Is a "NICE guy" sexist?

Question

Had a thought the other day... I noticed from nice guy rants they seem to objectify women by putting them on a pedestal, than become woman haters when reality and fantasy conflict.. I am just wonder if anyone else thinks that it might be borderline misogyny?

Answer 1

Some "nice guys" put women on a pedestal and others don't. Likewise with "un-nice guys." Ultimately it's not the "type" of guy that is to blame, it is the belief in the pedestal.

You are astute to notice that there is this belief that women are "the fairer s*x." Not only men, but women, indeed society, place unrealistic expectations on women (and men). This can take the forum of the pedestal, but it can also be the "rock and the hard place" or "dammed if you do, dammed if you don't." We often see this in double standards, for example, women are supposed to get married and have a family otherwise they can be called "old maids" and pitied. When they do this however, they are looked down upon for being "lazy" housewives, for "not contributing to society."

Ironically my example shows how feminism has (in this case) been complicit in lowering the status of traditionally feminine life choices. Not to say that housewives have been exactly revered throughout history, that's inaccurate, but since the second wave of feminism traditionally feminine roles have actually decreased in social value instead of increased.  

My point is that you can't blame any one group or "kind" of people for misogyny. We all, male, female, feminist, andanti-feminist, we all harbor beliefs that devalue women (and men) in some way. Whether its believing in the "good girl/bad girl" dichotomy, believing that women are smarter or stupider than men, that women are more emotional or more calculating, etc, etc.

It's not so much about which way to slant it as it is that we have these rigid roles we wish to force people into. We get upset when others fail to follow our script and we judge them poor players as a result. We even go so far as to force ourselves into these scripted roles. We've been doing this for so long that we have no idea who wrote the script or why and we rarely ever stop to ask ourselves, "Is this fulfilling me?" Instead we blame our unhappiness on others, what they do or fail to do. In reality we are all responsible for our own happiness.

In sum, yes, many "nice guys" get hurt when their first girlfriend fails to be everything they always dreamed of. Likewise with women. Then we go about spreading the hate instead of healing ourselves. We think that the problem (and the answer) lies outside of ourselves. This is incorrect.

Ultimately we are all better off if we are able to accept the humanity of others, both the beautiful and the grotesque. Unfortunately (and fortunately) this requires us to accept our own humanity in the process. While the revelation that we too are human, subject to all the failings and frailties of being human, may be painful, ultimately it leads us to acceptance in which we may not find transcendence, but rather we find peace.

Answer 2

that depends....this isnt too specific... most cases probably not

Answer 3

there's nice guys out there?  LOL.  Just kidding.    

It's not borderline misogyny, it is misogyny.  But it's also sad, the only person who should be upset when someone doesn't live up to their expectations is the person who had the expectations.  If you don't expect you can never be disappointed.

ps. I've read some of your other answers Kris, very interesting.  Seem like you have a great personality.

Answer 4

The problem with "nice guys" is that they think women *owe* them s*x just because they don't act like complete bungholes. It's like expecting your neighbour to kneel down before you in gratitude because you don't fling p**p at their windows. And it's sexist, since it shows that they think of women as things to have s*x with and nothing else.

Answer 5

In my own case, I would see it as being overprotective and not misogynistic. There is no hatred involved, just concern for a smaller and weaker s*x, which sometimes comes out in a way that sounds hateful.

For example, I believe in equal rights except when it comes to combat. I think there should be strict requirements for women,which would include men, to be allowed to fight on the front lines.

The requirements would be that women (and men) score a 70 or higher on their fitness tests under the male test requirements.

Answer 6

I don't think it's misogynistic but I think it's ignorant to put anyone on a pedestal for their age, beauty, race, gender, etc.

You have to hold others to realistic expectations, not lower ones and not higher ones.

In situations where men or women are put on a pedestal, no one is to blame but the person who placed them their.

Also not all nice guys put women on a pedestal.

Answer 7

I think nowadays people have this idea that a woman will be the man's knight in shining armor.  A superwoman who has an MBA but also likes to cook and clean and take care of the kids while keeping a great figure and cheery disposition at all times.  Men who expect this from women aren't really nice at all.  And when reality hits that a woman can't be expected to save him and he'll have to get off his lazy butt and help then yes he shows his true misogynist colors.

Answer 8

You are referring to the "Madonna/w***e" complex?

Most guys probably have a bit of both, otherwise we wouldn't have a name for it.  And its an ego-defense mechanism called 'splitting', I think.  Yes, that sounds about right.  By definition, the use of ego-defense mechanisms is unconscious.

Answer 9

They like to kick pedestals out from under you.

Answer 10

That was a good thought.  It depends on one's exact definition of "nice guy", but nice guy can be another form of narcissism.  The more recognized form is the braggart or someone who displays obvious conceit.  But the hallmark of narcissism, at least in the psychology world, is an overpowering need to feel special.  This is usually due to their parent's failure to make them feel special when they were young.  And these deprived children grow to adulthood with this unresolved need.  The nice guy contrasts himself against the rest of the male race by being nicer than most guys.  In his mind he is more deserving of relationships than other guys because he treats women better, hence the sense of entitlement that is another hallmark of pathalogical narcissism.  This is the way he tries to satisfy his need to be special.

The objectifying of women usually comes from a desire to replace his mother with a more satisfying female figure.  He has not come to terms with all the anger and disappointment that characterizes his relationship with his mother.  To avoid dealing with these feelings, he searches for the goddess that will make up for all the things his mother was not.  The  obsession with perfect love serves as a vehicle to escape the painful reality of his negative self image and painful emotions.  He needs to believe there is someone or something in this world that will lift him out of s**t-hood and into feeling good about himself.  So he creates Goddesses in his mind who are capable of this feat.

If ever any of these women come too close to him the spell is broken, and he's reminded of all the negative emotions he has towards women and has to back away.