Open adoptions?

Question

My room mate just found out she is pregnant. She is considering giving the baby up for adoption. She can not keep the baby because she and the father are still in college and both parents refuse to help them out financially or emotionally. She is very upset. She knows that if she keeps the baby that she will have to drop out of school and the baby will not have the quality of life it deserves. But again, she doesn't know if she will be able to give the baby up for adoption either. It's very hard for her to consider loving someone so much and giving it away. I mentioned to her that she could have an open adoption. I was wondering though, has anyone ever been involved in anything like this? Being the one who gave the child away or the person adopting? We would like to know the good and the bad, also if you see your child still.

Thanks for all your help, it is a very tough time for all of us.

Answer 1

I am the  birth sibling of 8 adopted children. 3 had open adoptions, the other 5 did not. All of them are my brothers and sister. The older 2 that had open adoption were this way because they were already atleast 10 when taken from their birth parents, and so they were allowed visits and such. My one brother enjoys it. he now has 2 children of his own and other than some minor "whos the best gramma" issues, its wonderful. My little brother was adopted by us at 5 months old. His mother still recives pictures of him, and he's 10 in a month. He knows about her, never acctually met her, but its nice knowing that she was just too young to care for him, rather than she was on drugs or didnt want him. All of my siblings know about their birth families, even if all havent met them.

Answer 2

I gave a child up when I was 22, just a bad situation I got myself into.. anyways, I met a wonderful christian woman who gave me some names of a couple who was looking..they were also Christians. I met with them and like them right away, they were a big part of my pregnancy. When it came time to hand him over I could not do it, I took him home and gave him a bath and bonded with him and I knew I had to do it..so I called and they came and got him.. I made sure to have an "open adoption" which means they keep you informed of their whereabouts. I received pics every year and even talked to him when he was old enough to understand.. He just turned 18 this year and we will be meeting again since his birth.. It is a wonderful gift to give someone.. The main thing is to let your friend know that she is doing the right thing for the child, do not feel guilty...

Answer 3

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article...

The above link is to a piece I wrote on Associated Content about open adoption.  Its about things I think people need to consider before choosing this option.

I'm an adoptive mother of one and a biological mother of two others.  I can speak from first-hand experience when I say that there is no difference in the kind of love I have for any of my three kids.

Having said that, I have to also say that I don't think anyone should place a baby for adoption unless they can say, "I don't want this baby whatsoever" and essentially want it out of their life.  I know that's a tough standard for who should place babies for adoption, but I think this business of "I love it, but I can't provide for it" isn't a good reason to place a child for adoption.

If someone is incapable of providing for a baby emotionally, and if someone is going to be negligent or abusive because they have some kind of "issues" themselves, then that's reason to give the baby to someone who will do what's right.

As an adoptive mother, I wouldn't go along with an open adoption if I were to adopt again.  My son's adoption was closed, and my relationship with him was just the same as it is with the other two children.  As an adoptive mother, I wouldn't want my child to have "another mother kicking around somewhere" and showing up because then my relationship with my child would feel like unpaid foster care, rather than the sacred mother/child adoptive relationship that does form.

Placing a baby for adoption is an awful thing, and many people regret it.  Many people may also do it when they should never have done it.  Open adoption may make it less painful for the biological mother, but I'm not at all sure its really what's in the best interest of the child.

Maternal instinct generally makes mothers willing to make all kinds of sacrifices for their baby.  Maybe your friend will have to drop out of school for a while and can return later, part-time, or something like that.

The world is full of well adjusted, well loved, people who have been raised by mothers with little education.  The big thing babies need is to be made to feel secure, to have a mother who knows how to nurture them properly, and a basic level of food and shelter.  Of course, its always nice for babies to have a beautiful nursery and the best car seat there is, but a mother of modest means can get through until the child starts school - and then she would be freer to try to improve her own career prospects.

My belief is if a biological mother thinks of her baby and thinks, "I'll find a way" then she should keep the baby.  If she thinks of the baby and thinks, "I don't want to give up my plans for you" then she needs to recognize that she doesn't have the same degree of maternal instinct, place the baby for adoption, but let it have its new life with one mother/one father at a time.  (I'm not against adopted children having the facts and names associated with the beginnings made available when they're old enough.  I just think "either you want the baby or you don't - one or the other" and if you can't honestly say "I just don't want this kid" you shouldn't place the child for adoption because its just too horribly painful for anyone who has the need to still try to be in the child's life.

To me, it  isn't fair (open adoption) to the child not to just let him have a "regular" life with one set of parents at a time.  It isn't fair to the adoptive mother, who needs to be able to form that same quality of relationship with the child that all mothers do (without having other mothers kicking around).  It even seems cruel to biological mothers to allow them to place a child for adoption when they're not able to truly "let go".  I just think you either want your child or don't - and giving away a child you really, truly, want is a horrible thing for any mother to have to deal with.

Good luck to your friend.   I know all of the above is just an opinion, and I know these days I tend to be in a minority with how I think about this.

Answer 4

I gave up a son about 7 years ago.  The adoptive parents and I had an agreement that there would be "involvement without disruption" meaning that there was contact and pictures (I had 2 older children), but if either side got to feeling like the communication was becoming disruptive to their lives, then it would be cut off.  I still hear from the adoptive mother and I still get pictures.  It can be done.

Answer 5

I think an open adoption is a great solution for all involved.  She will still be able to keep in touch & see how the baby is.  The baby will be able to grow up knowing who the birth mother is and knowing that the birth mom loved him/her enough to create an adoption plan for him/her.  The adoptive family will also have the advantage of having access to family history information and knowing that they're helping to raise a happy, well-adjusted child who will know how much he/she is loved.

Answer 6

As an adopted child, for me there would be only one option.  I would keep my baby.  My birthmother never completely recovered mentally when she gave me up.  She didn't want to but gave into the "you can's possibly provide" pressure.  Growing up, I never felt like I belonged.  I never felt loved or accepted.  My birth mom struggled with mental breakdowns, having two more girls and abandoning them, telling them that she was going to the store and not coming back.  There is so much help out there nowdays.  WIC for all food the baby needs for the first year.  There are daycare plans that will pay for the daycare she needs.  As a mom myself, I could never carry a baby for nine months, feel that baby moving, getting aggravated because she won't move her forehead off of my rib, give birth and then turn around and give it up for adoption and not see her ever again.  But then, not all parents are like my adoptive parents.  I'm sure there are more parents that are not like mine and do make the kids feel loved and cared for.  I am not sure if this would be considered open adoption or what, but at the very least I would choose and meet the couple who adopts the baby.  Spend time with them (at least several hours) and see how they interact with each other.  Talk to their friends and family.  I would also want an agreement that when the child gets old enough to understand, that they have the ability to get in touch with the birth parents.

Answer 7

Adoption is a very big step to take, but can be the best solution for all involved.  I knew a girl in Bible Study who had given up a son in an open adoption.  It was very difficult for her, espescially right after the baby was born and she would see other people with children.  However, she did still have a limitted amount of access to the child.  She could call, write letters, get photos, and even visitted once or twice.  However, it is not at all the same as having your baby with you.  For one thing, after adoption, the other parties are legally the babies parents, you are no longer the mom, you no longer have a baby, and you have no right to make any decisions for the child.  This is an enormous emotional undertaking.  

On the other hand, it can be the best situation.  Abortion is a terrible option, and if your friend truly feels she is not ready to be a mother, then adoption is a good option.  Too many children these days end up abused when parents become overwhelmed.  I suggest your friend talk to an agency that does open adoptions.  They differ from area to area, but "faith based" ones are usually the best in terms of honesty.  I don't know your friends religious background, but I know that Baptist Family Services run agencies around the country, and so do many other faiths.  (Side note:  I'm not Baptist, so I'm not trying to recruit here or anything.)  Most faith based agencies offer counseling to decide whether adoption (and what type of adoption) is the right option for the mother and baby, and can help the mother pick out a good home for her baby if she does decide to place it in other hands.  

I hope this helps your friend.

Answer 8

first tell your friend that should she choose not to parent her baby, no matter what others may say later on, she is making a very selfless choice.  it is one that screams how much she loves her baby.  and she needs to find adoptive parents that will let that baby know how much she loves them.  that adoption is not giving away anything.  it is giving thought above yourself, and doing something that is so very loving by the nature of it, that nothing can change that.  

that said.  i am the adoptive parent.  well it seems silly to call myself that.  my daughter is 18 months old and i'm just her mom.  her adoption is an open one.  i just spoke with her birthmother tonight.  we speak usually once a month.  although it was more frequent when she was first born.  i can't say enough good things about open adoption.  my daughter will not only know me as her mother.  but will know her other mother, however she chooses to continue the relationship after she is older is up to her.  she will always be told how much she is loved.  she is very special because she has 2 families that would do anything for her because they love her.  her biological mother decided that it was in her best interest to have my husband and i as parents.  and this was done because she loved her so very much.  we send pics and updates regulary and speak often.  my daughter will have access to her biological roots and also will have the knowledge that we were chosen and in return we chose her.  we have even visited her birthmother and her family 4 times since she's been born.  i won't lie the first meeting made me very nervous.  she was only 6 months old and like any new parent i worried about everything.  i wondered were we doing a good enough job with this precious gift this woman gave to us?  would she try and run off with her?  would she change her mind after seeing our baby and find a way to get her back?  all absolutly silly now a year has past since that meeting.  i confidently make arrangements for visits now.  and will continue this until my daughter says to stop.  if she never does then they will continue, or if any visit should upset her and confuse her.  i don't see this happening.  i know years down the road when i get that dreaded "you're not my real mother"  from my daughter, she can call her other mother and will be told to knock it off, that i'm her mother and she needs to listen to me.  my suggestion is should your friend decide this is the best option that she find a parent or parents that feel like old friends after the nervousness of a first encounter will bring out.  after that first meeting both of my daughter's mothers have been friends.  we would probably be friendly with one another if such a beautiful circumstance had not brought us together and we'd met in a different situation.  but this situation has forever bonded us.  and in a case such as a baby, nothing can be bad if both parties stick to their part of the agreement and follow through.  in my opinion, and of course i'm biased, adoption a baby and doing an open adoption is the most exciting and most love filled way of adding to your family.  and in our case, it was also a sad one, because allowing us to be the parents of such a beautiful intelligent little baby must have been so difficult for her to do.  but how can an act so full of love from both sides be anything but something special and wonderful?

my best to your friend and whatever she decides.  had her birthmother decided to parent and not signed, it would have devastated me, but i could understand.  my daughter is my daughter and that's it.  i could not see my life without her.  i was born to be her mother and someone higher up than myself put her in my arms.

Answer 9

If she wants the baby but just doesn't see how she will take care of it she will probably end up regretting giving it up for adoption. every time she sees the baby it will break her heart. she will want it back but it will be too late. It will kill her for the baby to call the other person "mommy"  I think she should keep the baby and get assistance with child care while she is at her classes. all she has to do it prove her income does not allow her to pay for childcare. she could get WIC, food stamps, free medical care etc... she would only have to buy diapers and clothes.

Answer 10

We actually adopted our son from his biological grandparents.  We have chosen to have an open adoption with them and it has been wonderful.  We visit with them once a month, talk to them on the phone regularly, and even went to visit them for a week on vacation.  It's been a wonderful experience for us to invite them into our family and they are invited to all family functions.

Unfortunately, my son's biological parents chose not to have anything to do with him from the day he was born.  However, if they had asked to have an open adoption with us, I don't believe we could have done it, simply because of the problems it would have created with our son's safety - but that was our situation.  You asked for the pros and cons.  For us, there are no cons with the open adoption we have with the grandparents.  Perhaps some day it will become more complicated when our son begins to ask questions, but for now everything is great.  

Good luck to your friend.

Answer 11

Open adoption is the ultimate gift that a mother, unable to properly care for the child, can give her baby.  Best of luck to your friend!

Answer 12

If she decided to chose an agency, please tell her to do her research.   I placed a child for adoption a few years back and I picked an agency and they sent me paperwork and profiles, but I had already picked a family thru private means, so we were going to go thru the agency but use my parents, while reading all the documentation, I found that I was actually signing my baby over to the agency and if they decide that my pick for parents were not suitable they could place her where ever.   In that situation, I feel like the child ends up going to the highest bidder instead of who is offering the best home.   SO, PLEASE READ ALL SMALL PRINT.  

Also, just so you know.  I would not change a thing that I have done.

Answer 13

She needs to seek professional counseling to help her decide what to do.

Answer 14

I was in a similar situation when I was yonger.  I had thought about giving my daughter up for adoption only because I didn't believe in abortion (there are too many good people out there who are trying to have children that cannot), but I wasn't sure if I could really do it.  About 3 months before I gave birth I found out distant cousins were trying to adopt and I knew it was the right choice.  I will say though it was SO HARD to give my child up, but I knew I couldn't give her the life I wanted.  Her father and I were very responsible even used 2 different kinds of contraceptives, so her being that .1% I knew she was special (she was concieved on fathers day).  Since he and I had decided to seperate before we found out I was pregnant we knew it was the right thing to do.  My cousins have had my daughter since she was born and have kept an open end adoption with me.  They are very special people, they let her know ever since she was very little that I was her biological mother and how lucky she was to have a mother that cared so much about her to do what I did.  I have seen/visited with her many times, she is now 7-1/2.  She voices how lucky she is to have 2 mommys, a birth mother and her mother.

Even after all this time it is still really hard only because I've always wanted children so giving her up was so hard.  The only thing that helps me is knowing that I did the right thing and having a family that supported my decision, and knowing that my daughter is with a family who is giving her the life I wanted to give her that she deserves.

If I wasn't able to do an open end adoption I know that I would have never gone thru with it...  Hope this helps.

Answer 15

We adopted our son and have an open adoption. His first family are like close friends or extended family, and we talk on the phone, email, and arrange visits when possible (we live in different states so visits are infrequent right now as our son isn't 2 yet)...it is no different a relationship, to us, than with our other out of state friends and family.

The biggest possible issue is that most states do not legally enforce open adoption agreements. There have been cases where the adoptive family ceases contact completely, and do so legally. Other times, the birth mother/parents disappear or cease contact. Both parties must be committed to the open adoption, and do what's best for the child not themselves.

I would urge your friend to read http://www.openadoptioninsight.org, written by a birthmother in an open adoption. While considering her options

I have known amazing single moms who managed to work, go to school, and raise great kids without any family support. There are programs available from the government, some universities, and volunteer organizations. Hard work, yes, school will take longer...but it can be done.

Answer 16

Open adoptions are wonderful (mostly for the child) but they require an enormous amout of work on the part of everyone involved in the triad.  

It must be very hard to be the mother & father of a child being raised by someone else.   Even though she would be involved in her child's life - she would have no decision making abilities.  

It will also be very hard to be the parent of a child who's first mother and father are part of you and your child's life and feel that they may be looking over your shoulder.

I know that birth mothers try to find people they like and who they feel will raise their child the best but let's be honest - there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

However, from what I've heard from experts - being in an open adoption situation is what is best for the child.

I strongly recommend your roommate find a counselor (preferably through the college).  DO NOT let her go to a counselor at an adoption agency - they will try very hard to color her decision.   She needs to get to the heart of this and see what she really wants and needs to do without any pressure from anyone.  Her boyfriend needs to go with her and they need to support each other 100%.

I wish your friend the best of luck