My Train-Wreck of a Life.

Question

I'm 20 years old and I am a single mother to (almost) 3 great kids. Yeah, I know the judging is coming now but I was engaged when pregnant with my daughter, my son was conceived through rape (never reported), and I'm due 12.26.08 with a baby girl and I was (and technically still am) married and found out 4.5 months into my pregnancy that my husband has been cheating on me for months now and I've had all kinds of complications (hospitalized for dehydration due to inability to hold down water, severe weight loss, baby measuring small, severe anemia, etc.) and now on top of this I'm getting threats from his mother that they are getting an attorney (which I can't afford) and taking the baby from me. I'm living alone with my two kids with the financial support of my mom until I can get a job (I get child support only for my daughter) which is not working out so well because I have no transportation/ daycare provider. I am under so much stress to the point where I feel like I'd be better off dead sometimes but I know I have to be here for my kids and I love them with all of my heart and they're what keeps me going. Its just that everything is piling up at once and a lot of the time I find myself sitting in the middle of the floor in uncontrollable tears. I don't have help with anyone watching the kids even though I occasionally ask(my son has spent one night away from me in his 8 months of life and thats because I was in the hospital for rehydration) I don't really have any friends and although my mom is a big help financially, my step-dad doesn't want me and she has always been the type to pick men over her kids and everytime I try to talk to her for support and he's around she just hangs up on me and told me last week that she didn't even want me and my dad is physically abusive and I never really talk to him. So really I don't have family or friends to talk to, and I've become overwhelmed with everything and the fact that I am bi-polar just seems to magnify the problems even though I'm on medication. I try so hard, but it seems like I'm destined to do nothing but fail. I'm sick of feeling worthless, and I'm tired of all of the "she's a w***e", or "she's crazy", whispers about me behind my back. It's pretty easy to judge when you're not in the situation. Anyway, I guess my point is, what can I do to get my life on track and keep it there for the sake of my kids. Where do I start? I don't need to hear "don't have anymore", because I'm undergoing a tubal ligation in December so thats not quite the response I'm going for.

Answer 1

OMG sorry cant help

:(

Answer 2

I feel sorry about your hard situation!!!!

Answer 3

I feel sorry for you and though I don't have any answers I wanted to stress something to you because this is serious....If his family take you to court for custody, you will need to be very careful. Yes, a lot of the time, it is pretty rare that a child is ever taken from the mother but they are going to find everything they possibly can to make you look bad to win their case. I am sure that you are a wonderful mother but if you do go to court, don't try and play on the fact that you have been ill through your pregnancy or the fact that you have bi-polar. If you do, it may not go in your favour. Some custody cases can get very nasty, so you've got a long way to go until things get much better but if you hold your head high and make sure you stay on your medication, you should be fine. I only wanted to stress this because if they can prove that you are unstable, you may be dealt the bad cards. You need to get yourself into a mothers group or somewhere where you can get some extra support. Parents all go through very similar things. Get the support you need and it will also get you out meeting people and its a bonus for your kids too. (you didn't say how old they are). I'm sure there must be some sort of assistance available for you when it comes to child care. After you ave this baby, you really should investigate it properly. Yes...it will take some time to get back on your feet but if you keep trying to be the best mum you can be and strive to achieve realistic goals, then you can potentially overcome a lot and get to where you want to be in life. Don't go doing anything silly because your kids need you and it sounds like you may very well be the only person they have. You are worth more than you feel right now. If these feelings keep getting to you, you should ask at the hospital to speak to a councillor or social worker on the maternity ward because with feelings like this now, I would be prepared for the fact that you are at a higher risk of developing postnatal depression. Best of luck. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

Ok, I'm sorry to hear that you were raped. That is awful. And you must be a really strong woman to have gone ahead and had your child anyway. You REALLY should have reported it though. First off, it's good to hear you're getting a tubal ligation. I'm sure you have learned a lot through your struggles with the children, marriage, financially, everything. Through every experience whether viewed positively or negatively by otheres, is a learning experience. You learn and you grow, and that's all part of life. No matter what. I would suggest to you possibly looking for a roommate, it would cut costs. Can your mother or any relative stay with you or can you stay with them? s***w your step-dad, in the future he will look back and regret his behavior towards you, because he simply has no right to be a pig, and he will feel guilty. Second of all, you need to look for help from your state if you haven't already, financial assistance, where they provide medical insurance, food stamps, etc. They may even be able to provide free or low cost day care as well. Thirdly, you need to look for a job, at least part time. Look in Medical Billing perhaps. Once you learn it, (and they have technical schools for training and you could get financial aid if you can't afford it) they offer certificats and you can then work from home and it makes decent money. There are many at home jobs as well, other ones, that would allow you to bring some income in while still staying home with your kids. Perhaps even offer to babysit others(can make friends w/other moms too) children, it would give you some money which will help, and you still have free daycare cause your w/your kids as well. There are many options out there. You need to focus on bettering your life and digging yourself out of your hole though. You have to make a better life for your kids. Bipolar can be treated w/meds from the medical insur. provided by the state. You still have options girl. Think of the basics in life right now. An attorney can be provided by the state as well. You need to get on track though otherwise you run the risk of losing your kid by the father. Prove your worthy. Then get child support from him as well. If you know your rapist press for child support. No shame in that. Hopefully you can. Good Luck. Hope I helped some.

Answer 5

Oh my gosh.

Where to start.

mmm ?

Survival basics for the kids so they are not taken away from you.  

Food- Shelter- Clothing -Love -Health/Cleanliness

You need to sit down with a pencil and paper.  Look at your money income and outgo.   Whittle away everything not necessary.  

Your online so you need to unplug or find someway to make money on the computer.

You cant have luxuries now.

Have you talked to social services about food stamps and other things.   They may visit ( and prob will ) your home, so you better have that in tip top health conditions. Kids really looking well cared for.    

This situation is why we have aid like Welfare.

You need to get very serious and dont rely on anyone .     I have no easy fix.

Answer 6

Hey, i don't know you too well, but from what i read, your a very strong woman. 1st off, its very hard to take a child away from their mother, but you should still look into some legal advice. Just ask that question on here. But anyway, i understand things are hard right now, and sometimes you feel like you cant go on, but just remember, God never gives you more than you can handle. I'm not a big church person, but i know i should be, but when i go to church, and ask God to help me and give me strength to keep going, he does! Ask him to please help you get through hard times. Also, i don't think your a bad person just because you 20 with 3 children, everything happens for a reason. I don't judge you at all, i honestly don't think 20 is a bad age for kids, I'm 18 and i cant wait to have kids, ill prolly have one before I'm 20, some people are made to be good moms, and obviously God knows your a wonderful mother, and he knows you can take care of them. I wish you well with everything. My email is [e-mail] if you ever want to talk.  

Answer 7

youre going to have to get a job or maybe two and get a babysitter and when things are going good go to college and get a good job so you can support your kids.  

Answer 8

First off you have made a good decision to stop having kids.  It sounds like your mother is supportive even if it is financially.   That is a good thing.  I don't know where you live but I bet there is technical or vo-tech schools in your area.  Take a class in anything you are interested in.  You can apply for state assistance for schooling and child care.  Talk to your Department of Human Services in your state.  They can help you. Remember to take one day at a time.  You are not worthless and it will get better.  Also, I know it would be a very hard decision but you might consider putting your new baby up for adoption.  There are some very awesome families looking for babies to love.  That is the greatest gift you can give to another human being.  

Answer 9

Erica,

Remember that you need to take one day, or even one moment, at a time.  It is hard to do sometimes but necessary to maintain your sanity.  Breeeathe.

There are lots of excellent suggestions here - first to not let your ex's mother intimidate you.  It DOES take a lot to take a child away from his or her mother.  As long as you are being honest in that you're doing your best with your kids, and you are not doing anything illegal or to compromise their well-being.  

Secondly...you need to get in touch with your local social services agencies.  You need to use any and all assistance right now that you can qualify for.  This can include WIC, food stamps, financial assistance for your living expenses (rent), and possibly even education/ job training.  This is VITAL to you and your sense of self-worth and confidence in taking care of yourself and your children.  

Don't expect instant results - this is going to take a LOT of effort on your part and you will probably have more of those times that you need to ball your head off.  You're human.  The most important thing in my opinion is to stay focused on what IS within YOUR own control, and NOT on what isn't.  Keep "your side of the street clean", as they say...meaning, you are making a true, consistent effort in doing everything you can to improve your situation.  It WILL get better but depends a LOT on you.  

Last but not least, if you are able to qualify and participate in the services out there, you never know where this will lead.  New/different/good people in your life, new opportunities, new friends.  Anything is possible.

Take care of yourself.  You have GOT to take the steps necessary to realize your self-worth and get the confidence you need to forge ahead and do what you have to do.  You can!!!!

Answer 10

Try GOD

Answer 11

You're already doing something positive by reaching out, but BE CAREFUL about who you take advice from and who you allow to help you. Men will generally try to help by telling you what the solution to your problem is, and women will try to help by telling you how sorry they are. What you need is a bit of both and being able to rely on one or two solid people for support, even if it's just anonymously online. You could join one of the online dating services and give that a whirl, but be careful about who you get involved with. Above all, STAY TOTALLY AWAY FROM DRUGS AND ANYONE WHO OFFERS YOU DRUGS OR IS MORE THAN A CASUAL DRINKER OR GAMBLER. Hope you find someone who'll stand by you. Cheers!  

Answer 12

GET TO THE CHOPPA!!

I think your best bet is to take charge of your life, get yourself some job training from school, get that jackass of a husband supporting his child, ask your parents for help with watching the kids, get things moving.

Decide for yourself its time to change, decide what you want, and go for it without hesitation.

Answer 13

First of all, call your no good ex's and his battle ax mother's bluff.  They can't take your baby away from you unless you are truly unfit (using drugs/alcohol, abusive, etc),  Even with a lawyer, they won't get anywhere.  Your ex's history of cheating won't help his case, either.  So try not to let that bother you anymore.

Look into programs that will help you with college, job training, etc.  There are homes for young mothers where you and your children can live temporarily.  They will help you with counseling, daycare, getting an education and/or job, parenting skills, a home, transportation, etc.  Look into what programs are available in your area.  I wish you and your kids all the best.  Hang in there.