How to shut up a cow.?

Question

As some of you may know I am considering getting into the home slaughtering business, and as a spur of the moment decision last night I ordered a live cow. However I have just realised schools are still on holiday and my garden is surrounded by children either side whom I am sure do not want to hear a cow being slaughtered.

How would I go about making it quiet during the entire slaughtering process? Quick answers please it is being delivered at 3pm and my garden is small so it can't run around for too long.

Answer 1

OMFG.

That is sick, how can you even do that yourself?

Let alone taking the chance a kid could see that happening.

I'm sorry but my older brother did that when I was little and it makes me sick to this day, just looking at meat.

Answer 2

you should surprise her by making eyes at her first and perhaps a little grass wouldn't go amiss then after you've lulled her into a false sense of security wallop her on the top of her head then slaughter her

Answer 3

you have to have a licence to slaughter any animal and cannot be done in your back garden. Suggest that you would be contravening every health and safety rule in the book, not to mention the care of the animal

i too smell bullshit

Answer 4

I can smell bullsh*t

Answer 5

do it in the dead of winter that way it can hang outside for a week. shoot it with a 12 gauge shotgun in the head. drops like a ton of bricks.

Answer 6

Hmm... I've got a distinctly cattle-like smell under my nose right now as I read this - your question is about as genuine as the one you posted about Bacon Latkes which you couldn't even spell - there's no such thing as Lutkes no more than you're having a cow delivered to your back garden.  

Answer 7

the obvious answer is to kill it!

well, ok, you can tie its mouth with some string so that not much sound would be produced. Then you take it inside your shed/ garage, somewhere the kids will not see it and take out your knife and there you go! Shing! Its dead.

Answer 8

Use the standard British Abotoire method- Shooting it in the back of the head with a bolt-gun. This instantly paralyses the animal- nothing but a quiet yelp for a split-second.

Answer 9

Take it in the shed and cut its throat.

Answer 10

go up to the cow and say "eh! shaddap!!" then b slap it and walk away.

Answer 11

give it a nice pile of grass

or just shoot it in the head with a shotgun