My father!!!????

Question

I haven't seen my father or talked to him in 16 years...he signed over his rights and me and my 4 other siblings got adopted years ago. I recently got his number by running in to a biological family member, and I plan on calling him tonight. I am so nervous and I don't know what to say. I know he might not be me real father and I want to question him aboaut that.

Answer 1

You will be fine, I had not ever know my mother but recently we have connected I am now 36.  It is better late than never, but if you are going to start off the conversation asking him about the biological issue you might want to reconsider.  I would not even bring up the topic until 4 months of heavy phone conversations to simply know who he is.

Good luck,

B

Answer 2

BOTH OF MY PARNETS SIGNED ME OVER. IF I WAS TO TALK TO THEM RIGHT NOW ;

1)I WOULD ASKED WHY THEIR DID WHAT THEY DID?

2)DID YOU LOVE ME?

3)ARE THEY OTHER BROTHERS AND SISTERS?

4)WHAT IS MY HISTORY?

5)DO YOU THINK OF ME?

6)DIDI YOU LOVE ME OR WAS I A MISTAKE?

SO JUST SIT DOWN AND WRITE QUESTIONS THAT YOU WANT TO ASKED HIM.I WOULD BE VERY NERVOUS  TOO. HOW DOES YOUR MOTHER FEEL ABOUT YOU CALLING YOUR FATHER? YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER AND SEE IF SHE CAN HELP WITH THIS BIG QUESTION YOU HAVE.GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

I am sure you are both nervous, excited and yet hold some anger too.  You probably have many questions to ask him and by all means you have every right.  However allow me to just remind you that sometimes people do things that don't seem like the right thing but maybe the best thing.  Your father may have signed over his rights for you to have a better life.  Or maybe he did it for selfish reasons, only he knows and you can ask him now.  Try to be civil and mature when you ask, you would more likely get a true response if he feels your mature enough to handle it.  Good luck and don't hold any hard feelings toward him, lifes too short.....

Answer 4

You deserve answers to all of the questions you have, however, keep in mind, they may not "be the answers you desire".

Don't let that stop you however.  Once you make that call, your life will most definately change.  It's a fork in the road of life you are currently on, but I do think it will end up being a positive experience for you, no matter what. Otherwise, you will remain on that "same road" and always wonder what those answers are.

Good Luck to you, and you do have "real" parents............They are the one's that love you as if you were their blood, and wanted you "so badly" that they cried many tears of anguish until you finally came in to their lives.  They are YOUR parents, and you are very lucky to have them, and them to have YOU.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Don't be nervous. Just ask him if he is ok talking to you about what happened. You might want to find out what caused him to sign over his rights. Did your mom push him into it? Did he do it because he wanted you to have a real dad in your life? There are a number of reasons it may have happened and not all of them are always bad. Just try to keep your expectations realistic. He may end up becoming a part of your life, but the guy that adopted you will always be your 'real' dad.

Answer 6

Good Luck!

Answer 7

Well, if you think about all that stuff, call him and tell him that. If he cant give a good explanation, fast enough, than you knw you were right. But, you should call him. Even though you dont want him to be a part of your life, he is part of life, by being the person, who walked out of it 16 years ago.

Answer 8

Wish you luck. Relax, don't be nervous, it'll be just fine.

Answer 9

I'm going to start and say good luck. If you are calm and don't lose your cool, I'm sure he won't either. Don't jump on the whole "leaving you" topic as soon as you begin your conversation. He left for a reason and he deserves your respect when he tells you. Although he left you and you are probably angered, just listen to what he has to say. Be tentative and listen. Participate in the conversation and like I said before, DON'T LOOSE YOUR COOL! Good luck and remember that if you want his respect, give him yours!

Answer 10

to be honest with you why waste your time on some one who gave you away you don't need him in your life you need positive people my son had this happen to him and he did go and find him only to be rejected again which messed him up even more so please think long and hard before you let him in to your life if you decide to go i wish you luck x

Answer 11

Why, why, why, would you want to have anything to do with that man? What about your birth mother who had to carry you and give you up because that jerk did what he did? What about her? She has been through a heart wrenching time. All I can imagine are all the lies he will tell you. You weren't babies when he did this. It sounds like he didn't want the financial responsibility of you. It's not about you. It's about him being a bad person and bad people don't make good parents. If you are still with your real mother, how does she feel? After all she's done for you, now he can come in and be the "good" guy. You have no clue as to what she went through. Have some children first, then you'll see what he did was sooooo low. You'll understand what your mom had to face. I wish you the best, but beware of the cr*p he'll tell you.

Answer 12

well, it depend.......do u really want t otalk him? is he really that important in ur life since he was the one handing his right over to a different family? and if u call him.would u think he wonna see u? since he gave u away.............i mean if u really want to see him than u shouldnt be nervous. u should be very excited.....and call him the very second u found his number. well good luck

Answer 13

Wow! You must be excited, nervous, and very confused. Well, first off, this man is your father. Or at least, you think he is. But do not get too close all of a sudden. These relationships take time and effort. You could start off by saying "Hello, may I please speak to ______?"

Whatever you do, do not tell him right off that you are his daughter. First say, "Hello, my name is ____ and I am ___ years old. I think you know me?" or something like that.

Do not bring up the whole "adoption business". Well, at least not until he says something. And question him about the whole "real father" thing later. When he knows about who you are more.

Most of all, do not meet him in person until three (3) phone calls have been placed and exchanged.

Best of luck! :-) I'm cheering for you! :-D

Answer 14

Say what you're saying here. Read it if you have to; but clear the air.

Answer 15

I know this may be hard, but 16 years. You must have been anticipating it for a long time, so for you to back out you'll feel like c**p. First of all it's going to be hard, and you don't know if the per-son your going to call will be your real father or not. Either way you're scared. You might want to call with one of your siblings, or friend. If you want this to be a personal matter, then put on a song that gives you  confidence, like " I'm a Survivor" by Destiny's Child. You can also have some ice cream around. Anything that's going to get you comfortable. Also prepare to be disappointed, if the person is not your father. Don't get your hopes too high, because you know the saying, the higher they are,the harder they fall. Don't take that for granted. If he is your father then prepare what your going to say. In the end, be proud of yourself, because you made it that far, and that should be an accomplishment.  SO go ahead and go for it!!

Answer 16

hmmm, well, i think that maybe you should call him to just get it over with and get some answers. but dont be disappointed if hes a jerk, it may be better to get the suspension and apprehension over with, then you wont have any "what ifs?" hanging over yuor head, just dont expect too much. i saw a lifetime movie with a girl in a similar situation as this and once she met her dad, it ended all her questuions and bitterenss and misconceptions, but she was way better off without him and never saw him again. good luck!

Answer 17

just treat him like anyone else. ask him things that you want to know like what he's been doing, what he likes, if he wants to meet with you etc. you'll know what to say when you talk to him, i think it's great that you want to talk to him. good luck

Answer 18

yea u can do that and i bet he will regret wat he did.  you may think he does not love you but maybe it was the hardest decission he did.  but then again he could be this person who really did not care.  But if loved u he would try to find you instead of marring it just says he moved on and u better leave like that and move on ur strong u survive for 16 wat is 16 more.  Just move on its the right thing to do...

Answer 19

You should start the conversation by giving him your name and asking if this is a good time to talk and if he knows who you are.  (You may need to tell him who you mother is and give some dates.)  If he says no or hesitates, ask him if he can take down your number, if you are willing to give it to him, or ask him when would be a good time to call back.  

In 16 years, it is safe to assume that he has a different life.  He has not been fair to you, but it is not your place to divulge secrets that could hurt other people in his life right now.

If the initial greeting goes well, I would say something like this.  " As you can imagine, I have a lot of questions for you."  Keep this conversation as light as possible.  Just open the door.  If it seems, that he will be less than cooperative then push a little harder for the questions you want answers to.  If you don't want him to be a part of you life, tell him that "at this point in your life you are not looking for a relationship with him but you are curious".  Be honest.

Good luck.

Answer 20

i hope everthing works out for u all right.

Answer 21

start with, "Hi, I'm your daughter."

Answer 22

Go for it! Good luck!

Answer 23

Stop beating yourself up. We can not sit here and say what was and is for someone who walked out of your life 16 years ago. what I mean is maybe he had good reason maybe you were never given all the facts. If you were adopted maybe it was your mother who did the walking and he did what was best for you. There are so many ifs. Do not judge the man at least not yet. It sounds to me that even though you are saying one thing you might mean another. Call him if you have the number but do not make accusations.Let him say his piece and his side of the story and still you only have half. If you are happy where you are and with the people who adopted you and they feel like parents is it something that couldn't wait a few more years until you are out of their house. They too have feelings and they took you in as their own. Talk to them about it and see what they think. After all they are your true parents now.

Answer 24

We know what you are going through and you may want to try this:  Rather than calling him out of the blue, why not writing him a letter (if you know his address) introducing yourself, then telling him you want to contact him for the purpose of getting his health history for your future health issues.  Tell him you would be happy to furnish him a DNA sample (spit, Silvia, skin, blood, hair) for him to compare to his to make absolutely sure he is, in fact, your biological father.  Briefly tell him about his other siblings.  Nevertheless, tell him you don't what to interfere in his present life, but for the sake of your future family you need his history.  Don't mention your mother unless he asks answering his specific questions without criticism or either side of the relationship.  Be kind and honest.

Send the letter and give him three weeks to answer, if he has not answered in three weeks, then write him a second letter apologizing for shocking him, reiterate you need for health information, and ask his advise as to who to contact for this information.  In each letter, give all your contact information especially you phone number.  If you don't hear from him in two months, then call him and recall your letters to him.  Don't be surprised if he is surprised and may not want any contact from you or your siblings.  We would be interested in your success or not.  Best of luck!

Answer 25

When I tracked down my birth mother and called her for the first time, I had my (ex) husband talk to her first, to verify I had the right person and to minimize the shock--and to make sure she didn't hang up, which she almost did anyway!  I just didn't trust myself not to be too emotional or to say something stupid.  After he talked to her for a few minutes I got on the line and all went well.

If you don't have someone who could speak for you, you might consider writing down what you want to say in advance?

Also, make sure you're prepared for the worst.  If he doesn't want to talk to you, try not to take it personally, and make sure you have someone close by you can vent to.

Good luck! I hope it's him.

Answer 26

Dont ask too many questions you will scare him..also expect the worse, because it will just upset you which you dont want. 16 years is a long time just think about if its the right thing to do first and if it makes you happy then go ahead and do it, good luck!

Answer 27

I think "Devin's Mom" hit it right and has the best approach to the situation. I'm speaking from experience - my birthfather found me 20 years after I was born and he abandoned my mother prior to my birth - one of the reaons I was placed for adoption. I had a lot of angry feelings towards him - but 16 years a lot changes, people, time, places, etc. And people change. The night I got the call from the reunion registry that they found him (I was actually searching for my mom), I was so full of butterflies in my stomach and had NO idea what to say or do. It was completely unexpected but I gave him the chance. Whatever you do, life has a way of working out the way it's supposed to anyway, whether it's how you want it to work out or how you expected it not to work it - it always does work out.

Whether or not he is your actual biological father - doesn't matter. He is the father you know to have been the one to give you up. Re-read "Devin's Mom"'s answer and think about it before you make any decisions.

Answer 28

Wow, that's a hard one. I wish you all the strength and couragem you can do this, and need to do this, it will either go into a relationship, or into something that will give you an understanding of him and why it all happened, either of which gives closure and peace of mind.

I wish you well.

Answer 29

start off with, y weren't u  thre 4 me? and do u knw who my real father is?

Answer 30

Not knowing what kind of reaction you will get from him means you need to be prepared for anything.  Remember that a call out of the blue will mean that he isn't expecting it either.  Let him know soon in the conversation why you are calling and be honest!  If you wish you could talk every once in a while or have coffee now and again then let him know.  His life now may not have much room for you or he may not be proud of how things are going so he may seem standoffish.  I would just let him know that from time to time you have questions and that you would like to know that you can contact him when it's time to ask them.  Good luck, I went through a similar situation.

Answer 31

Wow u guys got a lot of talking to do good luck and be careful the past can hurt you some times but good luck ok and if ur dad is cool about you seeing him try to make up some time for all the lost years ok .♥