Is adoption indentured servitude?

Question

Or is it like an arranged marraige?

The adoptee has no power or choice in a relationship that is instigated by adoptive parents.

While there might not be a labor componant, there is a role to be played, that of the good adoptee.

And if the relationship is reciprical and familial why does the adoptee often get a major guilt trip for asking quesions about his family, history, and heritage?

If there is no 'sentence' and adoptees are always 'free', or at least free at 18 like non-adopted people, why the scorn for wanting to find parents who existed before the adoptive parents came into the adoptee's life?

When do adoptees pay off their debt to the APs?

Answer 1

I think it can be, I don't feel this way about my adoptive parents, but my adoptive parents were not against me finding my natural parents, in fact my adoptive mother took it on herself to instigate it.  She felt it was my right.  It is my right and I have a lot of respect for her for being willing to do that.

She also refers to my natural mother, as "your mother"  she doesn't call her "that woman who gave birth to you" or "your birthmother"  or anything that would demean either my natural mother or herself.

Of course she calls herself my mother too, as do I.

On the other hand I know another adoptee, who is my age, who as far as I know as never searched.  I am sure if he did he would be terrified to reveal it, so who knows.  His adoptive mom is quite loud about how "after the contract is signed, THAT'S IT!'  She makes quite a lot of noise about how she is the ONLY mother.

I always want to tell her that her adoptee never signed any "contract", that she is holding him emotionally hostage.  Which is not uncommon for adoptive parents, but not universal.  

I think adoption does have the potentional to be a sick kind of indentured servitude, but I don't think that applies to adoption situations where the adoptive parents respect their child's background an losses.

I think it really comes down to whether the adoptive parents respect the child for who the child is vs. needing a baby to fix their needs.

Answer 2

In my eyes, our children will have no debt to us, adopted or not.  They will be our children.  We will help them find their birth parents (if possible) and if we adopted domestically we would want the birth parents as part of their lives, why wouldn't we?  I don't understand the people who adopt and then try to erase the past with their children.  It is very important (if it is possible) for the child to know where he/she came from, because if not, he/she will grow up not feeling stable in any place.  I know some adoptive parents feel like their children shouldn't look for their birth parents, but I personally feel like it is only natural for them to look for their birth parents, and normal.  I wouldn't discourage it at all.

I hope I am making sense.  I understand where you are coming from, but...not ALL adoptive parents feel that way, and...the ones that do should reevaluate their reasons for adopting.  Again, adoption should be about the children, not the adoptive parents.

We don't plan on adopting an infant (domestically or internationally) so this is probably not aimed at us.  I just don't understand why adoptive parents would want to shut out such a major part of their children's lives by shutting out their birth parents.  I think an adoptive child should have access to their parents, unless of course, those parents are harmful (and I mean severely harmful, not just telling the child to call them "mom" or "dad") and, of course, if it is possible (obviously if they are abandoned or their birth parents are dead this would not be possible, but you can still make a huge effort to incorporate the child's birth culture into your lives...even a small effort will be helpful to the child).

Answer 3

It looks like alot of people are misunderstanding you.  I can see quite clearly what you are trying to ask

Who of us haven't heard comments like 'how could you do that to your adoptive parents, after all they've done for you' when we decide to search for our birthparents etc etc etc

I think our debt is only paid off once we become strong enough to say 'hey, I'm done with serving the needs of other people'

Answer 4

Ok, was your adoption really that bad, or are there some underlying issues here?  I would seek therapy.  Really.

Answer 5

It's hard to point to a contract- real or implied - that indebts an adoptee to his family.  Nevertheless, a good number of adoptees are prone to becoming compliant and acquiescing.  They may accommodate their parents beyond what natural kin would.  But maybe this is the result of an adoptee's ingrained fear of rejection, a problem of personality rather than of family environment.

Answer 6

hey, when i came here, no one asked me if i wanted to be in my family! if they had, i would have opted out, and they were my "real" family. i don't think this situation is specific to adoptees.

now, i do totally agree with your point about feeling "scorn" for wanting nothing more than to enlarge and know the other side of your family. if your parent's are making you feel bad for just wanting to find out where you come from, then that is sad. truly a travesty. i can see why you feel like you've been "sentenced". i can't imagine not knowing where i came from, even though i'm not thrilled with the way i was brought up, i do know my "roots". that's just a natural born instinct.

did you see "march of the penguins"? the very best movie i've ever seen, that i really expected NOTHING from. the bond and need to go back to where you came from, weather it's just a visit or forever, is an inborn basic instinct. to deny it, or in your case be denied of it, is utterly ridiculous.

i wish you the best. i hope you find what you is rightfully yours.

Answer 7

If this is your life then I am truly sorry for you and other adoptees who live with this pain. However as an adoptive parent I am offended by your question.

Not all adoptions are instigated by adoptive parents. Many bmoms find us. My daughter is just that, my daughter. No scorn, no debt.

Answer 8

You really are going too far with this question.  An indentures servant was an adult who sold themselves into a position of servitude for some gain to themselves.  Adoptees are not "servants".  They are no more likely to be treated as "servants" than any other child.  

Now, on very basic principal, I have real issues with you calling genetic donors "parents" who "existed" in the childs life before the adoptive parents.  In some cases, the genetic donors were parents - they did what they believed best for their child.  However, in other cases they were lazy, or abusive, or just plain too dumb to use birth control and didn't want to deal with the consequences.  This is espescially true for alot of children whose sperm donors abandoned them.  Can you really feel justified in calling a man like that a "father"?  If you can, well...  then we obviously have fundamentally different viewpoints of the world.  If you can't, then it's hard for me to call all "natural mothers" parents.  Some are...  but some aren't - espescially for kids adopted out of foster care.  

But besides that point, you really don't get the point that being a child is just "like that" sometimes.  If you think that adoptees are the only ones who get guilt over "asking questions about family or heritage" then think again.  My mother punnished me any time I would use the Polish word for mother - because she detested my Polish heritage.  

Also, as many people have pointed out, kids don't get to chose their parents PERIOD.  This isn't unique to adoptees!  If kids got to choose their parents, I'm pretty sure I'd have ended up with a different family.  I hardly think any adoptee could have felt like more of an oddball than I did.  You, at least, can feel like there is a reason for the way your relationship with your parents turned out - but what's the reason I have when my mother looks at me with detest because I'm not the daughter she wanted?  (and no, I don't need therapy for this.  I've worked out those issue - they're old and cold now, but I'm letting you see that they were there.)  

I was also the oldest of 6 children, and the only girl.  Hmmm...  indentured servitude?  Was I a "breed your own nanny" kit?  My mother also constantly commented on how much raising kids costed (asking for payback?).  Besides that..  many biological children also feel they have a monetary debt to their parents, and try to pay it back.

What it comes down to is this.  There are good parents, and bad parents, and all the spectrum in between.  I myself had decent parents - I was lucky!  I'm sorry you were not so lucky in yours, but...  you're an adult now.  It's time to let by gones by by gones.  You weren't a slave....

Answer 9

I'm sorry Sunny, I can't agree with you on this. I'm no indentured servant to my parents. I may not of had a choice to live with my parents per say, but my birth mother made sure i was in a home where i would be taken care of. So, maybe thru her I had a say. As for the role "good adoptee" I didn't know that was a role to play. I was no miss goody two-shoes, nor was i a rebel. I was and am a very strong willed person, stubborn to a degree. So we can say that I had a few hard knocks but nothing that i went to jail for but i got grounded! =) I never got a major guilt trip from my parents and maybe that is why I can't relate to your question. They were the ones that encouraged me to reach out to my birth mother. They have always been open to me about my adoption and willing to listen to me when I wanted to talk about it. Now, I would get the guilt trip from complete strangers or friends about me seeing my birth mother, but not from my parents. I feel in my situation there is no debt for me to pay off. There is no way I can repay these two loving people, who may be some sort of expection from reading certain adoption stories here on Y/A. I mean they never prevented me from meeting my birth mother, they always made sure growing up that she was my mother. My adoptive mom always had the upmost respect for my birth mother. So, how can I repay that? I do realize that some adoptions are bad and I'm sorry for that. I couldn't even imagine the hurt that goes on for being lied too, having a guilt trip laid on them for wanting to know their birth families. I probably going to get alot of thumb downs for disagreeing with you. But that is okay, because I like your answers. They have helped me see not to be so holy than thou when it comes to adoption. I have learnt that each adoption is different and I learnt that by reading the different answers here.

Peace,

Healing Adoptee

Answer 10

As an adoptee, I do not feel like I am paying off a debt to my parents, but I do not like the fact that they have my records and have left it up to me to ask for them.  My mother says "Your father and I have your records, so if you ever want to go searching for your birth mother,you can ask.  She says this with tears in her eyes, and anger in her voice and I know that she is only looking for me to reassure her that I would never do that to her, that she is my only mother and I am happy with the way that I was raised, etc.  Look at it from the adoptive parents point of view for a moment.  Would it hurt your feelings just a little bit after all the love, blood, sweat, and tears, your child came to you and said they wanted to seek out their natural mother?  Don't tell me that an adoptive mother wouldn't feel just a little bit insecure. My mother has always been insecure about the fact that we were adopted. I have been the black sheep of my family, the "outsider" if you will, but I was never unloved.  I do remember when I was a teen my mother and I had real communication problems.  She said she has never been able to get through to me, and I told her I wanted her to stop being my mother and start being more of a friend.  I was a teen and didn't understand the implications of my words and she came out with "If that's how you feel, go and find your real mother!" and then went into the house sobbing.  How do you ask for your birth records knowing how much it will hurt your mother?  

I know my heritage, know a few facts about my adoption, but nothing more.  The fact that I know my parents have these records up in a box in the attic somewhere drives me insane!  How much easier would my search be if and when I pull the trigger on it if I had these in my hands?  Why can't she just give them to me instead of dangling them in front of my face and putting ME in the awkward position of telling her I want them?  I would hope for all the adoptive parents reading this that you won't make it that difficult for your child, especially when that child is a grown woman in her thirties with children of her own.  

I don't feel like I owe my parents anything but respect, but that is based on their performance as parents, not on the fact that they "took in an unwanted baby" over thirty years ago.  It's a very touchy subject, but to look at in black and white terms is wrong in my opinion---it is ALL VERY GREY!

Answer 11

Not all adoptions are "instigated" by adoptive parents.  That is unfair to say.  There are many biological parents who "choose" to make an adoption plan for their child.  I know there have been stories about those who have been coerced, etc., and my heart goes out to them.  But there are others who have made that choice on their own - so should these children go parentless?  It is important to remember that everyone's story is different.  

I am offended and appalled that you would even equate adoption to indentured servitude.  Now children are "working" off their adoption fees?  What next...Adoptive Parents will be called Slave Masters?  UGH!

Answer 12

I agree with you.  I didn't feel like an "indentured" servant but I did feel that my feelings were cast aside and not heard.  I too have been told that I should be grateful for what I had, for being alive and so forth.  I don't how many times on my blog in real life and many other places that I have been told that my adoptive parents are ashamed of me.

Its these comments that indenture adoptees.

Answer 13

Children born to their parents have no choice in the relationship either.

I think some adoptive parents fear if their children find their birth parents that they might want them more. This is not usually the case. The people who adopt you are your parents for life.

Answer 14

My adoptive parents were also for the most part very open to me finding my first family.

I didn't and don't feel like an indentured servant but I often did feel like the oddball.

I am very different from my adoptive family, a fact that escapes no one.

Today, my adoptive mom says she wishes that she had spent less time trying to turn me into a mini-her because she now knows that is never going to happen.

So no.  No indentured servitude for me. Just being assigned the role of the "hippie" my entire life.  Funnily enough, my first parents actually WERE hippies so go figure!

I was a stranger in my own family.  Now that I think of it, maybe that's worse. ;)

Answer 15

As some people have stated here, it's true that most kids have no choice in who their parents will be.  Most consider themselves free from their parents at age 18.

One difference however, that perhaps Sunny was trying to point out, was that regardless of the age attained by adoptees, they are never really on the same level playing field with adoptive parents and biological children, as long as adoptive parents have the power to withhold certain things over the adoptee's heads & control them, such as information about the adoptee him/herself.



While there are many enlightened adoptive parents who would never make their children feel guilty for needing to know, the fact remains that some do, especially the ones from the baby scoop era.  The ones who would do that are motivated out of fear and misperceptions that it's a way to maintain what they feel is their ownership over the adoptee.

Children born biologically to their parents never need to wonder at any age about where they came from or who their parents are.  The relationship they have with their parents is more of an equal one.  Because adult adoptees, in most cases, are still denied legal access to their legal documents, they are stuck in a perpetual state of childhood.  In some cases an adoptee even needs their adoptive parent's permission to access records, even when the adoptee is an adult!  All adults should be treated equally, regardless of the circumstances of their birth.

I would respectfully suggest to adoptive parents that if they feel they need a sealed record to keep their adopted children "theirs," then to ask what kind of relationship is that really?  The way to know for sure is to set the adoptee free of all those restraints at adulthood, or before.  Be honest, be open.  If they are really yours, they will not abandon you, regardless of who gave birth to them.  In fact, being open and honest will bring adoptees closer to their adoptive parents.  Guilt and control will push them away, physically and mentally.  Have faith in your years of being a good parent that you do not need to deceive them or control them in order to get their love.  Make the relationship truly equal and it will be appreciated and respected.

Perhaps when all adoptees are equal in the eyes of the law, and adoptive parents no longer have the legal option of withholding information from adoptees forever, then the "debt" that Sunny was referring to will begin to disappear.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 16

Neither.  Adotion is not like indentured servitude because as you say there is no labor component.  In addition, adoptees do not and should not have to feel like they are working for their adoptive parents to pay off a debt.  Adoptees do not have a debt to pay to the adoptive parents.  And, the adoptive parents that I know do not make their children feel like they have to pay off a debt.

Neither is  adoption like an arranged marriage in which 2 families decide with whom their children will be "forever" bonded to.  With an arranged marriage the famlies, for the most part, know each other.  They have some type of relationship that will continue throughout the course of the arrangement.

I liken aoption to one of a parent-child relationship.  Just like a biological child, the adoptee, in most cases, do not get to pick their parent.  They have no choice in the decision on who is going to parent him or her.

True some adoptees are made to feel that they should be grateful to their adoptive parents.  But, are not some biological children made to feel the same way.

Generalizations can always be made but I think each experience is different.  I know I did not feel scorn from my parents when I commenced my search for my biological parents.  I was supported.

Answer 17

Dude, I soooo need coffee for this one. Awesome question!

Ok... smoke? Check! Coffee? Check! Working brain? Meh not so much but here goes...

I think arranged marriage is a bit lenient. I know that with the arranged marriages I have seen here in my area either party can back out if the arrangement is seriously not going to work out. Not sure how it goes in other parts of the world but my area is very multicultural and my neighbors are married out of an arrangement that was done when she was only a toddler. Adoption on the other hand is way different. The AP's can certainly back out any time they feel like it, just a call to the welfare office and back goes little Johnny (again I talk about where I am). I watched a foster daughter of my grandmother's go through 3 failed adoptions, all after they were finalized. Eventually she aged out of the system. Now when I was 13 I called child welfare and begged to be removed from my home, they said no. Actually the worker told me to be grateful that I was adopted and not a foster kid. Oh yeah I forgot how wonderful being woken up at 3 am by a drunk to clean the kitchen floors was. Silly ingrate I am.

I never got any guilt for asking about my n-family. I did have to choke down the "we went to the hospital and picked you out of all the babies" story, *gags*.

I also fail to understand the age of majority rule. My natural grandmother told me this year that they were asked if they would want me in a case of emergency such as my parent's death. They said they would want to be notified and yet they never were. When I was emancipated from my parents at 17 due to my allegations of abuse while I was pregnant should my natural family have been told? Under the circumstances I think yes, of course they weren't. I wonder if maybe my dad didn't want to loose the government orphans benefits every month. So I was free to live on my own and collect benefits for my son and myself even though there was another family who had been told they would be notified if such a thing ever happened! *cough* LIES *cough*

As for the debt, I stopped paying mine years ago. My dad and I are slowly getting closer these days. Mostly because I called out my entire family for a heap of old things earlier this year. I honestly don't think he was aware that I had been suffering in any way due to my adoption. He listens when I talk about it now and even agrees with my stand on adoption reform. So I say my debt is payed, now I am really just a daughter. I am allowed my own opinions and emotions in ways that were denied me as a child.

Answer 18

Family dynamics vary greatly between different families, in both bio and adopted.  You could just as easily find a bio child who feels like an indentured servant to their bio parents, just as you could find an adoptee who does to their adoptive parents.  It's just that the reasons will most likely be different.

NO child has a choice who they are born to, or who they will be raised by, bio or adopted.  And it's not only adoptive parents who are capable of making a child feel as though they owe something to the parents for bringing them into this world, or for taking care of them while growing up. I am sure there are many children who are abused and living with their biological parents, who would've also loved a chance to choose who they live with.

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Let me add that I understand what the original poster was asking.  But, it still happens with bio families.  I have witnessed children raised with their bio families feel guilty for growing up and wanting to have their own family to focus on.  I have witnessed adult children feeling guilty for moving away to better their chances in their careers, or marry someone they love.  I have witnessed adult children feel guilty for wanting to spend the holidays with MORE than one family.  I have witnessed adult children feel guilty because they couldn't be there for a birthday party, due to other obligations...or simply, because they just didn't want to be.  All this is from bio families with parents who feel they own their children and how DARE they now act like the adults they have become, who have more things to consider other than what their parents want. How DARE they want to celebrate the holidays with 2 families, as in their spouses family, or extended families due to divorce, or the selfish adult child who wants to have Christmas morning with their own children in their own home??  After all, they gave them life and shelter for years.  Therefore, their kids OWE them whatever they ask for.  It happens in all types of families, just for different reasons.

Answer 19

My son doesn't have to feel scorn for wanting to know his natural mother because she will always be in his life. As for him being in debt to me, he owes me nothing. I see myself as being indentured to him. I am so blessed to have him in my life and would die for him. I don't know to many "masters" who would die for their "indentured servant".

Answer 20

Wow. Someone is trying to stir the pot again!

What child, adopted or otherwise, has a choice as to his parentage? I believe that most children want to please their parents. This is not exclusive to children who have been adopted.

You *assume* that every adoptive family dumps guilt trips and scorns searches for birth families. Please stop generalizing. It's unfair to those of us who don't do these things. Do you think that parents never dump guilt trips on their biological children? Come on.

As for adopted children owing a 'debt' to their parents: just stop. Sunny, you are being ridiculous. I don't know what bug bit you today, but it was a nasty one! My son owes me nothing. I owe him the best life I can possibly provide for him (and NO, that doesn't mean a pony and a swimming pool...I've read some of your other questions and responses), but he doesn't owe me a thing.

Answer 21

The natural parents hand over the responsibility of raising their child to 18. Either way you would have a parent/guardian raising you and, if you are lucky, doing their best to get everything right.

There are no guarantees in life.

You could have been raised by your natural family and they could be alcoholics or addicts or just plain negligent.

Children often don't appreciate how good their life is and feel badly done by but usually this is not the case. They are just being ungrateful and immature.

This is something all parents endure as their teenage children grow up and start to pull away from them.

Adopted children should have the right to information about their natural parents but they wouldn't normally need to know before they turn 18. They should always know that they are adopted, however. The adoptive parents are just scared when you look for your birth parents. Though it usually turns out you have nothing in common with them as you were raised with different beliefs and interests. Just as I have nothing in common with, say, my neighbours.

Adopted kids can have some problems around this time and it's a good time to get some counselling.

Answer 22

the day they figure out they owe them nothing like i did and walk away from the bs...i havent had a normal relationship or conversation with my adopted parents in almost 10 years and when iwalked away i walked away from everyone that was in that adopted family..which was everyone i grew up thinking i belonged too..you never truly belong you are always that outsider..and to be honest i was nothing more than free help..i learned to cook at the age of 12 and did all the housework...and got slapped around by either of them at any time...adoption sucks

Answer 23

I'm so sorry for you if that was your life story, I truly am.

But tell all of that to my fostered children, who had no choice in the parents and life they were BORN to.