Please Read and CRITIQUE My Poem?

Question

"Bully"

While Jake and Chris were eating lunch,

Jake turned to Chris and frowned.

"There's something you should know." Jake said.

"You're ugly as a hound."

"You're pale as chalk, your lips are chapped.

Your hair's a mess, it's true.

I'd never walk around and look

As ugly as you do."

"Your pants are torn, your nails are chipped,

You smell just like the zoo.

No, I could never stand to live

A full day in your shoes."

"Your nose is big, your eyes are small,

You haven't got a clue..."

That if I had your self-esteem,

I'd gladly look like you.

Answer 1

It made me smile. Not frostian though, but don't quit. There are lots of types of poetry, this struck me as more Shel Silverstein. It's not bad. I'm guessing your young, so keep at it. Poetry grows in strength and virtue with the writer if you keep working at it.

Answer 2

95

I loved it! write a poetry book! i would buy it. It made me laugh and thats one of the best things you do to make a person do to like your poetry.

Answer 3

It's well done indeed. It's an excellent use of rhyme and imagery, and even more so because its so concise. I wouldn't grade it, but I definitely could see this being published in a children's magazine or anthology.

Answer 4

First of all I'd do "as ugly as you"

and I'd do " a fulll day with you" or "like you" not "in your shoes"

Answer 5

it was pretty funny and it showed the humourous side of u. Keep writing poem and it sounds like if u got deeper u would b pretty good. i'll give u a 50.

Answer 6

86.4567688076558023579975421135768533403... and 1/3

Answer 7

It's very cute and I like the ending and the fact that there was a message in it.  I can't give you any kind of real critique since you rhyme, structure, cadence are all excellent.  I don't believe anyone can critique content since that is subjective and you either like it or you don't.  I like the content, but  I'd like to see something a bit more serious from you because you definitely have a talent for writing poetry.

Therefore, If 100 = the next Robert Frost, I'm going to have to give you a 75.  However if you were a student of mine you would get an A+ in form and content.   You should never stop writing.   Well done.

Answer 8

You have me a little confused with the lines :

First you say:

"No, I could never stand to live

A full day in your shoes."

              then

That if I had your self-esteem,

I'd gladly look like you.

Which is it?  Do you want to or not? ♥