If Genetic Connection is not Important?

Question

as so many here claim, then why do so many people have IVF treatments before resorting to adoption?

Answer 1

I have been on both sides of this debate, and here are my thoughts:

I did go through IVF (ICSI, actually) 3 separate times.  It was not that I wasn't interested in adoption but at the time it was too expensive and our infertility treatments (surprisingly) were covered by the insurance.

My desire to give birth to a child was "selfish" - not in a mean way - but in the sense that "I" wanted to experience pregnancy and "I" wanted my husband & I to have a bio-child.  I was worried that my husband may not accept the idea of adoption, but it was actually his idea after the 3rd failed treatment.  It was then when we realized that it wasn't about "becoming pregnant" but rather "becoming a family".  

We finally were blessed to be able to afford adoption and we have a wonderful son, whom I would not trade for anything.  He has made me realize that being a mom was more important to me than becoming pregnant.  I just didn't know it at the time we went through the infertility treatments.  

The greatest joy I have ever had is when my son looks at me and says "You're the best mommy in the whole wide world".  There is no amount of pregnancy hormones that could beat that "high"!

Answer 2

i think that most people out there that are willing to try to exhausted lengths to have their own biological children. i'm an adult adoptee and i have my own biological children. i would still choose to have my own children first. if i couldn't i would adopt.

Answer 3

Yes.  It matters.

I love how the APs say DNA doesn't matter.  I guess in the self-centered world most of them live in their opinion is the only one that counts.

It matters to your kids. And always will.

Answer 4

excellent question!

i've often wondered if many aparents default to adoption, as the "last resort" of parenthood.  sort of like taking your second choice of college when not acception to your first choice.

note: this is not an attempt to marginalize adoptees nor aparents. this is just something, like the poster, that i've noticed as well.

Answer 5

I think it absolutely is both ways. Genetics are incredibly important and meaningful and at the root of a lot of everything -- the way we act, who we are, certainly the way we look. However, genetics have nothing to do with family ties and love. I think the desire to reproduce is probably the strongest desire we have -- whether we know it or not. The desire to parent -- to be a parent, to create a family, to have a child to love -- is not exactly the same as the desire to reproduce. The desire to resproduce is an animal thing -- call it instinct or whatever but, we as living creatures can not escape that desire. However, because we are human and not dogs or birds or fish we also have a desire to create a family and raise a child. Anyway -- I think we all have a need and a right to understand our own genetic roots and our past. Especially with science in this field progrssing at such an extroadinarily rapid pace -- we will some day soon be all able to understand so much of our own genetic make up. It will be taken for granted what our genes mean and how they influence and matter to us. However, none of that has anything to do with loving a child and wanting a family and being able to creat a home.

Answer 6

It is more important to some than to others.  When my husband and I learned we were infertile as a couple I immediately ruled out IVF as a waste of resources.  We did not feel that having a biological connection was the most important thing.  We felt that, having limited resources in the first place, they would be better directed toward providing a home for an existing child in need than toward possibly producing a genetically compatible offspring, with no guarantee of success.  Please consider, though, that many women feel it is really important to go through the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to a child.  They feel that this will be an essential part of the bonding experience.  I know this because I did have to go through a process to let that whole thing go.  I wonder if for many, this has more to do with it than the genetic relationship.

Answer 7

I plan on adopting and I haven't even tried to get pregnant and as far as I know I can.  My sister didn't have her son until she was 30 and she said that she didn't feel like a woman before.  Me on the other hand, I am not a fan of pain and I hate my monthly I couldn't imagine labor pains.  And I feel as long as you can love the child it shouldn't matter.  Besides there are only a certain number of blood types anyway so we are all connected!

Answer 8

I think it comes down to a personal choice.  Being adopted and having my own biological children I can tell you that there is a definite difference in the kinds of experiences you have.  Feeling a child growing inside of you and feeling that instant connection is what drives most women to wanting to try everything they can to have their own children before even considering adoption.  (It's a natural material instinct that is genetically programmed into women.)   Adoption also brings about some stigmas which doesn't come with having biological children.  This includes having strangers delve into your personal lives and background passing judgment on whether your fit to adopt.  Cost is certainly a factor.  If you want an infant you have pay a lot to sit on a long waiting list and hope that you get picked or dealing with more red tape and cost if you go overseas to adopt.  There's just a lot of hoops to jump through with other people in control of the situation.  

When it comes to the children however a genetic connection isn't important, it's just the process of how one is added to their family that is.  No matter where your child comes from you love them just the same.  And I believe most adoptive parents feel even stronger ties to a child when they've exhausted all their other options. It is also a natural genetic trait for humans to want to procreate an offspring that looks like them so if they choose to adopt a child outside their heritage they have to emotionally and mentally prepare themselves for that.  When all is said in done genetics have nothing to do  the type of parent you'll be or how much love you give to your child.  That too is an inherited instinct.

Answer 9

I personally chose not to go through IVF or rigorous fertility treatments.  If I could have biological children without the horrors of all the fertility stuff, I probably would have.  But, being a mother, not achieving pregnancy, was what was important to me, so we adopted.  There is a societal expectation that people have biological children and feelings of pressure to conform to that expectation that play into it, so many people do try to have biological children before persuing adoption, but that doesn't mean that adoptive parents view their children as second rate at all.

edited to add:  I would NEVER say a biological connection doesn't matter.  I fully expect my daughter to feel a biological connection to her biological parents.  I fully intend to encourage that connection if there is an opportunity, knowing that it is not a threat to the connection my daughter and I share.  That being said, I don't think a biological connection automatically means that a child is best off with their biological parents.

Answer 10

Many people are fearful of adopting a child and later having that child reclaimed by the biological parents. Producing the child yourself reduces that possibility. Also, many women want to go through the experience of pregnancy and giving birth.  

My experience is that by the time the child is a toddler, you feel the same about the child either way.... adopted or biological.

Answer 11

I believe a couple will try first to have a child of their own. Like my parents and when they can't, then they look for other ways to have childern. I do believe that there are sincere people out there that want to provide a loving home to a child.

Answer 12

I think the genetic connection IS important, but not so important that adoption can't be successful.  

Also, my mother didn't go through IVF treatments, or any fertility treatments, and they were available, although not as refined as they are today.  She said since it didn't just happen naturally, adoption seemed like the next step to her.  That might be because of her Catholic background, I dunno.

Anyways, she never downplayed the fact I wasn't genetically related to her.  She was always very clear that although I was her "real" child, I still had connections to another mom and dad and thats where I got my looks and some of my personality from.

Answer 13

No one says "genetic connection is not important".  I hate these absolute statements that are meant just to p**s people off.

What those of us who feel adoption is a good thing feel is this... birth mother/father does not (always) equal good parent.

Answer 14

I know many people look at adoption as a last resort, however, some people (like myself) are adopting before even attempting to have a biological child.  Though, of course, we are not adopting a newborn domestically, but rather a toddler internationally, where there is still a need for adoption.

Answer 15

you can see that its perfectly normal to try and try again and if you can't then adopt. nope i really dn't see the connection you are trying to put once you have the child adoption and there is bond between you two there is no problem about blood or whatever. i mean its the bond you will get and that is what makes the world go round. take care.

Answer 16

To some people it matters and is important. However to others (like me) it does not matter.

There are couples who choose to adopt with out even trying for biological children first. Actor Kirk Cameron and his wife Chelsea adopted 4 children before they went on to have 2 biological children. It wasn’t about fertility  issues for them, they honestly wanted to adopt and they wanted to adopt before they tried to have biological children. So that their adopted kids would know that they wanted them. They wouldn’t have to deal with issues that perhaps someone who is adopted deals with  being their adopted parent’s last resort to get a child after unsuccessfully TTC Natural, and then unsuccessfully fertility treatments.

There are even couples who decide that their just going to adopted children this people typical don’t want to add to the already overpopulate world and choose to adopt children that need a home and loving parents.

Then there are couples who spend thousands and thousands of dollars on fertile treatments , for years, sometimes even taking an extreme toll on their financial situations all because having their “own” child is so important to them.

In the end it comes down to the person/. Not all children care about dna and genetics. Not all people/ couples feel the need to do whatever is possible to have a genetic baby. Some just want to be mommy and daddy more then anything, to parent a child and to love that child and raise him or her.

Answer 17

Because a lot of women feel that if they cannot have their own child that they are a failure. There is nothing wrong with someone doing IVF if they can afford it.

Answer 18

Genetic connection accounts for much of the bond between the parent and a child.  Studies show that it impacts parenting as well:  according to Princeton researchers, a biological mother spends more on food for her child than does either an adoptive or step-parent.  

However, nurture is just as important as a genetic link.  

Most importantly, though, when children reach maturity,  neither is enough:   it makes for a more satisfying relationship with a parent to connect based on shared values and mutual respect.  

Genetic connection is obviously not sufficient neither it is absolutely necessary.  But it makes a difference whether it is there or not.  Each person has to be honest with him\herself  re: how it impacts one's life.

Answer 19

Ahh adoption does come out as the third best doesn't it? First we try to conceive on our own, then we try to conceive with the help of drugs and medical procedures and THEN we adopt...

Stunning question!

My take is that almost everyone has a desire to procreate. It is the sole reason for being here. Is it not? All animals, humans included, will mate or attempt to. This mating, outside of humans, is rarely for pleasure. It is for procreation, for continuing an animals own DNA into the gene pool and to carry on the species. Now it has been seen in the animal kingdom that nursing mothers will take on, or adopt, another mother's offspring when the natural mother dies. That too is done to preserve the pack and/or species as most pack members will share DNA. It has also been shown that animal mothers will steal babies when their own offspring dies. So I guess it is natural for humans to attempt the same when they are feeling a loss over infertility.

Let the Andraya bashing begin. That's right I said steal babies. I just can't be bothered to find a PC alternative when it comes to animals.

Answer 20

Really and truly, we tried to take the "easy" way out.

IVF seemed easier than adoption. No social workers, no questions. Insurance paid for it. Our doctor was (unrealistically) optimistic. Why not? Infertility treatments are a very slippery slope. Once you get on, it's very hard to get off.

I do worry about how this will look to our (adopted) children. On paper it will look like we were desperate to have a baby that was biologically ours. In truth, we wanted to be parents. We took what appeared to be the path of least resistance.

To me, I don't think a biological connection would have changed how much we love our children. I can respect that some people (maybe even my children) feel the need for a biological connection though...