Is my mom in denial?

Question

My mom is 52. Diagnosed three years ago with stage 4 brest cancer with mets to her bones(shattered her spine), liver, adrenal glands. Two years later her brain. Throughout it all she has stayed so positive and everyone that meets her says she's remarkable and an inspiration. her doc. said that she has been "guessing" all along because my mom's condition is the worst she's ever seen. Her doc. is an oncologist of over 30 years. They only expected her to be around a few months and it's been a little over three years.

Now, after all the chemo, radiation,surgeries,etc. nothing is working. Her doc. suggested Hospice and that's what we did. Well, now my mom isn't sure about it. She says she wants her doctor, she wants treatments, etc. Is she in denial or just sstaying positive?

Like I said, from day one doctors and everyone for that matter has been surprised at how well she's done and how positive she's been through the whole thing. So, part of me thinks that she is going to continue to be remarkable and surprise everyone. (I'm hoping) I've accepted what will most likely happen and she says she has too.

I'm just confused...is she in denial? She has had titanium rods in her spine, arm, and leg. You would never know she were sick. (other then being bald and not being able to move around the greatest).

Answer 1

She's in denial and confused also. This is not unusual in Cancer patients. It's best to go along with her wishes and let her decide what she wants done. Given the clinical picture you have given us, her disease will make the decision for her when the time comes. Your best option is to continue to be supportive. Take care.

Answer 2

No she's not in denial. She's fighting this.  If she wants to fight, how can you second guess her? She's not confused. She's not tired nor ready to give up, unlike other people.

Let me give you the example of a guy who survived 2 rare cancer diagnosis: Sean Swarner. Everybody gave up on him but he (and God).  Here's wikipedia:  

"Sean Swarner was the recipient of the Don't Ever Give Up Award presented by the Jimmy V Foundation and ESPN in 2007. He is a two-time cancer survivor who was first diagnosed at age 13 with Hodgkin's Disease and later with Askin's sarcoma. He was given just two weeks to live in 1990 and is believed to be the only person in the world to ever have been diagnosed with both these deadly cancers. Sean told ESPN Radio's Bob Valvano, brother of Jimmy, that he would have been more likely to win the lottery four or five times than to have survived both these cancers."

This guy  wrote a book which I happened to read: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search...

Seriously, the easiest is to give up and give in to feeling tired and depressed and beaten. It takes energy to keep believing so it feels easier on us to just give up. But no survival story has happened through giving up. The hard part is fighting the impossible, which I believe it's done only though blind, sheer, burning faith.

May the Virgin Mary, Pantanassa, Queen-of-All, be with you and your mom though this!

For some reason, when I needed comfort, I found the following payer online -prayer to the Virgin Mary, Queen-of All, Healer of cancer. It's a powerful prayer. Both a patient and I have read it through chemo months and through dark times and read itl ike there was no doubt in Mary's mercy, undiserved by us:

http://www.angelfire.com/nv2/carthusian/...  Put your selves in Her mercyful hands and just have faith.

Take your mom to other doctors too..maybe to one of the best most advanced Cancer Centers -U ofAustin Texas, NY Soan Kettering...one of the really advanced cancer centers, not the local hospital.

Answer 3

Its a fine line between denial and hope, and it is ultimately your mom's decision when to stop seeking treatment.  It isn't very easy for someone who has battled cancer for several years to just quit and give up. There's no purpose in life at that point.  Even though the odds of a favorable outcome seem impossible, people sometimes beat the odds.    

One thing is for certain - your mom is not ready for Hospice even though you and everyone else thinks its time. If your mom wants to keep fighting, let her see another doctor that might have some new ideas.  Make the Hospice arrangements when your mom asks for it.  There's nothing wrong with going down fighting.  It may not prolong your mom's life, but it will probably make the last months of her life much happier.  

Answer 4

I AM SURE SHE'S NOT IN DENIAL....believe me. It's easier to keep on living if we don't think about it. I know this because my niece is battling through cancer at this very moment. She was cured 3 months ago but it came back. So she's currently undergoing chemo again. And she's given 6 months. The choices were, either you let her have a happy life for 6 months or you carry on with her treatment, let her suffer and have that 20% chance of survival....as her family, of course we'll grab whatever chance we can to save her.

My point here is, your mum knows what's happening. And I'm sure she appreciates every additional day that she is given to be in this world and to be with her family. The only reason that she is not showing her real depression is because she has done a really good job in hiding it from you and the rest of your family. Don't you think it would be harder for you to keep going on if she is constantly showing how painful it is for her to live. Don't you see what she is doing? She just doesn't want anybody to feel bad that she's sick. Even my 14 year old niece doesn't like to be reminded that she is sick...because it really does make them sicker if we keep on coming with a sad face everytime we sees them...:)

So just make her happy....bring good news, joke around alot...let her laugh and be happy. She already knows how sick she is....we don't need to remind her of it....so just try to do the things that she wants....that she likes.... Depression is the food to cancer...it only makes them worst. And there's no point looking back...so just stay focus, and everything will just fall into places....

Stay strong!! And the only way you can do that is to visualize her being healthy and happy....that's the only way we can go on and support them....

You'll be alright!!

Answer 5

No, your mother is not in denial . . but the fact is that everyone around her is giving up on her before she is ready. You are right about your mom when you remember that she outlived all expectations . . doctors do not know when someone is going to die . . all they know is statistics . .they base their opinions on what has happened to other people with the same disease. But the problem with that approach is that every single cancer patient is unique and there are constant exceptions. I would say to listen to your mother . . she is not ready for hospice and she may never be ready. She wants to keep fighting for her life . . and you should support that decision. I know more than several young people who were all told the same thing as your mother . . and all of them survived far longer than anyone expected. One fourteen year old girl was in hospice care three times over a four year period . . she said she just didn't feel like dying yet and would come off it.  Another young woman was sent home on hospice after her disease traveled to the brain . . she had four or five lesions . . she was just too full of life to give up and insisted on being treated with cyberknife .. which worked. Over and over again I have seen patients told that their disease is terminal and there is nothing left to do . . and yet these patients have found new treatments or doctors willing to treat them. All are fighters.

Your description of your mother sounds like she is a fighter. She needs a second or third opinion about her options. Sometimes a different doctor will have different ideas on what to do . . this isn't denial . . this is seeking out every available treatment option . . and who knows . . it just might work.

Support your mother in whatever decision she makes . . there are no right or wrong choices for her.  She sounds remarkable. Be very proud.

Answer 6

whenever people get to the point in their lives what their life could come to an end earlier than expected they tend to go through the 5 stages of.....grief (I think its grief) I dont know if you've heard of this

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

And its sounds to me like she's  in the first stage. So if all of the sudden she gets angry then depressed you'll know why.