Herpes -- then hororr -- now...heartbreak???

Question

I have had the same sexual partner for 4 years now. We had s*x a week ago, but since then I developed excruciatingly painful sores "down-there" that my doctor today informed me are none other than Herpes. Doctor said it would be either unlikely or impossible that I caught this years ago and it just showed up for the first time. My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend swears he's been faithful and doesn't have it himself. He has no outbreak that is visible to me.

Could he have herpes and transmit it to me even though there are no visible signs of outbreak? is there any other REALISTIC way I could have gotten this? And does anyone know how to deal with this atrocious physical pain??? I'm taking 2 t3's every 4 hours, but it hurts so much.... earlier I actually fainted from the pain. i have never in my memory fainted before.

Answer 1

kill him

Answer 2

He could well have had it before you met him. Or, since herpes often lies dormant, you could have had it before you met him - it isn't as likely as you having just caught it, but your doctor is wrong in that it can and does happen, especially if you have recently been ill or under stress.

However, since you have symptoms a week after contact and that is the normal time frame, I am going to guess you caught it from him.

Herpes is dormant for most of the time, so it is very common for people to be together for long periods of time without infecting the other.

Also, only 20% of people who have genital herpes are aware they have it.

My sister also has genital herpes - and she caught it from her husband, who had NEVER that he could recall had symptoms and was unaware he had it.

Yes, you can easily pass it without an outbreak. Like with oral herpes (cold sores) it is possible to spread it when there is NO cold sore present.

I caught genital herpes seven whole years into my relationship with my boyfriend. I actually caught genital herpes hsv-1 through receiving oral s*x - he got occasional cold sores from being a kid, and many genital herpes infections are caught from a partner's oral herpes infection, since 80% of adults have oral herpes.

I always knew he got cold sores - it wasn't a new herpes infection, he caught it when he was five. Sometimes he went for several years without getting one - and 80% of infected people never get outbreaks at all.

We thought oral s*x was safe when he had no symptoms at all. So we did it for seven years when he didn't have symptoms. Then one day, when he didn't have symptoms, I caught genital herpes from it.

Since people obviously don't want to have s*x when they have an outbreak, and lots of people don't get them anyway, it is far more common for herpes to be passed when there are no visible signs of an outbreak.

It doesn't mean he has cheated. Try, for now, and give him the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming you don't yet know what type of genital herpes you have - 1 or 2.

He also needs to get tested. If he tests positive, that means he has had the virus for a while, at least 3-6 months. If he tests negative, he just needs to get retested in a few months.

I am sorry your primary outbreak is so bad, but it should never be this bad ever again - my subsequent outbreaks have been very mild. I spent half my first outbreak sitting in a bath of water - it just felt very soothing once I got over the initial pain of getting in it.

Some people say it also helps to urinate in water so it doesn't burn - horrible I know, but I believe it helps.

If you are anything like I was, you probably also feel ill and flu-ey since it is a virus. You only feel like that the first time. Has the doctor given you valtrex to take for the duration of the outbreak? That helps. I also found the worst part only lasted about 3-4 days.

Answer 3

Herpes can be passed on from one partner to another when there is no sign of an infection. Symptoms usually start to appear 2-20 days after contact with an infected person. Future outbreaks can be caused by a number of different things like stress, sunlight, poor eating habits,etc. What can trigger outbreaks depends on the individual person.  Fortunately  reoccurring outbreaks happen less often, heal faster, and are less painful with time. Like the person above said, urinating under water can help if it hurts when you pee. Pain meds (like what you're trying), cold compress to the affected area, and salt water baths can help too. It might be a good idea to do some experimenting with these potential pain relief techniques and find what works for you.  I'd ask your doctor before you try any new medication though.

Unfortunately I'm not good at relationship advice. Would your bf be willing to get tested for herpes? That might help resolve some questions and open up more of an honest dialog between the two of you if this is something you would want to do.

I wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do and in coping with this infection.

Answer 4

He probably cheated, especially if you had flu like symptoms recently.  Doctors don't like to be the ones who end relationships by telling us that our significant other has cheated.  They could also be sued.

Here's my story... I hope it helps you find hope in a new relationship...

I had herpes, and my husband accepted it. I chose to wait to have s*x until the wedding ring was on my finger and he kissed the bride. I would have felt like I had to stay in the relationship if I'd given it to him and then wanted to break up with him later (before the wedding).

For me, it promoted a maturity that was necessary to deal with my future, as I truly believed I had none. I did some heavy soul searching and changed the 'type' of guy I was dating. (Hopefully your friend has also done this.) It made me ready to settle down, and find a comfortable relationship with trust that could withstand the test of time. Rather than needing to keep dating and have fun (not s*x fun - I had only been with one person when I got it from a violent situation. I had dated lots though!)

Here is my story, I hope it helps! (Your question is so common on Answers!)

I have been married for 17 years now to a man who had only one other sexual partner. We have two children and he has never shown any symptoms of hsv. I was entirely honest with him, and we waited until a month before our wedding to consummate (have s*x)the relationship. That was my choice.

Though I was open with him, I told him in the dark so I wouldn't have to see his expression. He thought about it (I don't even remember if is answer was immediate or not), and said that it didn't matter. I feared the answer to many other questions about whether he meant he didn't need s*x; how we would get pregnant if we used condoms; and even wondered if he knew something I didn't. I called myself 'damaged goods'. I also hoped he would research the topic before consumating the relationship. I am sure he did, as he is a VERY smart man.

You see, as emotionally painful as finding out I had hsv was, it was actually a blessing for me in the end. I was living life for the now, and unable to make a committment to marriage until this vd caused me to sit down and be honest with myself about my values and what I wanted out of life. I was twenty five or so and still single, moving from one long term relationship to another... all ending the same way. I entered counseling and reevaluated what was really important in a relationship. I haven't slept around, but was under the false impression that men who had had many encounters were s**y... I wish someone had told me about the statistics.

One thing that was truly wonderful, was that when he told me it didn't matter to him, I knew in my heart that this relationship would be FOREVER. No cheating, no divorce, no dating again, or remarriage.... that was one loving committment he made to me. He is truly the man of my dreams (and logic).

There are two types of the virus and you can get either one in either place. I already had Type 1 (oral), but when Type 2 entered my body, I developed flu-like symptoms along with the outbreak.

At first I took acyclovir faithfully to avoid transmission, but my sweetie told me to quit taking it after a couple of months. I had a lot of outbreaks, and when I had one, I just asked him to wear a condom. After a couple of months he said that if he was going to get it, just let it happen.

I also remember some point in the first year that my husband developed flu-like symptoms. I told him that it could be hsv, and he just told me to stop worrying. But even then, he didn't have an outbreak and never has had. Although my hubby has never had an outbreak, I'm sure he has to be a carrier of it.

Like I said, we have two beautiful children, (who by the way will be more resistant to the virus since theyy have acquired my antibodies to hsv while in the womb) and we have unprotected oral and regular s*x. The only time hsv can cause serious birth defects is when someone contracts the virus in the late stages of pregnancy. I had two c-sections, but for other reasons though. It actually was a relief to me- just out of caution.

Many of my questions were answered in time. He has an incredible s*x drive and our bedroom activities ARE important to both of us.

Email me if I can help in any other way!

Answer 5

Hi...

Sorry that you have to bear this burden...  I dont agree with your doc as the stats say that most dont even know they have it.  Your boyfriend your first?  you his first?  ever have cold sores on your lips?  You can transfer or relocate the virus to your genitals.

Contrary to popular medical belief amongst physicians... men often get outbreaks in "atypical locations".  Some start with a penile infection, some NO infection...  but a lot wind up with a patch that recurs on their butt cheek or near the sacrum.  See the virus lays dormant in the sacral ganglia (near your tailbone) until it finds its way out...  it usually follows a nerve path (think of your nerves coming out of your spine).  These "atypical" outbreaks are missed, misdiagnosed, mistaken for "rashes".

The pain is nerve pain... you'll have to treat the symptoms.

-Get on a daily supressive dose of Valtrex.  regular acyclovir is a pain  

in the *** to take and IMO is not as effective.

- if it effects your urination... fill a tub with shallow amount of water and climb in... pee in the water, stand up, rinse off.  it dilutes the urine so doesn't sting as much.  

-use talc powder on outside of your areas to reduce friction, which reduces pain.

- remove artificial sweetners, nuts, chocolate, caffiene and legumes (beans etc) from your diet for a while as these are triggers.

- Buy a LARGE bottle of L-lysine in the vitamin section.  Take it.  it aids/speeds healing of sores.

-learn to recognize whats known as a "prodrome".  some people report a lower leg to upper leg pain (deep nerve pain), to cold symptoms etc.. it will usually be the same for each occurence.

- take motrin as it's an anti inflammatory.

-Get counseling - for the both of you.

don't fall into the trap of thinking your life is over... its not.  i'm living this... i've been where you are.  carefully consider your relationship with your boyfriend as he may in fact be truthful and you would not want to lose that.  he may become a great ally and supporter for you through this, or it may show his true colors.  only time can tell that.