Help! My boyfriend is destroying himself!?

Question

I met my boyfriend in high school; he was very athletic and also always had good grades.

A year after graduating, when he was 16 years old he dropped school and he's been staying at his house for 4 years now.

He's doesn’t drink or do drugs. He never goes to parties and his only friends are through the web. He let his hair grow and only goes out when he's being forced to, like some family thing, but he hates it.

I know nothing like too bad happened to him, it just seems like he quit everything.

He’s very shy; he doesn’t like to be seen by people. He even calls himself a worthless piece of “crap” sometimes, because he has no diploma or job or anything, but he doesn’t seem to find the will to do anything about it, he has mentioned something about being afraid.

He’s incredibly sweet and good with me and I love him. I’m trying to understand why he’s doing this to himself. I know about the low self esteem and such, we all struggle with that, but can it be this bad?

Please, I need help so I can help him.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, I don't think you will have the skills he needs to get better.  It sounds like he has a bad case of either depression or some serious social anxiety.  Either one of those can be treated, but you need a professional to evaluate him first.  So he'd have to cooperate with that.  In some cases, the process of growing up itself is enough to put some teens into a serious case of anxiety and fear, and they will withdraw from anything that is a threat.  This sounds more like what ails your boyfriend.  If he doesn't try, he doesn't fail- and although he doesn't care to be nothing, he would still rather be nothing at all than to be a failure.  I'm surprised his family has allowed him to withdraw to this extent, beginning at 16 and continuing for this long.  That suggests there is something going on in the family circle, which would encourage him in this behavior.  It may be his family- his parents, don't particularly want him to grow up either.  Since he's obviously over 18 now, he is the one who must make the first moves to improving matters.  You can encourage him to do it, and offer support while he makes those moves, but unfortunately that's about all you can actually do.  As long as he isn't interesting in actually changing things, and has no real reason to do so, nothing will change.   At some point, you may have to make the hard decision to let this go and move on yourself.  He may be sweet and good to you, but you will not be able to build much of an adult life together as things stand now.

Answer 2

Somebody, somewhere along the line probably told him that he was worthless and so he has decided to wallow in it.  He may be depressed at the moment.

I suggest that you look up internet courses for IT based roles where he can learn some skills and train in that field so that later on he can take a course in computers at his local college and seek a job in the IT field.  His learning IT while at home will mean that he is well prepared for class lessons and any IT situation that may arise.  This way he will be taking care of his future.

Another thing to do would be to get him interested in his appearance, his room and house and what they look like.  This will prepare him for getting a job outside the home and inviting people around.

A third thing would be to get him interested in cars - driving one in particular so that he is not reliant on public transport in order to get a job.

Its an uphill battle but well worth it for him.

Answer 3

this sounds like a social anxiety problem. he also has symptons of paranoia schitzophrenia. this chemical imbalance in the brain, usually shows up in young men at the age of sixteen (onset of symptons). he has to go see a therapist and a psychiatrist and get on meds for this-to control the symptoms and anxiety. get him to go. if he does not--then the symptons will only get worser. he will have panic attacks--and think he is dying, because he cannot breathe or have other phsycial symptoms. he will stay withdrawn from society;, because of his fear. please get him help! good luck-god bless

Answer 4

Sounds like he plays World of Warcraft.

Answer 5

drop that zero and get yourself a hero

Answer 6

Sounds like he has Social Anxiety (you can try googling it, you will see his symptoms are most likely this)

Thats when you are super shy...you avoid ppl..for fear of what they think of you, someone with social anxiety will have low selfesteem and low self worth. and basically just fear of people.

I have it, but i am getting help now. It's really hard for osmeone who has this disorder because

1. you hate even going out...

and 2. you dont associate with people!

Since you really care about him, perhaps you can talk to him about it, and tell him psychologists can really help him, and you'd be there for him, even take him hopefully. And if he's online so much, you guys can contact me if you need to. I'd be happy to assist =) I felt like social anxiety was destroying my life, but im getting help now and its the 1st time i've been happy and have been actually leaving the house! lol.

Answer 7

Chronic depression, agoraphobia, drug abuse (even if he denies, 4 years is a long time).

Answer 8

Sounds like he is going through depression,  let him know your there for him If you keep trying to change him you could end up pushing him away further . From what you said about him being athletic and then all of the sudden dropping out of school and becoming a recluse is a sign that something bad did happen to him. Try to find out why he dropped out of school mad maybe you just might find out why he is afraid. Sounds like there is more to the story,  get him to talk about it  before he sinks even further...and again let him know no matter what you are there for him.

Answer 9

I think it sounds like he might need counseling.  He sounds depressed. . . which can happen at any age for no apparent reason.  It could be the result of a chemical imbalance. The withdrawal from life, lack of motivation, change in appearance, and fear are all signs he needs help.  

Perhaps you could find a counselor and go first, later encouraging him to go with you.  Do his folks see this?  If you can try to convince them to get him help.   It always breaks my heart to hear of a young person who sounds this depressed.  I wish him well.  You must take care of yourself too, you know.  Do not not your life on hold.  If he gets help, I would also find some alternative way he could continue his education to prepare him for life and work.  

Answer 10

um, check what he does on the web... im just like that ( NO LONG HAIR ) and i like going outside :P