Meant to be yours...???

Question

Recently on my blog an AP mentioned that her adopted child was meant to be with them. That her children, were "her" children before she "knew" them, and before their international adoption.

How does this make you feel? Do you think that adoptees were "meant to be" with their AP's? Does that mean that all of the circumstances which lead up to the adoptee being "adopted" were "meant to be" in order for the adoption to take place?

As an adoptee what do you think about this?

As an AP what do you think about this?

As a Natural Parent, what do you think about this?

thanks for your thoughts...

Answer 1

I believe that everything in life happens for a reason.  We may not understand or know why but it does.  I think God has a plan for all of us before we come into this world.  So if he meant for it to be then I look at it this way.  "IT WAS MEANT TO BE"

Answer 2

It seems SO mean and cruel to think that "it was meant to be."

Was it really meant to be that a child was removed from the first attachment of their life?

If foster kids:  Was it meant to be that they were abused and neglected, so that someone else could adopt them?  Ouch.  Cruel.

Fate is what you make of it....not what happens by chance.

Answer 3

my ex-boyfriend said something similar when we met.  he turned out to be a complete psycho...  no comparison, of course.

claiming something as real that isn't so is mental masturbation.

ps.  can we stop with the "could have been with the abusive birththing???"  most adopted persons are NOT abused, yet born to women who for reasons financially, socially, politically et al., could not parent.  no one is advocating children stay with abusive parents.

Answer 4

I say this is regards to everything that happens on earth. "It is meant to be will be." I don't know about the whole thing that she "know" them before... that is a bit of a stretch. But crazy things do happen especially if she has any insight or psychic abilities, I wouldn't say its impossible.

Answer 5

I have moods where I think all things are meant to be, so they'll work out for ultimate good-- that even the most horrible and tragic things in my life must contribute to what will ultimately be for the best for the world. In those moods, I would have to say that adoption, even with its attendant losses, must also be meant to be, because it would be wildly inconsistent for adoption to be the one thing that doesn't suit the cosmic scheme of things.

I have other moods where I think there's way too much suffering in the world for that to be the case. That every situation based in misery and loss must be the result of flawed human decisions on some level, and that we just try to make the best of it. When I'm feeling like that, I think that adoption is not in any way preordained, and is simply people's attempt to bring something good (a child in need finding a home, if adoption is done right) to a sad situation (the loss of the child's original family.)

So... I guess I'm just terribly inconsistent, but I haven't quite worked this out for myself.

Ultimately, though, I'm not sure how much it matters. When asked, I will simply admit I don't know, and do what I can to do the right thing and in a small way try to make the world a better place (in general; that isn't necessarily adoption-related.) Whether things are fated shouldn't affect how I live my life or relate to others.

Answer 6

Some APs feel that where free will left off, divine intervention took over.

It doesn't make me feel anything when I hear this, those are their feelings not mine, who am I to judge how they feel.

Answer 7

If that were the case then it would have been "meant to be" for him too be severely abused and neglected. It would have been "meant to be" for him to spend a week in the hospital due to internal injuries, malnutrition and dehydration. It would have been "meant to be" that he would hide under his bed whenever some one raised their voice... I could go on and on, but I think you get that I seriously disagree with te "meant to be" c**p.  

Answer 8

God gave me a family.  

I was born into it.  

This family didn't raise me.  

People found a different family to raise me.

It wasn't meant to be in some divine or fate-based sort of way.  Because of human actions, not God's doing, it's the way it was, though.  

It has nothing to do with whether or not I liked either of the families.

Answer 9

i agree with that.  my mother says that to me all the time.  i feel it too.  i couldn't imagine it any other way.

Answer 10

I know people mean well when they say stuff like that.

It's like what a commenter on my blog told me: "It just FEELS like it was meant-to-be. Of course I know that she wasn't left by a railroad JUST so she could become my dream daughter. That would not be fair to her. But as an adoptive parents, you look at your child, and you just fall in love so completely and utterly that it really does feel like it was meant-to-be. Except that I know it really isn't, and someone else had to suffer so I could have my daughter."

As an adoptee, personally I don't believe in the Fate theory, or the Red Theory, or the magical Ladybug thing.

Because... to me... it's like saying, "Well, I think you were meant-to-be separated from your mother JUST so your adoptive mom could have you."

And I really would hope that NO adoptive parent would ever dare say that to a first mother - because, from my perspective, that's not fair either.

And then people will say, "Well of *course* I don't believe she was abandoned just to become my daughter... but the fact that she was able to become my daughter was the miracle. I hope I'm not saying this incorrectly. That's just how I feel. We became a family."

The problem with that explanation is that the only way they COULD have gotten their daughter was if someone had to "abandon" that child FIRST. And so... in saying that it was meant-to-be, then that child's stay in an orphanage must have been meant-to-be, and how that child ended up IN the orphanage must have been meant-to-be...

Because it all stems from the act of a first mother placing the child in a field, or a marketplace, or some other open location where they would be found and placed in an orphanage.

ETA: I know some people on here aren't going to agree with my perspective. That's perfectly fine. It's just my perspective. I just thought I should at least put it out here... WHY I don't believe in the fate theory.

Answer 11

This is one of those religion/philosophy/free will kind of questions.  

I don't think that my children's country of origin was "meant to" have a long and brutal civil war.  I don't think that America, the EU and other first world powers were "meant to" look the other way when this was happening.  

Likewise, I don't think that children are "meant to" be abused/neglected or that mothers are "meant to" get pregnant just so they can place a child for adoption.

All of those things involve free will.  I believe humans have free will and that free will comes with consequences that extend beyond us.  We are not always protected from the consequences of other people's actions.

However, I do believe I was "meant to" open my home and family to children that needed it.  I was "meant to" be there for my children when they were forced to deal with the consequences of other people's actions.  I think I was "meant to" be the back-up plan.

Does that make sense?

Answer 12

Is this like the old "put in the wrong tummy" line? Honestly sentiments like this make me gag.

I was meant to be with my mom, the one who gave birth to me.

My son was meant to be with me, the mother who gave birth to him.

Sadly, society had a different opinion so families were torn apart and lives were changed to build new families for the more "deserving" would-be-parents.  

Answer 13

Sounds like the kind of thing a psycho-stalker would say right before the 8-inch blade pierces your chest.

Farrrr-eaky.

Answer 14

i was meant to be alive. i don't believe in fate. Nobody is entitled to somebody's else's child. However life throws a curve and sometimes other people have to step in to take on the parenting role. for example in my case my mother was a drug addict so others had to step in since she was not able to do so.

Answer 15

How does this make you feel?

--Like there's someone else out there who believes the same way that I do.

Do you think that adoptees were "meant to be" with their AP's?

--Yes

Does that mean that all of the circumstances which lead up to the adoptee being "adopted" were "meant to be" in order for the adoption to take place?

--Yes

As an AP what do you think about this?

--Life is not always fair and just.  I do believe that things happen for a reason.  That does not mean that the natural parent is bad or that the rape or abuse a natural mother experienced was good.  It also doesn't mean that "God" or the universe is a good one or a bad one; it's just what happened for point A to get to point B.

__________

AND since when does "meant to be" always mean something positive?  Not everything in life is positive.  Life is a mixture of good and bad.  Life is full of different experiences.  People can see the same thing totally different then another person sitting right next to them!

__________

It's not like the "put in the wrong tummy" line.  Babies were meant to be in that tummy for the life experience it was about to endure.

Answer 16

Like Mei Ling said...I don't believe in fate.  I believe things happen because of CHOICES individuals surrounding the situation make.  Now whether it's because somebody was forced, poor choices made, felt like there was no other way...regardless, a decision was made on somebody's account to have a circumstance unfold the way it did or will.  

It's not like they just paired you up by drawing a name out of a hat.  I realize some AP's say that with best intentions but somebody had to decide which child they wanted to adopt based on information provided to them and sign the papers.   Sometimes based on a photo...

Answer 17

I see both sides of this. No child is meant to be abused, neglected etc.  If you look at foster care adoptions especially you can say that is a little morbid.

However as a PAP with a foster son that we got from 2days old I feel like he was meant to be with us. I will give you my story and you can see how you feel.  

We did not expect a baby again.  We fully thought we were getting an older toddler or school age child. Also we were only going to do another girl because they would be sharing a room for a few years. We have a third bedroom but it needs work and is not complete.  We got approved to be foster parents and got our adoptive license.  We went through our states website and all the kids had someone already wanting to adopt them.  Then my wife out of the blue said we should be open to a boy or girl.  They can share now and when I go back to work in a few years we can afford to do up the next room and they can each have a room  before they are to old.  I thought about it and agreed. We changed our home status on Friday and our foster son was born Sat and we were called Monday to pick him up from the airport.  I feel like we were the ones meant to have him.  I think that his mom was going to do what she did  no matter what  and (please be nice) GOD knew it.   He put it on our hearts at the right moment to change our home status.  Because we are foster to adopt parents and not straight foster when he goes for PC he won't have to be uprooted and moved to a new adoptive home. He will have constancy.  Of all the kids in foster care why weren't we called for three months after being approved.  I believe if we were we would not have him because our home would be full.  Also usually it takes 12 months before they even talk about PC.   We have had him 6weeks and they already moving towards PC and we will get to adopt him if all goes through.  So yes I believe he is meant to be in our home and with us. I love him every bit as much as my daughter.  I think of him as my son.  Even when we were told  three weeks in he may have a very serious illness we did not falter in our love or desire to keep him.  He is perfect (to us) in every way.  

Answer 18

As a birth mother, my first reaction is to feel indignant. However, with further thought, it occurs to me that this woman describing her situation as "meant to be" is another way of saying that she feels right and at peace with how events played out.

With this in mind, I could in good conscience describe my experience with my son's adoptive parents as meant to be. After all, everything feels perfectly right three years later and all involved parties seem to be adjusting well.

All of this said, I think its important for APs to respect the time, in my case a few days, that a birth mother spent with the fruit of her womb. Many birth mothers struggle with feeling helpless and excluded after the adoption is finalized. As I still struggle with these feelings, I cling to the fact that the decision was always mine and the AP was in no way in control over myself or my child before I gave her that right.  

Answer 19

Dear Gershom,

Ahhhh yes.  I used to think along those lines.  Back then i thought only of myself.  Adoption from my point of view alone.  I was selfish and self-centered.

Now that i am aware of the feelings involved with First parents and adoptees, I could never say that again.  I think its rude and disrespectful to insinuate that my child and her mother were meant to go thru this separation and pain for my benefit.  Tacky.

ETA: awww c**p, I answer these questions first without reading anyone elses answers.  That way i feel no one's opinion is influencing my answers.  My answer was NOT directed at anyone but myself.

Answer 20

If my son was "meant" to be my child then that would also mean he was meant to have an addict mother who neglected him and a father who abused him. It would he was meant to watch horrible violence happen to his mother. It would mean he was meant to develop an eating disorder and RADS. It would mean that he was meant to struggle with pain and rejection.

What a disgusting concept. He was meant to be loved and treasured, not abused; however, his life circumstances dictated otherwise.

The whole ``meant to be`` arguement has always tasted bad in my mouth. It reminds me of women who say they were raped in order to help other women who have had the same experience. It doesn`t make sense. It is a weird justification for something that should not be at all.

Answer 21

sounds pretty entitled and selfish.

now, i WILL say, when i was partnered with my service dog, i felt like we were meant to be together.:)

Answer 22

i was meant to be theres cause the picked me out

Answer 23

Yes.  Meant to be.  I bet that is exactly what that woman  was thinking a couple months ago when she attacked that poor pregnant woman, Aracelli Gomez, ith a box cutter and cut her baby out of her leaving her to die alone while she tried to pass the baby off as her own.

That baby was not meant to be hers no matter what the crazy in her head was telling her.

It worries me when people say stuff like that because where do we cross the line?

I just don't think anyone should feel entitled to another person's baby, it's a slippery slope to crazy-town after that.

Answer 24

okay, I agree with Kristy, and I usually don`t share my feelings or thoughts on God and religion, however, in this case I will. Please be nice, I am just giving my opinion as a PAP. I don`t know how I will feel once I have adopted, however, I will deal with that when I get there. The thing is (in my opinion and many other christians) God, is like a really loving father that wants you to succeed, so he gives you chance after chance to become a better person. He puts things in your path so that you may strive to be a better person and have a relationship with HIM.  I don`t think that the abuse of children is okay, and I wish that all adoptees could have been adopted in the best of situations and never feel abandoned or rejected, but that is not the case. Life is not always easy, or fair, but we have to make the best of every bad situation. I know that I was meant to adopt. I just DO! This does not mean that the children that I will welcome into my my home we`re meant to be abused, but if that is the case, then I will deal with it as best as I can while maintaining a great degree of respect for the natural parents.

I hope that this is not too confusing, it made sense to me ! :)

Let`s not forget that all of the answers are personal opinions and it`s important to respect them all!  

Answer 25

No, I believe that my son (and yes he is my son) was meant to be with his natural / first / bio (however you want to say it) mother and father.  Because of his circumstance he was denied that privilege and must be forced to live a life with other parents.  I do believe that (of course) all the circumstances which lead up to the adoption as if none of it happened, he would be playing in her back yard tonight instead of ours and he wouldn't have to wonder what happened?

Now, not to say that I don't love him anymore than if he weren't my own bio / first / natural child.  Life is what life is for him and we can only help him heal / deal with...(again however you want to say it) and to live his life to the best that it can be.

Answer 26

I believe that I was meant to be with my adoptive mom. I was not as upset about my birth giver not wanting me as I was her not taking care the other 3 children she had. She was and is a horrible person. I dont thank her for my like I thank God.

Answer 27

When I hear that, I feel like I need to take a shower.  

Answer 28

As someone that is neither an Ap, adoptee, nor NP I would say she's deluding herself and she needs therapy for her psychosis.  A bit touched in the head if you ask me.

I wonder if these women will think the same way when a child is returned to their mother after fraud is discovered. I doubt it. How convenient.

Answer 29

How does this make you feel?

(As an adoptee)

Like c**p.  Like if God would do this to me ("meant to be"/"put me in the wrong tummy") then God hates me or has a sick sense of humor.  But God didn't do this -- PEOPLE did this.  Just like Laurie said.  I was meant to be with my mother...the mother that gave birth to me.  Things happened, and people 'happened' after she became pregnant with me.  Those things were done by people -- humans.  I was not raised by my "meant to be" mommy.  I was raised by other people.  Good people.  Strangers.  I love those 'strangers' as I love many people who come into my life and who I 'connect' with, attach to, have things in common with.  It's not about them.  But it was definitely not "meant to be".

(As an auntie -- and 'almost' first-auntie)

When my sister was pregnant (and unmarried, and had already considered and rejected adoption for her child), some neighbors threw her a baby shower.  At the shower, another neighbor (a woman) told my sister that she should call this woman's friends because they are trying to adopt a newborn and...(I won't fill in all the things she said, but it was all the "standards": two-parent home, loving choice, every opportunity, you can finish school, they are such good people and 'deserve' to be parents, etc.).  I was FURIOUS!  I have never heard someone so blatantly -- SHAMELESSLY -- trolling for a womb-fresh baby to adopt.  And at the BABY SHOWER, no less.  It was sickening.

No, my sister's child -- my niece -- is not "meant to be" with some other parent/s because they have more money, status, whatever...  The only parent she is "meant to be" with is her mom...my sister...the one who GOD put her in the tummy of.  Yes, my sister did consider adoption for her daughter.  And if that had happened, would it have been "meant to be"?  NO!  A million times NO!  That would have been a choice made by people.  Not God, Fate, Destiny...or whatever else you want to link to a "meant to be" mentality.  

Answer 30

I think she took WAY to much acid...

seriously though, I don't believe in "fate" or "destiny"

That child was "supposed" to be with his/her mother, If they were "supposed" to be with her, then they would be "of" her

I understand that sometimes (abuse/neglect cases) things don't work out the way they should, but that is not the way it was "meant to be" and for ANYONE to think that just shows immense ignorance and extreme entitlement

Answer 31

As an AP I think it's hard to explain to people what it means to be an adoptive mother. Many people cannot contemplate that what we feel for our children is as intense and allencompassing as the love a mother would have for a child she gave birth to, so they come up with an explanation that many people can connect with: it was meant to be.

When I look at my children's faces and know how much I love them and what lengths i would go to protect them and ensure their happiness, I do sometimes think "this was meant to be". How could it not?

The reality of course is that I adopted through free will. I made the choice to adopt, so I sent in the paperwork. My daughter's mother (I struggle with the word "chose") to leave my daughter in a public place to be found quickly, which we can only assume was due to the one-child policy. My son's parents chose to abuse him. One ended up in an orphanage and the other in a foster home. China matched us with baby girl. And a committee decided we were the best parents for little guy.

I struggle with the fate concept, because like you said, it makes it seem like my daughter was fated to be abandoned simply because she was a girl and my son was destined to be abused.

I believe that when APs say that, they are not meaning to be insensitive, nor do I believe they are acting entitled or nuts, they are simply looking for a way to explain to people what it means to parent these children.