at home -- and the teenagers kind of also take a turn with him, especially in the summer, and the husband works for himself and thus can take him to work sometimes.