Help with this paper?!??!?

Question

I have to write an college applicant essay for my 11th grade english class. The topic is "something that affected your life and why" my essay is 463 words and it can only be 300 please read it and tell me what is unimportant that i can take out. thank you

The feeling you get when you wake up to your cousin shaking you and saying "they took your mom away in an ambulance" is not a very good one to a seven year old, or to anyone. On the night my mom was taken to the hospital many tests were run on her to see why she suddenly had a very violent seizure. Soon after, they diagnosed her with a cancerous brain-tumor. She held strong through all the surgeries and chemo-therapy sessions. These went on for two years. After all the miserable hospital visits she got tired of it and wanted to stay home and forget about treatment, the doctor gave her three months to live. It was almost impossible to crawl out of bed every morning just because I knew that my mom might not be with me anymore. She lived for another six months when she finally passed away. I woke up one morning and walked into the living where my mom had been living for four months, too weak to walk into her bedroom. My grandmother's eyes were misty and I could tell something was wrong… my dad softly called me over and I shook my head and turned to leave the room. No news was best for me. My dad called my name again and I turned and walked over to him he gently sat me on his lap on told me that my mom hadn't made it through the night. I blinked back tears as I ran from the room. I went in my closet and cried. Now I look back at my nine year old self and realize that I knew it was coming but nobody could ever be prepared. My dad taught me a lot from those couple years. He was by my moms side the whole way through and never turned his back no matter how hard things got. He kept up the house; he got us kids ready for school. He started working at home so he could be there for us and my mom. My dad taught me that you can't give up on someone because of something that they can't control; you have to help them through it the best that you can. My mom taught me about the will to live and the value of life. She once to my dad that she was so miserable she just wanted to die, but she had to hold on long enough so her kids could remember her. This experience in my life has made me stronger I still go through rough times but I know that looking at the bad things in a positive way makes you stronger. My life was changed… but my positive attitude helped it change in a good way.

Answer 1

its now 282 add a sentence or two back if u want. this is what i thought was important, hope it helps

The feeling you get when waking up to your cousin shaking you and saying "they took your mom away in an ambulance" is not a very good one. On the night my mom was taken to the hospital due to a very violent seizure, she was diagnosed with a cancerous brain-tumor. She held strong through all the surgeries and chemo-therapy sessions which went on for two years. After all the  hospital visits she got tired and wanted to stay home .the doctor gave her three months to live. . I woke up one morning and walked into the living where my mom had been . My grandmother's eyes were misty and I could tell something was wrong… . My dad called my name  and I turned and walked over to him he gently sat me on his lap on told me that my mom hadn't made it through the night. I blinked back tears as I ran from the room. I went in my closet and cried.  Nobody could ever be prepared. My dad taught me a lot from those couple years. He was by my moms side the whole way through and never turned his back . He kept up the house; he got us kids ready for school. He started working at home so he could be there for us and my mom. My dad taught me that you can't give up on someone; you have to help them through it the best that you can. My mom taught me about the   the value of life.  This experience in my life has made me stronger .My life was changed… but my positive attitude helped it change in a good way.

Answer 2

I don't think there's anything unimportant in your in your essay that should be left out but there may be a way to say it in fewer words.  I've written the way I would have said the same things but in fewer words.  I hope it gives you some ideas of how you can shorten your essay without leaving anything out of the story.  It is a touching story and I'm sorry you lost your mother at such a young age.  I hope the following helps with your essay - I believe it is exactly 300 words.

My cousin shook me awake saying, “They took your mom away in an ambulance.”  I was seven years old.  Mom had a sudden violent seizure caused by a cancerous brain tumor.  For two years, she held strong through miserable hospital visits, surgeries, and chemotherapy, but finally chose to stop treatment and stay home.  After a couple of months at home, Mom moved to the living room, too weak to walk into her bedroom.  It was almost impossible for me to crawl out of bed every morning because I feared Mom would be gone but was not prepared for it.  

Six months after she came home, I walked into the living room one morning and saw my grandmother’s misty eyes and knew something was wrong.  Dad softly called to me, but I shook my head and turned to leave.  I didn’t want to hear the news.  Dad called my name again and I walked over to him.  He gently sat me on his lap and explained that Mom had not made it through the night.  Holding back the tears, I ran from the room to my closet and cried.

I learned much from my parents during those years.  Dad taught me not to give up on those you love, but to help them through things the best you can.  He was always there for Mom and for us kids.  He took care Mom, the house, and us, and even worked from home so he could be right there.  I learned about the will to live and the value of life from Mom who wanted to hold on long enough for us to remember her.  I still go through rough times, but this experience has made me stronger and I know that the positive attitude I learned from my parents has helped.

Answer 3

Waking up to your cousin's voice saying "they took your mom away in an ambulance," is one of the worst ways to wake up. Especially when you are only seven years old. On the night my mom was taken to the hospital, they ran a lot of tests to see why she suddenly had a very violent seizure. Soon after, they diagnosed her with a cancerous brain-tumor. She held strong through all the surgeries and chemo-therapy sessions that went on for two years. After all the miserable hospital visits she got tired of it and wanted to stay home and forget about treatment - the doctor gave her three months to live. It was almost impossible to crawl out of bed every morning just because I knew that my mom might not be with me anymore. She lived for another six months before she finally passed away. I woke up one morning and walked into the living where my mom had been living for four months, too weak to walk into her bedroom. My grandmother's eyes were misty and I could tell something was wrong. My dad softly called me over and I shook my head and turned to leave the room. No news was best for me. My dad called my name again and I turned and walked over to him. He gently sat me on his lap on told me that my mom hadn't made it through the night. I blinked back tears as I ran from the room. I went in my closet and cried. Now I look back at my nine year old self and realize that I knew it was coming, but nobody could ever be prepared for that. My dad taught me a lot over those two years. He was by my mom's side the whole way through, and never turned his back no matter how hard things got. He kept up the house, and got us ready for school. He started working at home so he could be there for us and my mom. My dad taught me that you can't give up on someone because of something that they can't control. You have to help them through it the best that you can. My mom taught me about the will to live and the value of life. She once told my dad that she was so miserable she just wanted to die, but she had to hold on long enough so her kids could remember her. This experience in my life has made me stronger. I still go through rough times but I know the importance of looking at the positive side of things. My life was changed forever, but my experience has left me with a positive attitude on life and I thank my mom and dad for it.

I edited a few minor things. The only part that you could possibly edit out to make it shorter would be the part where you were got the news. I personally think that it gives the essay more emotion, but the ending does that too. So maybe you could shorten that part and just say that you walked in, your dad sat you on his lap and told you. Overall, it was good, and would be a great essay for college.