Please help me to understand?

Question

My husband is adopted..his biological mother was sent away to have him (the family wanted it hushed).She named the baby adopted him out and gave him a bible and rosary. Years later, he rang her and told her about his children(her biological grandchildren) and he gave her his address.She told him that she didn't want her husband (her present husband) to know about him. Now, I can understand upto this point....SHE THEN TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT SHE HAD A SON (THAT HE WAS HIS STEPBROTHER) SHE ALSO TOLD HIM THAT SHE NAMED HER SON, SAME NAME AS MY HUSBAND...CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THIS?...SHE NEVER WROTE OR KEPT CONTACT SINCE THEN AND MY HUSBAND WAS VERY POLITE AND NON QUESTIONING ON THE PHONE...

I would love if someone in a similar experience could shed some light..My husband has suffered depression because of all of this...I'm not blaming anyone, I just need some understanding..love you all for your answers..Merry Christmas

Answer 1

you know i'm not really sure how much help I could be on this one! Because I just don't understand ny of it! I understand some of the whole adoption parts cause hey been there. but the whole lying n just bein cold I don't understand how n why people are like that? it just... I don't know. I have a sister I never met nor will I ever I guess! her mother doesn't want anything to do with my dad's side of the family! why? what ever happened? they don't even know me... I think to myself... but I guess thats just how people are! so sad.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry for you and your husband.

Please read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, it will give you a better understanding of this generation of women.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Girls-Who-Went-A...

Also check out these sites:

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.com

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Answer 3

Did your husbands biological mom ask him to contact her, or did he find her and call out of the blue?  

It could be that the poor woman wanted to leave him in the past.  It's very difficult to give up a baby, her way of dealing with this situation must have been to just move on and start a new life.  To have him call her must have been very traumatic.

I know that as an adoptee, if my birth mother just called me out of the blue I would be very upset.  I don't want to have any contact with her, and wouldn't encourage any beyond that initial contact.  In fact when I ended the conversation I would probably tell her that.

Hurtful as it is, not everyone wants to have a relationship with the child they gave up or the parents that gave them up.  My advice to your husband is to move on and enjoy his life.

Answer 4

Witout knowing more details it is hard to say for sure, but narcissism abounds in our society, and IMNSHO mothers who continue to deny contact surely exhibit narcissistic character traits.

I have no sympathy whatsoever for women who do this.

I am very sorry for your husband, but glad he has a compassionate and understanding wife.

Please direct your husband to the links provided above.

Answer 5

I've answered in your other question - my story is there.

It happens a lot. It happened to me.

It hurts like h**l.

Those of us that find rejection the second time around find it very hard to cope. Your husband is NOT alone.

We were given away by our own mothers at birth (ouch) - then when we try to find them we get rejected once more (double ouch!)

And often we are not allowed to even get to know other family members because of the guilt and the fears that our mothers hold tight - mostly which are unfounded - but they were told so many lies when they gave us away - it's hard to undo so many years of damage.

You've been given some good sites & books to read up on.

(I needed to research the era and read a heap - to try to come to an understanding of what went on during that time)

Also - your husband may benefit from seeking out a support group. I have found that finding others in similar circumstances to be very healing. Knowing that I'm not alone in what I am feeling - making me feel less of a freak.

As an adult - I know there are reasons behind things - but the little child inside gets really badly hurt sometimes.

A good online support group can be found here -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Set up by adoptees for adoptees.

And my story of trying to search out and reunite with my first family can be found here - (it's an ongoing saga!)

http://chezblot.blogspot.com/

And there are many links to other adoptee and first mother blogs in the right column - just click - and a list will appear.

I'm sorry that your husband is hurting so bad from this.

I completely know what that means.

Answer 6

Very hard to deal with....she may have problems with depression herself...it does run in families. My ex was left at the age of three by his Mother...he never saw her again and she had another family...she called once...he nevr wanted to speak to her though....he had to move on for his own sanity, he just accepted that some Mothers are not meant to be.

Answer 7

Below is an address of a very good adoptee/social worker/author who may help your husband gain some perspective.

My guess is that she was very devastated by losing him, and *tired* to heal her hurt by pretending or deluding herself that she were able to replace her lost baby.

Point your hubby to an adoptee support group PRONTO....being with others who have been abandoned is healing. For once our loss is understood.

Answer 8

I had something very similar that happened to a good friend of mine.  And you know...the truth is...if you are going to go seeking out or trying to have a relationship with your bio parents you have to mentally prepare yourself for the ugliness that you could possibly find.

Many adoptees although not aborted, are essentially ended in the minds of the bio parents once they are given up for adoption.  Many bio parents don't want the memory of all that happened and they want to replace what happened with something that they can relate to and be proud of...hence the son with the same name as your husband.

Obviously, your husband needs therapy.  He is depressed and needs to come to terms with his adoption and the new found information about his bio Mom.

Answer 9

I'm sorry that your family, especially your husband, is going through this.  This is very difficult for everyone, I understand that.  

To shed some light on this, you need to understand the culture that produced his mother's feelings.  She was made to feel like she could never be a decent mother because she had committed a great sin and crime - getting pregnant out of wedlock.  In the 1940s and 1950s, this simply was not done by "decent" people.  The society exerted so much pressure on people to conform that her parents actually sent their own daughter away because they thought she had shamed the entire family.  The home she went to more than likely reinforced this attitude, no matter how damaging it ended up being for the young women.  From all sides, she was being told that she could not possibly be a decent mother because she had s*x before marriage.  

She more than likely named your husband's stepbrother the same name because she was trying to replace him in her life and heart.  But it never succeeded and it never will.

If you can, read the book The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.  It sheds A LOT of light on the society who forced these young women to give their children away and on how some of them managed to cope with that.  It may help you and your husband to understand his biological mother's position and the image that she's still trying to uphold.  

Best of luck!

~Raja

Answer 10

I'm so sorry for your husband. I understand completely; my mother as well denied contact to me when I called. I have two younger siblings whom I believe do not know about me.

I would urge him to visit all of the link in the answers above, and most especially to read the book The Girls Who Went Away. It puts a lot of perspective on the time and feelings of mothers. I'd also suggest this article:

Why Won't My Mother Meet Me?"

by Carole Anderson

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts horribly. It's almost incomprehensible. The best thing he could do would be to find support among other adoptees.

Answer 11

she sounds like she is scared to have contact with him. i would take this as he meant so much her that she gave the only respect she could to him, naming another child after him. she isnt strong enough to devlop a relationship, but she obviously thinks of him.

this really is odd.

tell your husband to not allow something that has nothing to do with him hurt him. the decision was hers, not his. the demons he is fightting are her demons, he does not have to make sense of it. i dont think there is any sense to this one.

he is his own man, he need not try to figure out someone elses problems. i know why my birthmother gave me up and i respect her for it. i thank her quite often. it sounds like your husband birthmother is an emotionally weak person. its not a bad thing necessarily, not everyone can be strong. but he is putting her problems in his own lap, thats not fair to him.

as much as it may hurt this may be one of those stories that he would be better off ending. i wish i could say it will get better, but it sounds as though this is it.

just love him, he needs to feel that right now. i am so truly sorry for what he is feeling, i hope he sees that her problems need not be his.

good luck

Answer 12

She's obviously some kind of catholic.

She hasn't told her husband anything about the adoption.

She doesn't want her son to know.

She has warped beliefs from another time.

I would contact her son.

Who cares what she thinks.

Her ideas are not valid and have no bearing on

whether her son would like to meet his brother.