How to be more confident?

Question

When someone is talented, educated, good-looking is extremely self concious and basically achingly lacking in self-confidence, what is a girl to do?

I'm in my early thirties, married with a 1 year old daughter. I feel I am going through life very lonely because I keep yearning for more motherly or older-sisterly shoulder to lean on. I come from a small family, and I don't feel I have sort of a life-long woman's support, like an older sister, for example. I am the oldest and my sister is 15 years YOUNGER than me. My mom's personality is the opposite of mine, and she is not into this psychology stuff :) and men, oh well, it's not the same. I have a very good friend who is like my sister, but I live abroad, so it's not enough, at all.

I just want to be proud of what god gave me, therefore comfortable and going forward. Right now, if someone (other than my husband), just a regular motherly figure tells me something positive about myself, I'd break out in tears in an instant.

Also, my personality spells meticulous, and I could get tunnel vision (leading to paranoia :)) when it gets down to plans, lists, things to get done, etc. But any nice vacation will tone that down,

Also, i constantly thing something bad is going to happen to me or people around me. constantly :(

it's a really heavy load that i am carrying and i constantly feel the need to unload it on my husband, who is a human being and has only a certain capacity for my huge loads that keep being re-stocked...by the day.

i wish to be free of all this. i feel i am my own worst enemy, i cannot apply myself and my talents and my education feeling this way. nor is it nice for my daughter to have a mom feeling like this.

i guess, in a nutshell, i'm just sad, and worried, most of the time.

when i move, like shop, go for a walk, go outside, i feel exactly the opposite of all that. but being in the house makes me generally feel bad. i always enjoy activity but i grew up so busy with school for a decade it's so hard getting over the lazy habits. ideally i should be a runner or an amateur athelete, but i have a baby now and things are complex. but i will make it a point to try. i owe it to myself.

advice is highly appreciated.

Answer 1

Well, I think that you are misleading yourself in thinking that an older sibling would be all that great to have. Mine did some horrific things to me like smashing me in the mouth with a brick, cutting my wrist open in a fight that I nearly bleed to death of, and many others.

But it sounds like you are going through some serious issues that you should be talking to a professional about. Have you considered that this also might be postmortem depression?

What ever you do, don't expect to keep what your doing up as, I assure you, it is slowing eroding your marriage away and never let your child see you in this state as it can be extremely damaging. Kids need to think that their parents are invincible and you crying hysterically in front of them is unfair to them and nothing short of child abuse.

But please, seek help. Your not going to find any magic answers here on yahoo.

Answer 2

Recognize your insecurities. What does that voice in the back of your mind say? What makes you ashamed of yourself? This could be anything from acne, to regrets, to emotional abuse (past or present) from a loved one or friends at school. Whatever is making you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior, identify it, give it a name, and write it down.

Talk about it with friends and loved ones. Wear it on your sleeve. Each day you should chip away at it; wear it down. There's no quick fix. Get to the root of the problem; focus on it and understand that you need to resolve each issue before you can move on.

Remember that no one is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. At some point in any of our lives, we may feel we lack something. That is reality. Learn that life is full of bumps down the road.

Identify your successes. Everyone is good at something, so discover the things at which you excel, then focus on your talents. Give yourself permission to take pride in them. Give yourself credit for your successes. Inferiority is a state of mind in which you've declared yourself a victim. Do not allow yourself to be victimized.

Be thankful for what you have. A lot of the times, at the root of insecurity and lack of confidence is a feeling of not having enough of something, whether it's emotional validation, good luck, money, etc. By acknowledging and appreciating what you do have, you can combat the feeling of being incomplete and unsatisfied. Finding that inner peace will do wonders for your confidence.

Be Positive, even if you don't feel positive. Avoid self-pity, or the pity and sympathy of others. Never allow others to make you feel inferior--they can only do so if you let them. If you continue to loathe and belittle yourself, others are going to do and believe likewise. Instead, speak positively about yourself, about your future, and about your progress. Do not be afraid to project your strengths and qualities to others. By doing so, you reinforce those ideas in your mind and encourage your growth in a positive direction.

Look in the mirror and smile. Studies surrounding what's called the "facial feedback theory" suggest that the expressions on your face can actually encourage your brain to register certain emotions. So by looking in the mirror and smiling every day, you might feel happier with yourself and more confident in the long run.



I am gorgeous, huh?Fake it. Along the same lines of smiling to make yourself feel happy, acting confident might actually make you believe it. Pretend you're a completely confident version of you; go through the motions and see how you feel.

http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confid...

http://www.youmeworks.com/confidencewith...

Answer 3

hard-work and practice.

Answer 4

Meyaw,

   You struck a chord in me.  I know how you feel.  I've been fortunate to have been sent such a mother figure when I moved far away from home.  But of course, it wasn't the same.  And hearing you, I realize it is unfair to drop the entire load on your husband.  I also, however, believe it is unfair for a mother and wife, with the complex (as you point out) roles we still play, to be without adequate support.  Ultimately, as modern-day as our society is, a mother who feels she has no support will have adifficult time.  What advice?  Continue to seek out female support and counsel.  You may have been sent someone where you are, and you don't know it yet.  Be friendly to other women. Join a book club.  Join a group of mothers like you.  Begin your own club.

Running is a tremendous way to relieve anxiety.  Until I recently inured myself, I was an avid runner:  ten milers, half marathons.  Find a way to leave baby at home or with someone you trust, and go.  There are running clubs.  Allow yourself to have the gym daycare watch your baby.  

I recently discovered flylady.net.  I'm not trying to sell you something, and there's no financial gain.  It's a yahoo group and it's free.  It's been helping me lately.  I understand the lazy habits of the perpetual student.  I and my husband were long-term students.

If you pray, continue to.  A well-chosen church or prayer group can be a source of support.

Above all else, take time to listen, every morning, to what your heart and soul are telling you that you need, and don't be afraid to seek it.  A well-considered life is the only life worth living.