Is this worth a divorce?

Question

So my husband has a CD in his bank account which he has been putting money into since before we were married. I also work and took my inheritance ($8,000) and put it towards us strating out as a family (we have no kids and we're 21) I simply asked him if I could put my name on his account and he said "no it's his money and he's been the only one contributing to it" When all this time I've been working and giving up MY inheritance just so he COULD put money into it. I just wanted to put my name on it so atleast I feel like he recognizes the hard work I've been putting in to the marriage. But he says that I haven't contributed anything to it. It's like this $3000 he has is worth more than our marriage to him. He also said he's not sure if he wants to get a divorce over it! He constantly tells me when we argue that alllll our belongings are his...when I have been working hard and going to school trying to better our marriage as well! I don't know what to do anymore :'( It's just the principle that he thinks I have contributed nothing to help him save....he even says that we'll use "his" CD when we build a house...but in the mean time it is "completely his"?! :'( Like he doesn't trust me and I have done no-thing to be deemed untrustworthy! I gave up my life back home to move with him because he's in the navy for Christ's sake! It's not even about the money to me...I could care less...it's just that I want him to realize that I have helped him and that I am a vital part of our income :'( I'm to young to be treated like money is more important than me, when I've worked my butt off for it to :'( I just want him to appreiate that, and he can keep the money for all I care:'( and I've told him all this before, but he just says that it's "his CD"

Answer 1

  I'm sorry, but your husband IS wrong.  From the moment the two of you became a married couple, possessions became "ours" rather than mine or yours.  Yes, YOU now own a jock strap, and your husband owns bras and panties.  As for IF you contributed to the funds used to buy the cd, IF money you worked to earn was used to pay other bills like rent or utilities, then that freed up money that your husband then could put into the cd.  So, you DID contribute.  It may just immaturity on his part, but IF he can't see that you are an equal partner, and refuses to admit that you are more important that money, then your relationship is doomed.  But, I'm NOT suggesting you give up on your marriage.  I expect that he DOES know you contribute, but prefers to play a silly power  game by claiming to be in charge of "his" cd.  

Answer 2

this guy is mentally abusive, he "says he doesn't know if he should divorce" just to play a head game with you...  =(...  

Yes, this is something to argue about, this is YOUR money too!!!  he thinks if you DO leave him HE will get all the money, that's not true, the courts will split it 50/50.  Keep notes of all this stuff, and keep copies of deposits YOU made into this account, too!  =)

As for the bunny, eventually, he is going to punch you.  People who commit cruelty to animals belong behind bars as well!

I really think you should leave this man, he's a loser...  it WILL get worse!  It's not just the money, it's his attitude and behaviours...!

is there any way to prove 8,000 was yours to begin with?  did you sign a check over to the bank or to him to open this account?  get a copy of that if you can...

Answer 3

Bottom line.... He's your husband so everything that is his is also yours.

Period.

Answer 4

read what you just wrote here and you will have your answer.

Answer 5

There is a lot more than just the money going on here. You are feeling like you are sacrificing more for the marriage than he is, that he doesn't appreciate your contributions. He sounds selfish to me. Don't assume he's going to get better as your marriage goes on--he probably won't. Arguments over money (which is actually a control issue) can eventually destroy a marriage.

The matter of hitting your pet is a separate issue, but important. A man who will abuse an animal will abuse a person. His lack of sympathy when you are distressed isn't a good sign either.

You might want to consider either marital and/or financial counseling or a consult with a lawyer about a divorce.  

Answer 6

Listen to me. Don't bring up the cd anymore. In the meantime,  start putting alttle money away whether it's $500 or $5- doesn't matter just do it. Open an account and it is not to be touched unless it's an emergency for you. Otherwise when the balance reaches $3000 put it in a cd under your name. You can then decide whether to continue to keep it quiet or to let him know that now you have your own cd.

I totally understand where you're coming from and have to agree with you. If he continues to be problematic in other areas, get into marriage counseling for therapy otherwise the future will look dim. Good luck to the both of you.

Answer 7

get your money back and start your own account, and only put your name on it.

I'd keep an eye out for his aggressions, this is a warning sign.

Answer 8

Your husband will be in for a shock when you tell him straight up that if he has continued to put marital income into this "CD", it is no longer classified as a strictly pre-marital asset but a marital asset.  The Courts might give him the money / interest he has earned on the value of the CD prior to the marriage and than "split" the remainder 50/50 but you can at times take a portion of it (especially if you argue that your $8,000 inheritance allowed him to continue to put more into the CD than he would normally be able to).

It is like retirement accounts in that fashion.  I mean if I was paying into a retirement account prior to getting married (had money coming out every month), than I got married (saying lasting 14+ years), the Courts would be eyeballing it.  Happens all the time (not sure why it wouldn't happen in the case of a CD)

Answer 9

Okay in a marriage money and how it is handled is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. In most states what ever you have saved prior to the marriage is your own. What ever amount he had put away for retirement will be his. Any amount you and him added after will be shared 50/50 if you chose to get a divorce. I am not sure why your husband feels his money is his money and no matter what you contribute is not enough or just to compare to his money. When he threatens to leave you that is a sure sign he has already left in spirit. I am not sure of your situation but instead of hiding money from him you should prepare yourself not to be dependent on him. You can not change him but you can offer him other choices. Maybe financial or relationship counseling. If he doesn't respond or makes light of it or even blame you. Then you will know it is over. You tried to compromise in a positive way but he is not having it. Don't be a victim, just be in control of your emotions and take care of your self.  

Answer 10

Your last response summed things up for me" I don't really understand why his CD is so important to him"

It is important to him because he has been the one putting money into it because, as you said, it has a purpose: Your new home.

Another question is why is it so important to you? I understand that you have given much to the marital property but so has he by his wages.

My suggestion to you is create your own savings account/ IRA/CD and just contribute to that and NOT put his name on it.

Answer 11

I have to say I agree with Doowopkid. start saving little by little and get together some money for yourself.

i am sure you are smart enough to realize that you are being bullied, the threat of divorce at every argument is a way of getting you to back down and agree to what he wants.

Hitting your bunny also shows a violent streak which if you are not careful, could escalate to yourself or others. I think arguing over the money is a very small part of the picture.

Best of luck

x x x

Answer 12

-Since he has been contributing to the account since before you were married, the money is his.

-You should not be making such a big deal about it.  Most married couples that I know have separate accounts just in case something happens.

-Money is one of the dumbest things to argue about, especially with the economy in the state that it is in.

-He sounds like a jerk.  If he is able to hit a rabbit just for scratching him, do you really want to have a family with him?  Little kids have a tendency to unintentionally hit you in one way or another.  How would he react to that?

Answer 13

DROP HIM LIKE A HOT CAKE......  

Answer 14

Get a divorce. He's not going to get better. Oh, and when you see a lawyer, your husband will see just how much is "his" and "hers".  he's just trying to keep his money away from you should you get a divorce. It might--depending on the state you live--be good for you should you be able to prove you used $8000 for you to get started but he's hoarding $3000. Who knows? it might be a loss. However, one thing I would do for sure. Get your own accounts, your own savings in your own name, and hide it. You might need something to fall back on. Oh, and with military men, after being married for enough years you are entitled to half of their retirement pay. If he is refusing to put your name on the CD and then he buys a house in his name there is nothin much you can do if everything goes sour. Protect yourself!

Dump him!

Answer 15

He has control issues.I would be afraid for you if you stayed with him.It may seem like a small thing for him to hit your bunny but it isn't. what would he do to a child who accidentally scratched him.HE NEEDS COUNSELING don't stay with unless he gets it .Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.

Answer 16

You're 21, no kids?  Not permitted to cry?  Why even ask?  You seem sensible enought to recognize a miserable existence.  Move on, you've got a whole life ahead of you.

Answer 17

You can go one of two ways with this.  You can either start taking par t of your money and putting it into a savings for you, and keep it to yourself in case anything ever happens between you.

or

You can file for divorce, not let him know until you have given all of the info for the property settlement, including having his CD included.  I am not sure which state you live in, but you can check to see if it is a state where half of his property belongs to you also.  Before you decide to file for divorce, check with an attorney.

Answer 18

this seems like a really cold hearted guy. i'd get out now and wouldn't waste anymore of my precious life with this man. i know its easier said than done, but from what you've described here this man is about as self-centered as a person could be and with his type of personality i guarantee it will just get worse. Good luck and i hope you make the right decision so you can have some quality to your life.

Answer 19

keyword you "asked" him if you could put your name on his account. you asked because it's not mandatory. as for your arguing, yeah i think that's a stupid thing to argue over...money.. as long as you're both paying your way, and niether of you are leeching off of eachother who cares.

Answer 20

Hon....He is a controlling person and it appears a bit abusive.  If he is hitting animals then at some point it may be you he hits next.  Do not take this lightly.  It sounds to me like you may need some marriage counseling.   When the two of you decided to get married, all assets are now joined and should be treated as such.  There is no mine and yours...it should all be "ours".   That is the point of marriage..to bond and become "one".  The CD is not his or yours it's for both of you and he needs some boundaries from you.  I think a heart to heart talk is needed here.   I think that both of you need to sit down and discuss this like two mature adults.

I would say:  I appreciate the hard work that you do for our family and the financial responsibility that you take to make sure that we have a good future is wonderful.  I can't imagine a more responsible man and I admire that trait in you however I feel very lonely when I am not included in the financial decisions.   I wanted to feel closer to you in every aspect of our lives and that includes the finances... I feel like I am not trusted, respected, or appreciated when there is a CD out there that I am not included on....I want to be included...then ask him what he thinks?   Men like to be problem solvers.  Let him solve this one.  Sometimes just telling him how you feel and then letting him solve it is better.  I think that better communication skills need to be learned.  I don't believe in abuse but as an abuse survivor don't hand your power over to him.  If he hits the bunny...you immediately take the bunny get your things and leave.  I would say - I will not tolerate abusive behavior toward me or my animals.   When you decide to treat both me and my animals with some respect then we can talk but I am not going to engage in this kind of behavior.

Good Luck

Answer 21

you poor dear, i cant even imagine how that must feel. dont get a divorce over money, i know its more than the money but when it comes down to it, its just an object. you need to explain to him that when you married, what was yours became his and what was his became yours. if he is still being an *** about it, save your hardest in your own account and when he notices it and askes about it be like no its my money not "ours" hey i knwo its immature but it might be just what he needs to make him realise. good luck hun, just remember, at the end of the day, love is more important and marriage is always going to be tough x*x

Answer 22

He's a jerk. Did you talk about finances before you got married? If he is hurting animals he is an animal. He sounds very controlling and I'll bet he does all sorts of controlling things. If you have any money left to save start an account with just your name on it. You will need it if you leave him. I would not put up with that sort of treatment.  

Answer 23

Its a warninbg sign.  He seems like the type of guy who is going to get really violent later on in life.  Animals are innocent and they dont mean to harm you, especially a bunny.  You should get a divorce.  He seems very greedy and very violent.  End it before its too late.

xx

Answer 24

Look I’m going to be brutal:

YOUR HUSBAND SOUNDS LIKE AN *** HOLE!

Firstly when you get married everything is shared. If he married you and doesn’t trust you then yeah do some serious thinking. The fact that he threatens to break up with you when you cry is UNACCEPTABLE. Then he abuses your rabbit! In my opinion, I would divorce. Neither you or your innocent pet deserve to be treated like that!

Answer 25

You have a pretty good idea already that this isn't really about money, it's about how he treats you.  Now, knowing what you know about that subject, you need to make a decision based on that.  He is not going to change and very likely will treat you this way always.  And frankly, the need to control you is only going to get worse (maybe lead to physical abuse).  If you decide you must stay, I suggest you start your own savings account (in your name only) and regularly put as much into it as you can, because if the day ever comes that he decides to leave you, you will need that money to make a fresh start.  But be aware that he will not like this and it will lead to many more arguments.

Answer 26

He sounds like a complete a*****e. But that is not worth a divorce. What you should do is not contribute your money anymore and see how he likes it. He'll realize how much you contribute then. Get your own bank account and start saving. If he asks to get added onto it say no, you don't contribute to it. He just seems like a very controlling type. Which SUCKS. If you dont feel like you love him anymore because he's changed and what not then that is worth a divorce but with what you said it seems like he wants to further your relationship by building a house and what not. So if you dont like his personality then its worth a divorce but the bank account thing isnt worth it, like i said just stop contributing and he'll realize how much you really do. if he says he'll leave if you dont stop crying then let him leave. tell him to go ahead and leave and then watch a chic flick and eat chocolate.