I feel detached from my children?

Question

I have 2 boys...6 years and 5 months. For some reason, I feel very detached from my children. I have never been much of a playmate, so it is hard for me to sit and "play". I love to read, so I try reading to them, but they are not very interested. I love my children with all of heart, but I wish that I felt closer to them. Any suggestions? Please no rude answers, I would like honest help here. My children are the most important thing to me, and I really would like a better bond with the both of them. Thank you in advance!

Answer 1

I find it hard to sit and play with my kids too, but I've noticed little bits of humour in my kids and I like to play on that, I'll use  weird voices while i'm cookin dinner and dance like an idiot in front of them and they enjoy that but yea I can't play along side i'm too impatient I think!! Like some other ladies said, find common interests, they are part of you too!! Have you tried having a shower or bath with your baby? My 8mth old really enjoys the closeness of this. This year I decided to put my son (7) into an extra-curricular activity (football) and he really likes chatting about it to me and we've become closer because of this. I've also introduced a lucky dip with family activities written on little pieces of paper and we do these every weekend which really brings us together. All the best :)

Answer 2

sounds like you're just going through a rough patch, unless it's always been this way towards your older child.  My doctor called it malaise -- fixes include meds, counseling (these two work best), some sort of therapy.

I know it sounds extreme, the drugs & shrink, but neither is a lifelong comittment. You really should look into ways that will help you include your children in your emotions.  If nothing else, these fixes will give you the opportunity to think about other ways to handle the detachment, so the kids don't pick up the vibe.  

Please seek some help before the detachment turns to resentment (yes, resentment can fester no matter how important your kids are to you & how much you love them).

Answer 3

could you have post pardum?

Answer 4

Social playing is only in part your job. My parents didn't play with me--I had friends to play with.

Parents are not to be a friend--but parent: cook, clean, provide housing, clothing, and emotional love and encouragement.

People whose parents were their friends when they were young are a lot more screwed up than those whose parents acted like a parent and not a popularity contest.

Buy a dog, or kitten--take them to the pool--give them lessons--ballet-skiing-swimming? enroll the 6 yr old in art classes--or soccer?

Join other mothers with small babies for tea or lunches--bring the toddlers-and let the little ones play with each other--while you get some adult time with adult women.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

This is an easy problem to solve--good luck and keep your head up!!

Answer 5

I have moments like that. I've been so sickly lately, I feel horrid that I am missing out on a little part of their lives.

For us, our family revolves around the kitchen. We spend 90% of our indoor time, in the kitchen. You could get a kids cooking book and make cakes, and meal with your 6yo. I also have a 5 month old (well 2 really) and I sit them on the bench in their rockers with a saucepan and spoon, and they love pretending to cook too.

You could also try crafts. Our elder boys enjoy making macaroni pictures.

What about instead of reading you act out the book, with puppets or just yourself??

The majority of my stories for my kids come from my head, because lets be honest my kids would rather eat the books. I use all different voices and make actions, they love it.

They enjoy me acting like an idiot telling stories, than me sitting there reading to them.

-- Also with the puppets maybe Mr 6yo can help make sock puppets? If you have some old socks and fabric scraps, buttons, glue, and cotton, it's really entertaining. And also he would be learning to sew at the same time.

I think it's about finding ground to stand on together. Once you find that, it will become easier.

--Also on another note. Are you ok? Is this a new thing your experiencing or an old wound reopened? I know it's hard raising kids, I have 5 boys. I know from experience after having a new baby my mental health suffered greatly. :)

Answer 6

To be perfectly honest, you've mentioned here that you've never been "Much of a playmate" and this is one of the most essential ways of spending time, learning with your child and sharing their memories with you.

Why not take them out somewhere? Like the park or do something like teach your eldest how to ride a bike. It's something you can spend time together doing with a goal and it will give him a skill he can use for the rest of his life!

Good luck.

Answer 7

Why don't you start horse riding or some other sport together with the oldest. It's great fun and you'll have loads of memories together.

Answer 8

For the 5 month old, lots of cuddles, funny faces, floor time, singing, talking, and yes, reading is great for babies.

For the 6 year old, find some common interests.  There must be something that you and he have in common, use that to spend some quality time together, even if it's just an activity a week and use it as a bouncing board for other conversations and activities.

Also let you oldest son help with the baby.  Together, the two of you can spend bonding time with baby, and that will bring you closer together with both boys.

Don't feel so pressured.  Play is supposed to be fun!  Plan each day to set aside just half an hour for each of your sons.  Plan an activity that they will enjoy and you'll feel comfortable doing.  Then let the children lead you, kids are naturally playful and will show you how it's done.  Relax and enjoy your boys!

Answer 9

1. Spend time with them as much as you can

2. Be one of them- ditch the patronizes, "us" instead " you"

3. Nurture them to think " Mummy loves me and I love mummy too"

   e.g. "Mummy will let you do ....because mummy love you and wants   you to be happy" and when they misbehave, ask them " that makes mummy upsets, but you love mummy too don't you?"( A little guilt trip)

4. Let them make their own decision, followed by informative consequences analysis. e.g. When they refuse to share toys with others, tell them:

1)If you share urs with them, they will share theirs with you when you go to theirs

2) If you don't share with them, they may not share theirs with you next time, and you'll have no toys to play.

3. Take them out with their friends

4. Ask them about their days and share yours with them too. (be selective and try to add in education value)

5. if you feel like to be creative, tell them stories in vivid way e.g. exaggerated expression, voices, movements or involve them into the stories (treat them like the characters in the story)

hope it helps

All we need is patience

    

Answer 10

It does't make you a bad mother or a bad person. Actually, I don't like playing with my kids too, and I think it's OK. They are kids and like to play, yes, but I am NOT a kid, I am NOT their playmate, I am in a different age group with different interests and there IS a distance between us, and it will always be there, and it's normal. They have their friends and playdates, and other kids are much better suited to be their playmates than me.

On the other hand, I have interests of my own, and I like it very much when my kids learn some of my hobbies and keep company to me. I teach them to play tennis with me, swim with me, play cards with me (I'm a good bridge player), play chess and checkers, read books that are interesting to me etc etc.

And I think it's a good strategy overall. I don't want to play myself down. I want my kids to play up and learn something.

So don't worry, you love your kids and that's what important. Nobody said you have to be their playmate. Actulally, it's the opposite: you have to be their parent first.

Answer 11

You should play with them, thats what kids at that age want to do.

Answer 12

i can fully sympathise with you hun, i can go through the care motions with my kids etc, but when i comes to interacting with them playwise, i was at a total loss, so, i decided to join various play groups, and even voluntered sunday school, which my kids thourogly enjoyed, and they got to make friends, i got to make friends now we all meet at each others houses and chat while the kids play together.  

Answer 13

Learn who your kids are. Try scrapbooking (do this on your own not with them) and make them the topic, try including things like their art work , what their fav colour, sport, song is etc... Try to identify as many things as you can about them, you might find that their are some common interests which would allow you to then create activities you can do together. Also when you are finished the scrap book it down and share it with them esp your older son he may be interested cos its about him!!! and thn make another one together about his brother or an activity you did together. Singing in the car to the local radio station can be a fun time together especially when you discover songs that you both like.

Your feeling of detatchment could be a sign of depression have a chat with some-one you trust and explore your feelings honestly so this can then be sorted out.

Give them lots of cuddles skin to skin contact (clothed of course) could be the simplest way of feeling close. I'm really close to my daughter so I cant offer any personal experience but I hope these ideas help.