Great, but Sad News?

Question

The adoption of my youngest failed. Her adoptive parents couldn't handle parenting a baby and actually "returned" her to the lawyer who handled the adoption. The attorney informed me of this and actually offered to have her returned to my care if this was what I wanted. I didn't know this happened. She said if I did not want her, that there was another couple who was looking for an infant (she is 8 months old now). So, after some nitty gritty court papers, I obtained her original birth certificate, got everything legal, and now I am parenting my baby. But she is unhappy. I know she misses the woman she knew as her mother, but I don't know how to handle this. Both me and her big sister are with her 24/7. Her extended family is all over her. Everyone is overjoyed at her return, but I am thinking that this is all very overwhelming for her. She is only a baby, and outside of lots of love and attention, is there anything else that can be done to ease her fears?

Answer 1

Wow, I feel so sorry for that child, but she is certainly lucky she has you there for her! You sound like you have a great family that is willing to give this baby all their love. Perhaps read to her, get her accostomed to your voice, just try to spend one-on-one time with her. I doubt she'll have much memory of this after a short period of time, but love that baby to the best of your ability- that's reassurance enough.

Answer 2

Now this is my kind of 'adoption miracle'!

I'm sure the next six months will be a major adjustment for all of you.  Just keep loving, hugging, and holding your baby.  I don't know if she misses the woman she 'knew as her mother', since she obviously couldn't be a very good caretaker, or she's justifiably discombobulated, and needs a lot of comfort and care to adjust.

Everything will be alright, eventually.  How lucky you BOTH are--I'm so glad the attorney had the decency to call YOU instead of re-adopting her to another paying client!

Thanks for sharing!

Answer 3

make her feel comfortable as having you as her mom.  Tell her that everything is okay

Answer 4

Don't give up whatever you do.  She will get to know you soon.  How long have you had her?  That's one thing you are missing.  I would say 6-8 weeks should take care of it.  Give her much love as you are and she will just accept you soon enough.

Answer 5

As soon as she learns that you are here to stay, she will relax. But it will take time. All you can do is love her and be there for her.

Answer 6

I just want to give you a big hug!  It's obvious that you care deeply about your new daughter.  I adopted my son- brought him home at 8 months old.  He began to trust me little by little.  It really didn't take long.  

He had nightmares and there were times when he'd wake up from a nap and appear scared...  but with some simple bonding techniques that you can find online...  that's all it took.

My son is 3 now and to my best knowledge, he doesn't remember any part of his prior life.

Bonding technique examples:

-Baby lotion massage and soft, smiley eye contact

-Use of baby Bjorn

-Taking naps together

Congratulations to your new daughter and to your older daughter- the new big sister!

Answer 7

Please go to http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com and read up on separation trauma.

Even though you're with her now, shes gone through alot and experienced serious separation trauma. This is going to effect her possibly for the rest of her life. Knowing what to do NOW could change A LOT. Definitely study attachment parenting.

Keep her close and give her nothing but constant validation and reassurance in what shes doing and that you're there for her no matter what. You need to establish a trust with her, its been broken as I'm sure you've felt and known.

Answer 8

Oh, wow.  I don't know where to even start . . . congratulate you, rant about the adoptive parents, cry for all this baby has been through? . . . What a lot you and your baby have been through, but I hope and think you can now all begin living what is best for you all, and I am glad that you have your baby back with you.  How long has she been in your care now?  It will take some time.  Gershom is right that you should learn and use attachment parenting.  co-sleeping is great and it's great that you get time off of work.  I wish you the best.  Keep us updated on how things are going.

eta.  My daughter was separated from her foster mother at about your daughter's age.  She cried and showed lots of grief for about a week.  Then she started slowly opening up.  We saw real attachment and she started seeming truly comfortable after she was with us for about 2 months, and her attachment has just continued to grow.  Each child is different, but I thought I'd share how our daughter responded to separation at about the same age.

Answer 9

she will be fine after a while. just do fun things with her. and tell her that you are her mother and when she gets older she won't remember the other familys.

well i hope i helped and GOOD LUCK!  :)

Answer 10

Congrats to you. Just keep that baby close to you as much as possible. Let her know that she is special to you and that you are not going anywhere.

Answer 11

Yo everyone!  Vamp Claudia and I know each other well.  We are both part of the same local natural mother support group and the lawyer that handled the adoption of my younger child also handled her baby's adoption.  Our attorney was a natural mother during the baby scoop era.  If an adoption fails, she automatically will contact the natural family to see if there is a change of heart about parenting the child.   Some out of state agencies have actually tried to slander the attorney for these practices (they claim she is returning children to abusive parents, that she herself disrupts the adoptions since she is a "birth" mother, etc etc).  I love hearing stories about this.  I love my friend and am so very happy for her.  I raise a glass to you, Vamp Claudia....and to the attorney who handled our children's adoption...wonderful people.  I wish all attorneys were like her and all "failed" adoptions ended like this.

**she holds no ill will towards the adoptive parents, btw.  both of us feel that they were simply unprepared for the demands of an infant and couldn't cope.  she did speak with them and simply feels that they went into this uninformed and unprepared.  there was no lack of love or kindness, they were simply overwhelmed.  but maybe we are being too kind in regards to the couple who originally adopted her**

Answer 12

I'm curious as to what kind of love and attention she was receiving by the APs if they found it necessary to "return" her.

All I can suggest is to love her unconditionally. A lot.

Answer 13

Congrats on getting your daughter back. Give her love and time and she will soon come to love you as her mother.

Good Luck

Answer 14

Keep her close.  Sleep with her, cuddle her, take her with you everywhere.  Yes, even the bathroom.  Get a front carrier if you have to do house work.  You will know when you can start backing off when, she explores with toys etc, without you.  When she is comfortable enough to start being independent let her explore but i would still sing to her so although she couldn't see me, she knew i was still there.  She will bond just fine.  It will take time.  Follow her lead.  Enjoy her. Love her.  God Bless.

See if she likes those heartbeat bears.  Find her a really soft and snuggle bear or blanket she can use as a security blanket.  You are off to a wonderful start.  If i can help in anyway just email me.

Answer 15

What an amazing story- this shows me that even the youngest of babies- feel-  so my suggestion to you is this- continue to love her and very soon, she will understand that she is not going anywhere else.   I am glad that she is back with you, after all of that- God bless you and your whole family.  At least she is only 8 months, not 8 years old, it would even be harder- take care and enjoy your daughter.

Answer 16

this is one of the things that pisses me off with adoption.  what the h**l is going on in the heads of people when they think that children can be bought and returned when they don't live up to their expectations... and then these same people are clogging up space on message boards belly-aching about not being able to get a baby..  

you are a wonderful woman.  and you're right.  the baby DOES know that something is not right.  

just give her lots of love and kisses.  read to her.  take her for walks in the park. rump around with her and just let her be a kid.

and say a prayer that the family who returned her like a too-small-pair of shoes, NEVER gets their paws on another child.

a pox on them.

ETA: wait at tick...you're the natural mother??? but i thought that you were not capable of loving your baby like a married adoptive couple could?  /sarcasm...

wow, that's hot!!! and one h**l of a testimony against the "adoption is a loving choice" b. s. argument...

Answer 17

Congratulations!

Unfortunately, she came home to you at a time when MOST babies go through separation anxiety, and the shuttling around certainly hasn't helped.

Let her know it's ok to miss her "other Mama", that you know she's sad, and that you love her with all your heart.  She understands more than you may think.

I'd limit the extended family visits for the next week or two... let people know that you appreciate their love and support, but that your little one is feeling a little overwhelmed by all the attention.

Try and spend as much time as possible while you are still off work with her.  Co-sleeping is a great idea right now.  You might even want to try to bring your milk back in, and breastfeed.

Good luck!

Answer 18

Wow. This is quite a story. I think the ultimate in congratulations is warranted. If anyone believes in fate and destiny, it seems to me that this child was meant to be with you. There is no question that it is a good sign that she is having some trouble adjusting right now. First of all, 8 months old is exactly the age (developmentally) when a baby is first going through separation anxiety and sranger anxiety. Before about now, she wasn't all that aware of who she knew and who was a stranger. It is at just her age that she is learning what the difference is. So it is no surprise at all that she thinks of you as a stranger and misses the familiarity of the people she used to be with. Certainly the fact that she was not in a stable or consistent environment is leading to some extra insecurity at this point. Separation anxiety is similar to stranger anxiety. It involves the baby learning that people really do exist even when they can not be seen -- and that they will come back even if they go away. Right now she has learned that those whom she was just learning to trust would return -- will not. It's okay. She is very young and will definitely do fine. Babies, and children are incredibly resilient. They learn fast. The fact that she is going through this (as she should) is a good sign. It is not a bad sign. If she were not going through this anxiety stuff right now, it would be worse for her in the long run and it would mean that she was not going through the appropriate development. The more you can be with her right now, the better. The more time you can spend with her the better. The more you can stay with her the better. It will be hard right now because she really needs to develop an attachment to you, and when she does -- she will not want to let go. She will be more likely to over react to you leaving (even just disappearing from her line of vision) than other babies typically would. This is okay in the long run too. It will mean that she has attached herself to you, and that she is afraid you will leave. That will be a good sign. You want her to become attached to you and you (even though it sounds wrong perhaps) want her to react when you leave. It will not take her long. For good or bad, she will certainly not remember her past and she will soon know no other home and family other than yours.

I would get her checked out by a pediatrician and let the doctor know the story. I would question if she was abused or neglected at all because it would just make me think of that possibility if I knew that the adoptive parents changed their minds. Did they have a difficult time with her? Do you wonder how she was treated? I would just want to know all the possibilities -- and a thorough exam by a doc certainly would do no harm. It probably won't do any good either, but I would do it nonetheless.

The other thing that I would be sure to pay attention to -- and I know you didn't ask this but, I've got to mention it -- is your other child and her reaction to this. I don't know what she knows or what you've told her. But I would think she will certainly wonder why this baby appeared and/or why she wasn't there all along. She will be likely to have insecurities around the question of why this baby was given away -- and what it takes to be given away and whether her own behavior could lead to her being given away somehow. She could also worry that the baby might be given away again, and not form a good attachment to her herself.

I also think you might do well to talk to a therapist yourself about whatever issue it was that caused you to give up the baby in the first place -- and what it is like for you to now have the baby to raise when it really wasn't the choice you made. I would think that somewhere inside of you you must have mixed feelings and you'd do yourself well to understand what it all means.

Take it easy. Give yourself time.

Answer 19

she wont remember any of this......so start now as you mean to go on

Answer 20

Its your fault deal with it and take care of child, its probably a sign to keep your child now

Answer 21

Wow, what a story!

You two must have been through a lot, and you need to offer her love, love, and love. Gradually, she'll get a sense of security around you and love you more, more and more.

Congrats.

Also, just a tip, offer enough support for her as she grows regarding this story. You don't want this incident to affect her feelings and security as a teenager. I am not sure how you can do that, but you need to keep this in mind. Good luck and wish you a happily ever after.

Answer 22

You just keep loving that baby and offering her a sense of security. She may only be 8 months old but she's obviously aware of what has been going on with her. It's so sad, at such a young age, she has security issures.

I think what you are doing is great. She obviously has someone in her life now that loves her dearly. She'll realize that. Just be that constant thing in her life she needs so much right now. It may take awhile but she will come around as long as YOU are there.

Answer 23

I hope you caught it early enough to correct her attachment disorders.  What was that attorney thinking allowing that child to go into foster care at all?  Another tremendous issue is that obviously the adoptive parent did not bond with her, which means for 8 months this child has not received the necessary bonding and nurturing required to build relationships.  It can cause life long problems for her and she may never understand why.  My advice is to be open and honest with her when she is old enough to understand.  Let her know that you regret what happened to her, but that she can put it behind her and understand why she might have trouble trusting people she gets close to.

You did the brave thing taking her back.  None of this could have been easy for you or your other daughter.  Tell them both how much you love them every single day and always be open and honest with them to avoid any trust issues in the future.  Truly make them believe that they are safer with you than they would be with anyone else in the entire world.  And don't hesitate to seek help from a professional at the first sign of abandonment issues (daycare, school, any changes).  Make them understand, especially the little one, that you are ALWAYS coming back and that the separation is temporary.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  I believe you are right to be concerned.  You, in effect, just adopted a child "out of the system" and that does scar them.  Love her is all you can do.  That and time cures a lot.  Good luck.

Answer 24

Great for your baby! and You! Your baby is just adjusting...try letting her sleep w/you a couple of nights...she heard your heart beat for 9 months and will remember and re-bond...not today..but within a month or so you and your baby will both be happy...and the adoption didn't go through for a reason GOD always knows best.....make sure to use your support system...Congrats..God Bless U Baby and Family..

My mom fosters infants straight from hospital/most born addicted...one was ready to be adopted my a mixed couple;who had adopted a mixed daughter..returned the boy as his color was too dark...Now if that's not a sin what the truck is?