A friend, who is my age, keeps complaining about the same darn problem. She's had this problem since mid high-school and I'm finding it darn annoying because I have to keep hearing about it for 15 years!
She has 'known' since she was 15 (her first boyfriend) that she didn't want a boyfriend. You would <i>think</i> it would have been that simple: <i>don't have a boyfriend</i>. Her issue is that each boyfriend after that didn't <I>ask</i> her if she wanted to be their girlfriend, it just because "assumed". I was there, I remember that - no matter how old you are, that happens a lot. It happens when you constantly flirt/get all giggly-goofy with someone/spend lots of time with them. This is especially true if that person is the only person you do those things with. It naturally becomes assumed that you two are an item. People back away. They feel they cannot be with you or that person. Basically, her issues were these: a) she didn't want a boyfriend b/c she didn't want to feel obligated to get physical and b) she wanted the freedom to do "that" with whomever, whenever the mood struck her (in other words - if she got tired or "Richie" she could do all that with "Ryan". I told her way back then that she was basically using those guys and leading them on and that that was just as bad as climbing into bed with any darned person; I explained numerous times that flirting/dating/hanging out with someone who liked you but you had no interest in was JUST as bad as di ck teasing someone.
I am all for abstinance until one feels ready - if one never feels ready, that's fine - but why not be <i>honest</i> and up-front with somenoe from the very beginning? It's my experience/observation that if a person knows well in advance that they're not getting laid, it's <i>much</i> easier for them to accept. I've also realized that those who are religous accept this better. I've also realized that those dating religious people accept this better. If an athiest says, "I want to be abstinant" it's not as well accepted Even if they're right. To me, a person who doesn't accept that isn't worth it - except friend never used this concept b/c friend thought, "I'm not <i>looking</i>, why does this apply to me." No matter how many times I tried to pound, "because if you're not looking you shouldn't be dating/flirting/going on and on about how hot someone is" into her head, it never sunk in.
Now. We're 30 and she still has had a series of damaging relationshiops - mostly ending because she broke up with them because she "wanted to be single". Mostly she got pregnant for the kid she has because she gave in (as she did with ea. boyfriend even though she never liked s*x) because she felt obligated. She didn't do this at 15 - she did this at <I>21</i>. WELL over the age where she should have been smart enough to know better.
Now that we're 30, it's worse because according to her, "everyone takes her too seriously" when she's flirting but "no one takes her seriously" when she says 'no' to s*x and they see it as a challenge. her poor child keeps thinking he has a potential daddy and he keeps getting attached. I say she should a) stop flirting b) stop dating c) stop leading the guy and her kid on and d) grow.up. I think that as we get older, the more males want to settle and have <I>grown up</i> past the stage of their lives where they want to date around. I think that once you have a kid, you shouldn't <I>be</i> doing those things anymore. I would never say she shouldn't have s*x - but she's still (at 30) not interested and not ready. So that's great - maybe she's asexual. No problem. But then why date at all? Most people in our age group are <i>looking</i>. Most people who are OK with "Just dating" expect some type of physical thing. She has still yet to grasp this concept.
Short of throwing rocks at her head, what can I do to get her to realize that she a) is basically only looking for friendship and needs to stop sending mixed messages b) is too old to be 'dating around' c) has to stop and think about her child instead of herself (sorry babe, you missed out on that aspect of your life) d) has never been able to and probably never will be able to pull off the "confident party-girl personality" she's been trying to pull off because she was so sheltered that she only knows how to be the 'good christian girl' who isn't going to fit in and is only going to be taken advantage of?
It's driving me crazy to hear her drama all the time when it's <I>so flippin' obvious</i>!
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