How is my intrduction?

Question

Prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the world; it started with the very first civilization and has continued to present day. The argument over whether prostitution should be legalized or stay a criminal act has many facets. Some people feel it should remain illegal because of these factors: abuse, drugs and diseases. Other people suggest that legalization may actually benefit the society in the following ways: not as much of criminal activities, a reduced amount of STDS smaller number child prostitutes and if prostitution is decriminalized it will become economically profitable. In my opinion I believe that it should be legalized. Prostitution in my view is morally wrong and extremely not acceptable but people have the inherent rights to their own body and the government should not be taking on the role of the moral conscious

can you find my thesis? is it clear?

thanks

Answer 1

It is good for the most part, but you should never use I think or I believe in a thesis or in any part of the paper. THere are other ways to state your opinion. Also, don't ride the fench. If what you are writing and trying to prove is that prostition is wrong, make that your thesis. You state that you believe it should be legalized, then state that it is morally wrong. Look through all of your notes again and decide which POV you are taking.

Good luck

Answer 2

yea i like it makes sence

Answer 3

its all good, but maybe you should make the intro sentence a little more interesting, because everyone knows prostitution has been around for forever.

Answer 4

"not as much of criminal activities", sounds kind of funny could be changed to "not as much criminal activities" (the "of" was uneeded, didnt flow (i had to read it twice))

gotta go though, but otherwise id try and help more,

Answer 5

Thesis is very clear.  You have two point of views and evidence to back them up along with your opinion.  It's very good!! =)

Answer 6

You had a good start, but once you got into your examples, the writing seemed to fall apart. While you explicitly stated your reasons, you set it up in an awkward and contrived way. Try to make the examples flow a little better and give it parallel structure (especially the second set of examples).

After the examples, the intro takes another awkward turn with 'In my opinion I believe that it should be legalized.' The terms 'In my opinion' and 'I believe' are the exact same. Those two phrases should never be stuck together like that. In fact, that sentence is not needed at all - just go straight to your thesis.

Another part of your introduction that I would object to is the use of 'I' and 'my'. A paper generally reads more professional and well-written if you omit this words. Any opinion expressed in the paper is assumed to be yours, unless you attribute to somebody else.

The last criticism I will give you to really look over your writing and pay special attention to your word choice. In your thesis the phrase 'extremely not acceptable' can be condensed simply to 'unacceptable'. In my experience, at least, people prefer a shorter and concise thesis. Distill your topic to its purest form, and use the rest of your essay to show the strength of your feelings.

This is a good start though, and the ideas presented so far seem strong. Good luck on the rest!

Answer 7

There is no thesis =/

Answer 8

i luvv it

xoxoxoxoxoxo  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚˜Âº ☻ ♥ i didnt know teachers went on yahoo...

Answer 9

good. two suggestions.

1)instead of "extremely not acceptable" just put "unacceptable" or "extremely unacceptable"

2) "moral conscious" may not be the best phrase to use. Try to find another one.

Otherwise, pretty good.