I'm a horrible Dad?

Question

My son was born when I was seventeen. His Mum left us when he was two weeks old and I was left to look after him alone. At this point I had been a heroin addict since I was 14 and a heavy drinker/smoker. I fought for so long to get clean and kept having to start all over again. I became schizophrenic and depressed with PTSD. It took me years to become 'normal' again and I did it all for my son.

I'm now the 20-year-old Dad of three children. Nathan (3), Eleanor (5 days) and Joshua (5 days). I have an amazing fiance and good job. My son Nathan suffers leukemia and I have been having a hard time coping. Nathan means so much to me and I have been fearing him dying and struggling to be there as much as he needs. I haven't bonded at all with the twins, I felt like Nathan needed me too much. The doctors recently told me that it wasn't looking good for Nathan and it crushed me. I have been terrified for a while that I would give in but promised myself I wouldn't

Answer 1

Just make an effort to not do it again.  It happened, don't dwell on it anymore.  Just be there for him. Seek treatment, maybe a methadone clinic to curb your addiction.  Nathan is still here - stop spending time on the computer and be with him and away from anything and anyone that'll influence you to use drugs.

Answer 2

This may sound harsh, but you also have two more children you need to stay clean for.  Your fiance and babies need you as much as Nathan does.  It isn't about you anymore.  You were able to overcome your addiction once and you can do it again.  If you believe in God, you need to put yourself in his hands and let him work with you.  God works miracles in many ways and that includes the miracles he works through other people, the doctors and nurses caring for Nathan, the people that can help you get clean again, your fiance and twins to give you the strength and resolve to get through this current crisis.

Answer 3

your not a bad dad..you got yourself clean...and yes people do have relapse after being addicted to drugs...As long as you don't keep doing that drugs I would not say you are a bad dad..stay clean for your children and stay strong for your son..He needs you!

Answer 4

I don't think that your a horrible dad. You did the hardest thing and became clean for your son. You could have just left him like his mother or raised him while continue to do drugs but you chose to be the father he needed and deserved. There are not many 17 year olds who would do what you did. Now you are going through the hardest thing you will ever have to. Please seek help for yourself too. You need to get counseling to help you deal with this without going back to drugs. Nathan needs you to stay strong for him and the twins also need you. I will be praying for you and your son.

Answer 5

Just because you have made some bad decisions in the past and recently does not mean that you are a bad person. I think that you know exactly what you want in life, and you know that you will have to fight for it. I can see that you are fighting by getting clean and trying to stay that way. I suggest you get some professional help so you will be able to kick the habit for good. It will be a fight for the rest of your life. I am very sorry for the hand that you have been dealt but hopefully it will get better as time moves on. I do think that your son Nathan needs you more than ever and it seems like you want to be there for him. I know you worry about your other two babies not getting enough from you but as long as you hold them and love on them some during the day they will be OK. When they get older you will be able to explain how things are and how you fought so hard for their older brother and for them. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for your family. You can email me if you need to talk but I'm not sure how much help I would be, I have not been through something like this but I will listen if you need to talk. I think you are a great dad for fighting to make your life along with your families life better, others wouldnt even put up a fight they would just continue on their path of destruction.

Answer 6

AM I pregnant or are you pregnant?  Duhhhh

Answer 7

i think you are having a really, really hard time. and i think anyone who answers this with something rude or belittling is insensitive and awful, so i hope you don't get much of that. sounds like your life has been super rough...and you have a hard time dealing with it. (like anyone would in that situation). you say your woman is wonderful, so talk to her about it. tell her the truth. let her know what's going on, how you are feeling and that you want to be the best that you can in the husband and father department, but right now you're not sure how to deal. and you know you're making decisions that hurt more than they help, but you want to fix it. you not bonding with the twins in that situation probably isn't big to worry about right now. you can't MAKE yourself bond with them. but you could try playing with nathan with them. it might help you bond. i'm sure he's excited to be a big brother. have you thought about going to a church? you need something positive to replace the heroin. something stronger than that. you know that feeling you usually get when you get high? (the good part of it), well, if you empower yourself and re direct your stress then you can feel that way all the time. there isn't much you can do to change your son's health. make the best of what you have. hug him, kiss him, read to him, tell him everything you think you need to tell him, and hope for the best. but understand that it's not in your hands. if he does not make it, you did the best you could. it's not your fault. i hate to say it, but if he is suffering and in pain.......Heaven does not hurt. either way, he has a purpose. to make you stronger and teach you that you can't take the easy way out. getting high makes it better for a little while, but makes it so much worse later on. come clean with your woman, relax....you are only human. we all make mistakes. be happy with what you have now.....do all you can to make it better but understand that you can't control everything. try church. try a support group for parents with sick children. get involved in something that makes you happy. i wish you the best. everything will work out. you know that getting high won't make the problems go away. you tried that. doesn't work. try something else. something opposite. i feel for you. you got this far, you will be fine. -melissa

Answer 8

you could be a very good dad, you are constantly thinking of your children, don't make the little ones suffer because you feel guilty about nathan.  

spend one on one time with all kids and do family stuff too, even if it's just regular around the house stuff.

be there for your son as much as you can, it sounds like you are.  spend as much time with your boy, he will need you for as long as his fight lasts and as long as you do all you can for him you will have no regrets, forget what you did, think of what you are.  a DAD, a husband, a provider and a good person, keep being what you are and you'll be ok.

Answer 9

Look.  You cannot, cannot, cannot go back to heroin. You've been there, done that and you have two other, beautiful, precious babies to look after.  This is a test of your strength and you must pass it.

You must face your problems and not with heroin.

Please seek counseling now.  Nathan still needs you and so does Eleanor and Joshua.  You can't bail out.  It's totally unacceptable, get help now.

Nathan is in my thoughts.....and so are you and the rest of your family.

Answer 10

Just because you made a bad choice doesn't make you a bad person or a bad father.

You made a mistake. You recognize that mistake. Move forward without looking back. As you know, one day at a time. Stay strong.

Good luck and God Bless You and Nathan!

Answer 11

Just try to balance it out a bit more. Your son is sick and I am very sorry for you and him especially. I wish you/him the best, try to stay stong, I know it is hard but remember who needs you right now. It isnt about your feeings right now, its about your kids. Try to spend some time with the twins, your oldest son obviously needs the most attention at the moment but dont completely ignore them either, they need their dad, and shooting up get you one place - eventually dead, you really want to leave your kids? Remember who needs you, like I said it isnt about you anymore..

Answer 12

I think anybody who doesn't have a kid with leukemia really isn't in a position to judge you.

But go get help for yourself so you can be a help for your kids.  Do it now, before you reach a point that you can't be helped, because you'll never forgive yourself otherwise.  

Best wishes

Answer 13

You need to seek counseling immediately.  Once you "fall off that wagon" the likelyhood of you doing it again is much higher.

You should seek support from someone who can help you thru this hard time as well as deal with your addiction.

Please do this immediately.  Shooting up the second time will be much easier than the first.

Answer 14

you have had a relapse... but don't let that be the reason to mess up more... my dad is also an addict ... he is still not clean and i dont hold any hope for him to become clean any time soon. So my advice to you being a daughter of an addict is... the best thing you could do right now is get clean again and try your hardest to stay that way. I admire that you still have your kids and that you were able to clean up for them. a relapse is just a relapse unless you continue using. your son needs you and i think you know this, so be strong for him and stay clean. if you can do that then i don't think that you are a bad dad, everyone has there problems. and if you can overcome yours for you children then that makes you a dad who love his kids.

Answer 15

well i think you did good. some people it takes them forever or never to get over a drug and you did it for 2 years. its also good that you have a good relationship and good job. even though it isnt good to shoot up its understandable because your just a normal parent, parents worry about  their kids and dont want to see them in any pain. shooting up was just a way of coping with your feelings, which wasnt a good idea and i hope you dont relapse all the way. good luck

Answer 16

I think that you made a mistake, and while it's not a mistake one would normally make, it's still a mistake. At least you recognize that you messed up and regret it, some people in your position might not do such a thing and continue with the behavoir.

I think you should be recognized for cleaning up and stepping up to the plate. Many sober men couldn't/wouldn't step up and raise a child by themselves, let alone quit a serious addiction in order to do what you've done.

I hope you to have success in staying clean and that this is a one time event. While Nathan is here in this world he needs you, and if he leaves I hope that Eleanor and Joshua are enough to keep you from old habits. They will need you to be there for them.

I am sorry to hear of the recent news you received and will pray for your son Nathan. I could not imagine hearing that of one of my own children. Stay strong for your family.

Answer 17

go nad get some help. if not for your self than for nathan . your son needs you right now . it easy to fall off the wagon . of course mine is with drinking .  i have to keep in mind that if my son , 14 months old , needs me in the middle of the night , am i going to be able to get up to get him . getting help doesnt make you a bad dad . if dont get help , knowing you got a problem , that would make you a bad dad .  good luck and hope nathan gets better .

Answer 18

Just don't do it again. Go to therapy about your son and don't do drugs. Drugs will make it worse on the other kids and you.

Answer 19

ANY addict will have relapses,just remember WHY you stopped in the first place,You aren't a horrible dad for it,you ARE human and we all make mistakes.Any addict is ALWAYS in recovery,you can be clean and sober for yrs and still be recovering:) Just remember your son and when you get the urge to relapse,think of him.I know some of this first hand and when I get an urge I turn to my husband and my children and look at all I have achieved in my life and always remember I did it for them.Good luck to you,You can do it ALL ADDICTS WILL HAVE RELAPSES espacially in a stressful time that is just a part of life don't beat yourself up for it:)Think of your son and what it would do to him if you weren't there:)

Answer 20

Atleast you know it was wrong. Maybe you should go to a counselor so that you can talk about your worries and fears openly. THey can probably help you more than anyone here. I can't even imagine going through that. Also, about bonding with the twins.... they are Nathan's siblings too, it is important for him to realize that. He is going through alot and family is so important. Do things with all three of them maybe...

Sorry im not much help, but dont think of yourself as a horrible dad, addictions are extrenely hard o overcome, and you have alot to worry about/

Answer 21

I am so sorry for what you are going through. No parent should have to go through any of that. The best thing you can do, is go and see a doctor and asked to be referred to a psychologist. They can really help you deal with skeletons in your closet and they can help you be a better you, and be a better dad. Do it for you but most of all, do it for those beautiful children of yours. Stay strong

Answer 22

First, find the nearest NA meeting and go... now! You can't help your son if you are high. This is the card you have been dealt and now its time to play it. Your son is sick, you can't change that. I am so sad for you, but pitying yourself is not going to help. Go make your sons last days better than his first. Hold him, tell him you love him, read to him, cuddle and kiss him and and thank god that you got clean in enough time to be there with him now because I can guarantee that if you were using right now things would be even worse. Take those babies to see their brother so that when they get older they can look at pictures of them together and you can tell them how excited he was to have them. I know it has got to be the hardest thing in the world to watch your son like this but you have no choice. Your job is to comfort him and take care of him so go do it and deal with your self pity later. You are setting yourself up to have the same relationship with these babies as you did with your son, don't repeat your mistakes.

Answer 23

Not a horrible Dad Reed, a Dad who had a moment of weakness.  Feel guilty if you want to, but what good does that do Nathan?  Not any good at all, you know you made a mistake, a big one, but one that you can learn from.  If you learn nothing from it then it was all for naught.  I can't imagine what kind of stress this can cause, but being a recovering meth user myself I understand why you would go back to the heroin to feel "normal" again.

Email me if you want to talk, recovering user to recovering user.

Answer 24

I agree with the first answer, but also want to add, I struggled with drinking not the same as heroin I know, and it was controlled, basically nighttime drinking only but none the less it was taking over my life, I was depressed quit cleaning my house etc. What got me out of it was one day I thought what would I want my daughters to do if her life had gotten her down and the thought of them acting like I was was horrifying to me. So I decided to try the best I could to lead by example of how I want my daughters to be. You have to take it one day at a time and start over with a clean slate each day. You are not a horrible dad, but you do need to seek counseling for your addiction and your grief. I cannot imagine going through what you are. But I have seen my brother in law throw his life away to heroin time and time again. You have recognized your problem now you have to choose to not let it take over your life again. And for everyone who says "just don't do it again" does not understand heroin. Please get some help your children need you. Your son already lost his mother when she walked out, do not choose to let him loose his father as well. I wish you and your son the best of luck.