How can I improve this poem?

Question

Hometown Streets

By: Sher

These streets seem smaller now,

run-down, dirty, dangerous.

Were they always, had I not noticed?

Fading back in time

of innocent smiles, carefree giggles.

Familiar storefront steps,

stained with invisible popsicle drips.

Sidewalks engraved with images...

gliding stoop to stoop

barefoot, singing, discovering.

I swear the streets were endless then,

lively, clean, and trusting.

Were they, or had I not noticed?

Answer 1

"Hi!",

That was a great poem and I found this line quite uneque as I have never heard any other poet use it.

"stained with invisible popsicle drips".

Great poem, well written.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 2

Hi Sher!!!! The only thing I would change is the word "stained". It doesn't sound like a happy word. Maybe "filled"? Other than that, I think it is a great poem.

Answer 3

Very well done Sher....this is an image painted very clear and artistically...and I like the sensibility in the last three lines very much...

Answer 4

I don't think I can help you. It's beyond my writing skills. It was tough for me to understand. but, I'm new to poetry.

Answer 5

They don't clean street like they used to.

When I was in Taipei, in 1973, the people came out after dinner and swept the street in front of their homes.

Answer 6

it is excellent in theme and innermeaning

please add three or four line each in top and bottom stanza

Answer 7

I think it's good!

Answer 8

I think its really good, but i think i would of enjoyed it more you had used metaphors on how dirty and dangerous the street is.And how lively and clean it was.

Answer 9

I find it hard to critique anything in this.  Well said.  Now get yourself gone from that town! lol

Answer 10

The streets are definitely getting worse.  My son (who is now a father himself) was just remarking that - he can not let his children play and have their freedom outside - like he was able to do - and I before him. ♥

Answer 11

I guess your poem is so good. It rhymes and the last stanza has a good connection with the first one.The way you have used present tense in the first and past tense, is so interresting. The only one thing, you can do is to have knowledge on times of poems so that you can be sure that the way you created your stanzas is formal.

Answer 12

Sher,

Good poem. A few suggestions and comments for you (use them if they work for you or ignore them):

L3: You could cut the second phrase here and just go with:

Were they always?

L7: Wonderful line.

L11: You could cut "I swear"

L13: Here you could come back with the second part of the clause and cut "Were they," and end with:

Or had I not noticed?

Answer 13

How times have changed, you notice now, you noticed then.

Thoughtful poem, well said.

Answer 14

Very interesting, especially since I know Philly.

The streets were always that way. We didn't notice because we had no basis for comparison.

Wonderful poem, painting the city streets, illustrating how you have grown and learned to perceive the world around you in mature fashion.

Answer 15

How can you improve on what's already terrific?

Wonderful piece!