How to deal with relatives?

Question

We have recently started unschooling (been homeschooling for a couple of years, but the decision to unschool was fairly recent) and all the relatives who had finally shut up and accepted homeschooling are now critical or unschooling. Everyone has something to say, and none of it is nice. One relative in particular hadn't even accepted homeschooling, so even though we aren't going to go around announcing "We're unschooling!"... word gets around, and we have a nosy family.

We had to tell one relative, because we live with her. She didn't react well when we told her the first time, but someone brought unschooling up the other day and she acted like she'd never heard it before in her life and accused us of trying to keep it a secret.

Anyways, what do you do/say to quiet nosy, critical relatives?

Answer 1

I don't try to defend or prove that what we are doing is working.  If my children are not proof enough that unschooling works, then nothing I say will convince someone who's mind is set against it.

As I told my stepfather one night, "You are welcome to voice your opinion, as long as you understand that we have given this a lot of thought, and nothing you say will change our minds.  If you have questions, by all means, ask them."

Turns out he didn't want to ask questions, just give his opinions.  When he found out that his opinions didn't matter to me, he became enraged, and has never spoken about it since.  At least not to me.  He's too embarrassed.  According to my mother, he has since decided that it's ok with him that we homeschool.  

Now I can sleep at night. ;)

Answer 2

I'd get my kids involved in the decision making of what to say to people. Get all the emotions out from them and you, the parents. Brainstorm every possible solution--accept anything and everything, even the most ridiculous suggestion. You go through it all afterwards eliminating together the ones that really won't work and discussing why, then narrow it even more to some reasonable things. Each person may have something different to say or do. And the kids may give you some great ideas for your own things to do. :)

Answer 3

First, and foremost (and OF COURSE, you have to unschool CORRECTLY) ALL of the major discoveries of the world were done by unschooling or what is known as independent studies.

At college Newton saw the prism and the rainbow and there was an explaination by the college for this and Newton decided that wasn't right and he put his thinking cap on and unschooled his own concept, which WAS correct that white light is made up of different colors and all that prism does is spread them out.

It took a lot of work and effort for him to get the college to accept his views which were contrary to their views.

All the rest of the mow cows in his college courses JUST BLINDLY accepted the college view of what it was!

Shall we go down the list of homeschoolers

Let's start with Dr. Condolezze Rice, Secretary of State, homeschooled in a basement for the first six years of her life

Writers

Hans Christian Anderson

Margaret Atwood

Pearl S. Buck

William F. Buckley, Jr.

Agatha Christie

Samuel Clemens -

(Mark Twain)

Charles Dickens

Robert Frost

Alex Haley

Brett Harte

C.S. Lewis

Doris Lessing

Christopher Paolini - author of Eragon

Beatrix Potter

Carl Sandburg

George Bernard Shaw

Mattie J. T. Stepanek - author of Heartsongs

Mercy Warren

Phillis Wheatley

Walt Whitman

Laura Ingalls Wilder

Presidents

• John Adams

• John Quincy Adams

• Grover Cleveland

• James Garfield

• William Harrison

• Andrew Jackson

• Thomas Jefferson

• Abraham Lincoln

• James Madison

• Franklin Roosevelt

• Theodore Roosevelt

• John Tyler

• George Washington

• Woodrow Wilson

Inventors

Alexander Graham Bell - invented the telephone

John Browning - firearms inventor and designer

Peter Cooper - invented skyscraper, built first U.S. commercial locomotive

Thomas Edison - stock ticker, mimeograph, phonograph, light bulb

Benjamin Franklin - invented the lightning rod

Elias Howe - invented sewing machine

William Lear - airplane creator

Cyrus McCormick - invented grain reaper

Guglielmo Marconi - developed radio

Sir Frank Whittle - invented turbo jet engine

Orville and Wilbur Wright - built the first successful airplane

Answer 4

If worst comes to worst (ie: logic doesn't work and they don't take you up on the offer to read some enlightening literature) smile and tell them they have full permission to say "I told you so" if any of your kids end up on drugs or in jail. Until then they need to give you the benefit of the doubt, to your face at least.

Answer 5

I'd say, and have said, "Thanks for your concern, but we're doing what's best for our family." and discontinue the argument. If they insist, I'll offer them a book by Kohn or Holt and tell them when they've read the whole thing, I'll discuss it with them. I refuse to argue with someone who is uneducated about both sides of the argument.

Answer 6

Explain, show how smart the kids are becoming, and allow family to help you find good things to study for you!  They could be a world of help, if they are behind you on this.  Keep discussing and talking!

Answer 7

I cannot recommend this to everyone, but I treat it just like I would if my family disapproved of my choice of spouse, my choice to be a mother, my career and education choices for myself, my religion or any other personal, private issues of lifestyle. I tell them how it is. I hear their concerns. Then I tell them to shut it. If they refuse, we don't see them anymore. There are those who remain politely dubious, or who want to help a little more than is appreciated. That, I tolerate because the things they say and do come from their love of my child. They still have to accept my ( and my husband's) parenting authority.Those who are overly critical of HSing, tend to also be overly critical of everything else if they are allowed to weigh in about it. They are just negative to be negative. I don't tolerate it. Your family has the right to ask questions and even do their own research. They do not have the right to condemn your choices or control your parenting decisions.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Just be point blank with them. Let them know they're your kids and you will do what you feel is best with them and they can do what's best for theirs.

For me my MIL lives about a block away and she is always over telling me what harm I am doing to "HER GRANDKIDS" and I kindly tell her she had her chance to raise hers now it's my turn.

But-- I'm not as nice as some people.

Answer 9

When in Rome do as the Romans do. While living with her, I'd be just as astonished about the whole thing myself. Afterall, a guest must walk on tippy-toes. You may walk softy now, but when on your own, then carry a big stick.

Answer 10

yeah! unschooling!

It seems like they don't even care about your kids enough to give unschooling a chance(in understanding it), so whatever they have to say is irrelevent, they just want control.

so just ignore them until they're willing to try to understand unschooling, then if they have something bad to say about it you can consider it as worth anything at all.

joyfullyrejoycing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 11

Not sure exactly what "unschooling is" but I think that your relatives just care about you. remember, they are family and that they care. They probubly are critical because they are concerned that you may not be getting what you need and with homeschooling kids miss out on the inschool experience, friends etc. I'm not knocking home shchooling there are advantages and disadvantages. I think that the relatives just care and if they ask you questions, then just answer them so they can understand what it is that you are doing. Why would you keep it a seceret. Secerets are kept when someone is doing something wrong or a suprise! Education is important and lays a foundation for your entire future. If you don't get what you need out of it, this can have HUGE affects on you later in life and opportunities.

Answer 12

Here are some tips for dealing with intrusive family members.  It is about homeschooling in general, but maybe some of these ideas will help:

http://www.successful-homeschooling.com/...

Answer 13

they are relatives, so you probably won't be able to do it. You are going to have to just tell them it was the best decision for you and\or it really is none of their business, then drop it. I know it is hard and no matter what you do or say someone is bound to get mad. It's hard to ignore relatives when they are so vocal, but if that was the decision and the best decision to be made, then try to find a way to shrug it off and go on. You make the best decision at the time, so don't worry over relatives opinions-even ones you live with. they don't always no the full and entire reason decisions are made.

Answer 14

tell them it is your kids, so you get to decide.