I really need some outside advice?

Question

My family and I are going on vacation next week. My daughter, who is in 1st grade, keeps getting in trouble at school. They have a card system where she has to pull cards for certain things. Some day she pulls 3 at a time. When we planned vacation, my husband told her if she pulled more than 5 cards she could not go on vacation. Of couse she has pulled more than 5. I disagree with his logic. I don't think keeping her from going on a family vacation is a good idea for punishment. He says that if we let her go, it will be rewarding her from bad behavior. I think we should keep her from going on other activities, such as to the movies or bowling or stuff like that. Please help, I am heartbroken over this issue!

Answer 1

Hi, oh you poor thing, I do sympathise with you. But your husband is correct. If you tell children a certain form of punishment will be inflicted if they do a specific thing, then if they do that thing, the threatened punishment should be carried out, or it will seem to the child that they do not have to take any notice of you when you say it next time...as they know they can get away with it. Mommy/Daddy is only saying that, they wont do it!!

So the child should receive the punishment if they go against the parents warning.....and do the deed.

But, in view of the fact that you are talking of a family vacation, I cannot see how you can leave your young daughter out of it. Maybe you can discuss this with your husband, and maybe you can both agree on an alternative punishment that enables you all to go on vacation together. Your daughter probably needs quality time with you both anyway. If you both decide on an alternative punishment...for example like you said restrain her from activities she likes to do..you should both sit down with her, and explain that because you are going on vacation and it would spoil your holiday if you had to leave her behind, you have decided on an alternative punishment. Tell her what it is, and that she will not be allowed to take part in that activity. Make sure she understands that it is a punishment inflicted because of what she did, and make sure that the activity is something she really really wanted to do.

Good luck to you and I hope you enjoy your holiday.  :)

Answer 2

I agree that you need to stick to your words in the future, but at this particular instance keeping her home on a family vacation would be pretty harsh. Sit her down and dole out an alternative, tell her that if someone had to stay home with her it would wreck everybody's trip and that would be unfair to the rest of the family.

My baby brother (who is now 27!) was constantly in trouble at that age in school. It was always minor stuff, like talking, getting up, tossing things and I even recall an instance where he ate glue. Normal stuff. But he was very advanced for his age, turns out he was just bored in class. What do 7 year old do when they are bored? They fidget, talk, squirm..... You daughter may just lack the challenge in her classes. Ask the teacher. I also agree that if it were SERIOUS you would be on principles bench with her hearing of her misdeeds in person, not counting cards.

Answer 3

Well you have to back up your husband because he already told her that. However I agree with you, family vacation is family time. Still rules are rules, she broke them, and her dad mad the rule. Try to convince him to use more traditional methods like spanking in the future, and not limit one member of the family during family time. Maybe he can sub the punishment he laid down, with a spanking this time. However don't get used to changing punishments, it's not good for her discipline. Besides I hardly think she'll be glad she's getting a spanking instead (just make it one to remember - such as about 10-12 firm spanks on the bare skin of her bottom). Trust me, she'll start behaving after a few of those.

Answer 4

i dont really know what you are saying.. but i am a single parent.. long ago i took my daughter with me to nassaw in the winter.. it did a lot of good.. my daughter never forgot it.. she knew i loved her from that experience .. so try the other way take her on vacation forgot about the things that are bothering you now.. and just have a nice time.. and all her life she will remember. and some of the things that bother you she will remember and try not to do it.. but she will never be perfect  ok gilermol..

Answer 5

While it was probably a bad choice to make missing the vacation her punishment, it might be a worse choice to back down from it.  I have found that it is really important to stick with what you say, even when it's difficult.  What this really does is teaches parents not to say things we don't mean.  If he backs down, she will continue to dismiss him.  Now, my question is what will you do with her while on vacation?  Is  he going to stay with her while everyone else goes?

Answer 6

I agree that you can't back down on the punishment that was established, but the punishments need to be realistic.  

You and your husband should have discussed the punishment and come to an agreement before talking to her about it.  Taking away other activities like the movies or bowling would probably be better.  Those things happen more often than family vacations.

Answer 7

That seems an extreme punishment for a minor issue.  If she is getting cards pulled, it is for minor things, otherwise you would be talking to the principal, she would be getting suspended, etc.  She definitely needs consequences, but not that extreme.  What would the punishment be if she did something really bad?  How far could his punishments reasonably go?  Some parents apply the same punishment to every crime, which doesn't make sense.

You should look at what she is doing in class that is getting her  in trouble.  Talking?  Getting out of her seat? She might not be able to help it.  She is only 6!  I think we expect little kids to sit for long periods without understanding that they NEED to move.  Talk to the teacher and see how you can work together within the parameters of her personality and age and see if you all can come up with some way to help her.  If she doesn't outgrow these behaviors and you have tried different parenting techniques, you may want to get her evaluated for ADD.

Answer 8

your daughter is acting up and you need to find out why.  Are you and your husband consistent with your discapline or do you sometimes let her cry, whine, carry on, and get her way.  The BEST way to discapline is to be consistant in what you do.  I think that denying a vacation for acting up in school might be a little harsh if the trouble she's causing is small.  Of course, if there is a huge classroom disruption, that's different.  Your idea of taking away privaleges such as fun activies is right on!  Be consistant with that and don't faulter!  I would also suggest putting up a calendar on your fridge or some place she can see and put a gold star on days where she doesn't get any cards.  Set a goal, maybe when she gets 5 days in a row with no bad cards you get to do something fun.  She can visually see her progress on the calendar.  Slowly start increasing the number of days that she needs to go before she can do something fun.  That was she is EARNING her fun time, so she views it as something positive.  When she gets a card at school, put a check mark or something she can see that she doesn't get a star.  Maybe have a list of fun things she can choose from so she gets really excited that she not only gets to do something fun, but get's to choose it too!  That will get her very excited!  She'll WANT to be a good girl.  Just be aware that she may neglect to tell you of her bad cards, so periodically check with the teacher unless the school has a set notification system.

You both are on the right track and I really praise you for your efforts.  It seems like there are too many parents that let their kids push them around.  You both truly want to help your child act like a good little girl.  Just be consistant and good luck.  You both seem like very caring parents!

Answer 9

since shes getting in trouble at school talk to the teacher ask her what its about oh and just ground her forom one day of the vacation

Answer 10

Swap punishments this one time only, as family vacations are important, and as the kids grow, they become less and less frequent. Instead, smack that naughty bottom till it's cherry red and she needs a soft pillow to able to sit down. She is out of control and will only get worse if you don't curtail it now.