Mother in law...screaming match?

Question

So my "mom"is down, she comes every 2 months for 2 weeks and stays with us. I've gotten used to the comments about the house, or baby, and other little critiques. Today, she said she wanted to have an "intervention" on my husbands drinking porblem (he hasn't worked in a while and she thinks this could be the reason). I said I wouldn't confront him with her and that he did have a problem and we've discussed it and she could talk with him. (Meanwhile, at 10 am she drank about 4 glasses of wine. ) After I affirm that it's an issue but don't wanna gang up on him with her about it. She yells at me, and says that I don't care about my kids father. I get angry and tell her that I don't care about t she conversation and she can yell all day and I still won't care. she's starts yelling "I want the truth!". So my husband tells her that he has a problem and to stop yelling at Jess (me). I tell her she must be in denial and while Jason and I have problems, she acting like she has some problems to. Then I tell her again that I don't care b/c I'm an obnoxious "B", and look forward to her going home. So then I left and went crying to my mom and mother in law is on a plane. So my question is......now I feel bad, I still don't like her, but I want our family to be a family, and I may have ruined it. Any advice?

Answer 1

Bottom line that is your place "house" she needs to respect you! Period if she cant she should not be welcome there! This is very simple. As your husband is not even working she has no right to come and repremand you at all she needs to get in her sons ***. As a woman she should want to see her son being a man and if she so call loves her son maybe you and her need to find out how you and her can help him with treatment or something. But as far as her comming there trying to disrupt your house hold she is 100% out of order. By the way you seem to know that she is mental look into it maybe that is the issue your husband has maybe he was dealing with her mental issues a very long time and found drinking as a crutch,hmmmmm

Answer 2

Why do you let this witch spend 2 weeks with your family every 2 months?  That's quite an excessive visit.  Have you never heard the saying, "Company is like fish - they both stink after 3 days" ?

First thing you need to do is get in touch with Alanon.  That's the AA program for the family members of alcoholics.  You can't make your husband change, but this program will help you deal with his choice to remain an alcoholic.  You'll also learn how to deal with your mother-in-law when she says that you don't care about her son.  

By the way, Alanon is free.  If your husband is drinking instead of working, you probably couldn't afford to get into marriage counseling even if you have insurance that covers part of the cost.  But just as soon as you CAN afford full-fledged marriage counseling, you need to get it.  Marriages to alcoholics never have just that one problem - they're a MESS of problems that you will never sort through or work out on your own.

And tell your husband that it is his responsibility to stand up to his mother.  It is ALWAYS a husband's responsibility to present a united front with his wife, and a wife with her husband, when disagreements come up within the extended families.  He needs to tell his mom that she is out of line, that her criticisms are no longer going to be tolerated, that her interference in your family's affairs and decisions is stopping as of now, and that from now on she can visit for 3 or 4 days but no longer. And if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head, she'll be put into a taxi for the return trip to the airport.  But this has to come from him, and he has to mean it.  

Answer 3

she needs to stop coming for so many visits

or maybe she could stay at a hotel or with friends - you can't just come stay in someone's house like that so often - it's rude

if you & your husband are having problems it's for you two to work through together - it's your marriage - you aren't married to your in laws - you are married to each other

take a breather for awhile from any future visits with MIL - if she doesn't like it too bad - you & your husband need to take care of your family unit (yourselves & children) first

worry about her after

Answer 4

Apparently, visiting you gives your mother-in-law a bit of anxiety.  And she probably has it in the first place... not to mention control issues.  

When we visit someone, we need to conform to the way they live and do things, otherwise things become chaos eventually.  So, instead of your mother-in-law giving advice and help when asked, she makes snide, little comments because it's not "her way".... well from where it sit, it's not her house, either.  

While i'm sure you realize this, i know you feel badly -- most of us do after an argument.  But, it's not entirely your fault.

I suppose that, once things settle down, you and your mother in law may come to terms about this.  If she is expecting you to change in your own home, she's dreaming.  

As for your husband's drinking, i don't think it's a bad thing for a mother to let their kid know they are concerned and urge them to get help; however, alcoholism is an illness, and the person with the problem is the one who has to admit they have a problem.  No one can fix another person.  It's up to the person with the problem to get help.  It's not fun to live with, i know.

I think that you might consider setting some personal boundaries in your life.  Personal boundaries are about self-preservation, and it's ok to let another person know they've gone to far, without being nasty.  I have found a website for you to look at.

And you might also think about attending Alanon meetings -- support groups for those of us whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.

i wish you all the best.  

Answer 5

Hmm,

Kind of difficult to give advice here without being an actual participant in the events.

While tempers are still high, you could send an email or text that you were sorry for getting into a screaming match with her, but you just want to handle things your way.

I hope things work out for you!