Impossible child?

Question

First off I am so sorry this question is so long. Anyway my brother age 12 is becoming to get impossible these days! Anything my father tells him to do, like pick up his mess, take his clothes up stairs, even bathing is a struggle and we have to keep on at him for hours before he even moves his butt. He's an active kid, likes to play outside etc (only peace is when he's out) but when he's in the house he's so cheeky to everyone, including my father who provides him with all the essentials and much more. I'd not say he's very spoilt but he has phones, PS 2 and PS 3's pocket money each week which he just spends on kak. He does no help around the house at all. My youngest brother is only 10 and no problem at all, he to has these things but does not have the attitude as my other brother. My father is very soft and they just take advantage of that. In Zimbabwe it was never like this with myself nor my older brother and sister (who have left home now).

Answer 1

He is 12 and has a phone and a PS3? It's not suprising!

You've spoiled your child.

Give him an allowence IF he does jobs around the house. That way he'll learn discipline and how to be treated fairly.

Answer 2

Im not suprised your dad doesnt want to smack him.

At immigration I made a joke with an official on duty and said "so is it true I cant hit my child in your country?" and the guy had such a hissy fit, telling me off. Basically you go to jail for hitting your kids. Its not worth it.

Since its your brother you really have no say in the matter, your dad is probably overworked and too tired to do anything about it.

I would bribe him, tell him you will pay him a pound to bath, or carry washing upstairs. I bet he will start doing it quickly.

Answer 3

There is a lot of truth in the saying that there are no bad children only bad parents. It would seem that the break up of your parents has had a traumatic affect on your brother at a very vunerable time in his life you need to seek some professional advice for him before it is to late. As for the washing thing don't worry about that, it's a boy thing he's just doing a Kevin a stage that a lot of boys go through as young teenagers.

Answer 4

I think you´ve placed your question in the wrong category. Try posting it in the Parenting category or the Society and Culture category.

You will find that in most of these situations the problem lies with the parents - not the child. Parents splurge on their children to ease the guilt of spending less time with them - this leads to children who think the world revolves around them. They become arrogant, inconsiderate and spoilt and I say "become" because no child is born  arrogant, inconsiderate and spoilt.

Phones, PS 2 and PS 3's and pocket money each week does not create a spoilt brat. It is caused by bad parenting.

All the best!!

Answer 5

Skyli I am also "so sorry your question was so long". Tooooooooo long-winded -  If you had just summarised the problem you might have attracted better contributions as answers.

Answer 6

Parenting and child rearing is not rocket science.

One uses the same techniques with training animals.  Reward good behaviour and ignore the behaviour you don't want him to exhibit.

The whole family need to apply this to your rogue brother or any rogue child or animal. The moment he does something you like praise and encourage him. When he's a little h**l he doesn't exist.

The problem is this child has been sent so many conflicting and confusing messages he feels insecure and doesn't know where his boundaries are. Parents and older siblings are to blame, not the child.

Watch the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, for dog training tips. The basics are the same for children.

Link :  http://www.cesarmillaninc.com/tips/basic...

Answer 7

ah man i know exactly what u mean! My brother turned 13 a couple of months ago but he's exactly the same as wat u described. He has phones ipods ps2 + 3 etc. Big tv u name it and hes got it pretty much. pocket money

my dad works alot sop hes never here to put disclipne in the family anymore and my mom is too soft i think. her and my bro ALWAYS fight about everything. which gets me in a mood as well. then wen my dad gets home no one speaking to eachother about. wen my dad is here though, he gets my bro to help around the house (after ALOT of shouting struggling and door slamming) I was never lke this and i remember how i always used to get a hiding as well. but my bro once picked up the phone and threatened my dad to phone childcare if he ever 'abused' his child again. drama queen

yeh but we've seen now just to get him out of the house as much as possible works and when he's here to just leave him alone. not ignore him but just leave him alone. apart from weekends he should work in the garden or omething for a ertain amount of hours.  my bro has luckily kinda started growing out of it now. but it'll probably be coming back quite soon though. Hope not but thats teenagers for u. lol

Answer 8

Shame Skyli...........how many brothers and sisters do you have? 12 to 13 I have read and have heard is called the tweenie stage, kids are impossible, just before they become a teenager. Where is your mother? Remember you as a sibling will always be biased. Why don't you have a family meeting and discuss this with your Dad, tell him you are not happy. Good Luck

Answer 9

All boy is like that when its starting itching it is just a faze but your farther had to ti ten the ranges and discipline him before age 16jr and remember he is spoiled so he had to take something back every time he step out of line and reward him with small things when he stay in line

Answer 10

He obviously needs a bit of fathering.  Your dad seems to be too soft, and has the wrong approach with trying to solve the problem.  Ignoring it will not make it go away. It will make it worse, because your brother gets the message that he can do what he likes, how he likes and when he likes, and he will still get his food, bed, toys AND allowance, no matter what.  

Your dad must admit that he is trying to make up for the absence of a mother and maybe for other things that I cannot say.  Any case, can your dad spend some more "quality time" with your brother?  Try to go out just the 2 of them together, and try to bond.  Your brother has to first develop some respect for your dad.  But, with your dad being so soft with him, he is not getting respect from your brother.  Your brother knows your dad is a pushover, and is using it to his advantage.  And in the meantime, he is turning into a despicable human being.

And your brother has to develop some respect for himself.  He can´t really be proud of being such a twatty brat, and if he gets treated differently (more as a person and dad´s friend) he might fell better about himself and act better.

So, for your impossible brother´s sake, your dad will have to tighten the reins a bit.  Show your brother how the rules of living together work, otherwise your rother is going to be on the road to nowhere, and very fast, it looks like.

Shouting is not going to help.  Try to give him some praise when he DOES actually do something. (In a subtle way that he does not realise it, just try and make him feel good about what he did).  A family is like a factory, and when one part of the factory does not work properly, then the factory does not function as it should.

So you and your dad have to work on that malfunctioning 12 year old part of the family.  Try and look past his (deliberate ?) laziness, and concentrate on his successes, even if they are few and far between.  (A little bit like training a dog. When the dog does something right, then he gets a t*t bit).  When he realises that he is accepted and acknowledged more when he is tolerable and pleasant and helpful, then he might steer himself in that direction.  But, when he constantly gets attention for being lazy, then he perhaps prefers that, because any attention is better than no attention.

With the bathing, if he does not bath for a few days, let him go around like that (if he has some friends, that is).  He is bound to make such a fool of himself when his friends realise how awful he is smelling, and will either avoid him, or tell him to get himself cleaned up.  If he does not have any friends, then this will not work. Then the problem of having no friends might be bothering him.

But, I think your dad must first start giving him some more attention. Surely there is some place that the 2 of them can go to do something that "men" do ? I have no idea what. Then you and your youngest brother could do something else instead.  And try and involve your brother in cooking some food, without moaning at him. Try to make it a fun activity.

Like Lise says, this teenie time is terrible. My daughter dragged this on till she was about 20, because she was so pee´d off with us because we had dragged her away from SA and all her friends into this cold and unfriendly Germany.  I wish you a lot of patience and hope you can get some positive results in "taming" your brother.

Answer 11

this is what happens with us when we (Africans) move abroad. we tend to work for long hours, just to make enough for when we go home. in so doing we "buy" our children with gifts. we are not there when they need us .

i am sorry for you, but it is the responsibility of your dad to take the helm.

Answer 12

I didn't even have to read the whole question to tell you that he is a spoiled brat. It will get worse the older he gets, he needs to learn what hard work and responsibilities are. You can say he isn't spoiled, but that is NOT normal for a 12 yr old to have all those things. Just wait til he gets to high school. Your father has only himself to blame.

**And everyone thinks Americans are spoiled??

Answer 13

Fortunately I am the youngest and has never had to experience that. In my experience I've noticed that parents tend to lighten up after the next child etc. . .

You have to speak to your dad in a calm tone and manner. Maybe this will surprise him as you mentioned you always shouting. Tell him its not fair to you and your other brother. Have him set up a rooster maybe. With turns of doing stuff (seeing that you already doing more than your share) and tell him if your brother doesnt follow it, neither will you or your other brother.

Also tell him he doesnt want to turn the youngest one int the 12 year old. . .

Answer 14

Days changed. economic sucess in a family or a country comes with its own buggage of social problems. back in the day kids used to respect thier elders but today try to tell one to do something for you. he will either refuse or bark at you.

thats why i like the Eastern culuture i.e jews blacks chinnes indians etc. we discipline our kids by beating so they learn that if i do something wrong i will be seved with slaps. the western style is different "talk to him" is the crappiest of all! the parents are spoiling there own kids futures. lets wait for the future white britian and USA and see what they will do to enhance their white previllage!