How do i approach this situation?

Question

first, i'm posting this in the marriage and divorce category because i want adult answers, not teenagers. my boyfriend is 31 and i'm 26 and we have been together for about 5 months. I have never had any issues with him and our friends all know we are pretty serious with each other. ok so yesterday for no good reason at all i looked through his phone. he was in the shower and i saw his phone sitting on the table so i looked at his messages. this is not something i have EVER done and i didn't do it expecting to find anything. well there were a couple message from H P. one from the middle of june said "i really want to see you but i can't find a baby sitter" then another one from 2 weeks ago saying "i'm at 400 you should come see me!!!" (400 is a bar by the way) ok well i'm curious about why her name is only the initials and if i should feel weird about messages like that. i truly don't think he did anything but something is bugging me about it. what is the best way to approach him without seeming crazy or aggressive? my brother said to just ask who hp is and go from there. but i want to also let him know i found the messages but wasn't even doing it to really calm my mind because i didn't think it was like him at all to cheat. sounds vain but i was curious to see what he tells his friends about me. i didn't get a chance to see his text messages to her either, just the ones she sent him. please let me know how to approach him, i trust him but right now i just have so many questions i want to handle this the best way without this turning in to a blaming game, i want to hear what he has to say but let him know im a little hurt about this too. i want him to know that i will listen to what he's saying and not turn it around on him or anything. what are good questions to ask?

Answer 1

Can you check his outgoing messages/sent messages?  I'm a sneak, so that is what I would do.

Ask him if he ever dated someone with kids.  There is a new show on TLC about dating single moms, watch it, and bring it up.

If that doesn't do the trick by bringing it out in the open... I would say suck it up and ask him.  It might be nothing.  I once assumed that a girl was more than a friend and it took me 7 months to get that mistake corrected when all said and done.  It might just be a long, lost (married) friend.  Maybe he hasn't said anything because he doesn't want to worry or upset you, but it might be totally innocent.  So ask him who is HP, and if he says computer, tell him you didn't know HP had text messaging computers that needed sitters to go to the bar.  You might have to fess up your snoop session, but if he dumps you over that - he probably cheated and is just trying to get out.  Let him if he is so eager.  

Chances are that he is happy with you but he might just have an over-anxious not-so-over-him ex girlfriend.  She might have hurt him, and thus is not easy for him to talk about.  

Try to be gentle.  Keep your voice down.  Talk AFTER dinner because hungry = cranky!

Answer 2

Just ask him straight out. Dont let him make the issue about you going through his phone. Keep on track about what you want to know. Tell him you are not comfortable with this woman wanting to meet up with him and to ease your mind, could he tell you who she is and maybe to see the txt messages he sent - did he ask to meet her when she couldn't get a sitter. Dont assume that she is doing all the chasing. I know you trust him blindly but can you still do that now? Mature answer - just ask him and make ur decision based on his response or lack of a response. Good luck!

Answer 3

Do you remember the number?, if so go and find the last phone bill and go over it as this will not tell you lies and you will be able to see how many text messages he has made to her or how many times he has phoned her. If there is a lot then you will know there's probably alot more going down than you think.  

Answer 4

Who cares how crazy you seem?  He is up to something and behind your back doing it.  He deserves to have his case jumped on.  When you see him later ask for his phone and go to the message.  Calmly (very calmly) ask what all this is supposed to mean?  It doesn't matter how you found the messages but that you found them.  He's got something going on so don't let him make you feel bad about it.  Ask him as soon as you see him.  

Answer 5

Firstly, we all know that why you look in his phone. All us women do it we what to know are our men faithful to us and what do he really do. So even though you said you weren't looking for anything you really weren't but you wanted so insurance that he was being faithful. Secondly, I don't think he could be that careless and leave a message like that up if it pertained to him cheating or having another relationship. So I think its safe to address him first ask him if he is comfortable with you reading his text messages on his phone than go thur it if the messages are still there ask him about the h.p. character it maybe a friend or family member but keep it real with him

Answer 6

wow, sounds like your in between a rock and a hard place!! because as soon as you say anything about this hes going to say why and you dont trust him!

i too look at my bfs phone from time to time just for the h**l of it, and like you, i dont really have  reason other than being nosey i guess. if i found initials like that i would automatically wanna know why and i would have confronted him right away.

im with your bro, just ask, whos HG and why only initials. why dont i know? did you meet her at 400? (all valid questions) innocent ppl dont get angry or shut down, guitly ones do and try to cover up at all costs. but if he is cheating on you, its better that you learn now, not when its too late.

i hope he is not cheating on you, you didnt say its been a rocky relationship. best of luck.

Answer 7

Just tell him the truth on why you were going threw his phone and you happen to come across this and you want to know who this girl is but in a nice way there really is no way to ask something like this exspecially since you were going threw his phone

Answer 8

I know everyone is going to say you should not have invaded his privacy but lets face it people do this type of thing all the time. I would look at his phone again get the number and google it. Maybe it is just a Friend or relative. If it is I would drop it. If you are not sure just say who is HP. Go from there.

Answer 9

Firstly, you have every right to be confused, hurt or downright angry.  What ever your feelings, if you really want to work through it with him, the best way is to get it out in the open.  If your a bit nervous touching on the subject of HP, start out by asking him if he's happy in the relationship and go from there.  Don't make up a story to how you came across the name HP, be honest and let him know that your just trying to be honest aswell.  If it goes bad, and he gets angry or doesn't understand, its not your fault.  He should of mentioned something about someone called HP to you at some point, so you wouldn't have to be feeling like this now.  If he doesn't understand, if he thinks your snooping, then its his loss.  Don't get overly emotional, be mature about it. Show him that you can be mature about situations and tell him that you want honesty from him aswell..  A relationship with a lack of communication is always the hardest, you need to talk but be brave for the consequences.  Stand your ground, but know when to give in and if you should.  

Answer 10

I've been in this situation before. I think you should do what your brother said. That's what I did. Ask him who that is then when you find out who it is simply tell him in a calm voice 'I really care for you, this relationship means a lot to me. I was just curious to see how you felt for me and I went through your phone. I know it seems a bit childish and infantile but I was just anxious to see what you said about me to your friends. Then I found these texts and they are making me inquisitive. I'm not accusing you of anything, I trust you, but can you please explain this? It would make me feel more secure.' If he reacts by getting upset, he's guilty. If he doesn't get upset, then there's nothing to worry about.  

Answer 11

You are assuming that HP is a girl. My husband has several of his guy friends in his phone as nicknames or initials. But most guys don't say "come see me"

You've only been dating for 5 months. I would let it go. He's been alive for 31 years without you nagging him. If you start now you will be gone. Don't snoop again. If you are the one and the relationship progresses I'm sure he will blow her off. For now your relationship is too new. In 6 more months if you see the messages again then ask him. If you ask now I think it would be too agressive. (Hi, I snooped through your phone when you were in the shower and now I'm pissed.)  

Answer 12

You need more info, stay calm and gather more.  First, could HP be a guy first of all?  And, second, you need to look at his phone again for outgoing messages.  This is important to have all the info so if he lies to you when you ask him who HP is you will know.   Six months is usually when you will start to really know a person, so keep your eyes and ears open.  If he is cheating, you want nothing to do with him, I don't care how much you love him.  Let me know how it goes.

Answer 13

If you tell him he'll be more careful around is all. He might get angry as this is his private area. Even if you are married checking someones messages is not nice for any reason. I think you better let it go. Get over it. And be more on your toes about him. Always remember if there is something going guys always act stupid and deny it.

Answer 14

I do agree with your brother, There should be no reason for your boyfriend to get upset if you ask him who is H.P if he has nothing to hide he will tell you who that is. & to be honest with you if he has not mention H.P to you don't you think there is a reason for that?

it is better to face this problem now that you have only been with him for 5 months & not later that you are more involve with him.