Please some advice

Question

I wass in a relationship with my daughters father he was mentally abusing and controlling me every day. I was pregnant with my second daughter when he started being physically abusive toward me. At that point i had no self esteem i was not allowedd to work couldn't even visit my family. One night he tried to hit my daughter as she yelled at him not to hurt her mummy. That was the last straw we left. I have since got an AVO so he cannot contact us. My question is i feel like I'm in a hole and dont know where to start to piece my life back together. ( i have my daughter in counseling and my baby was born healthy) AM i doing the wrong thing by not letting My baby meet her father? What effects will this have on them to not have a father?

Answer 1

aww. Its not too late for them to have a father. I know it hurts especially when you focus on it a lot. But you have to do what is best. It would hurt them worse to have him in thier lives. Maybe you could suggest him going to counceling and anger managment, and setting up supervised visits with more than just your self around while he is visiting.

Answer 2

I am sure as your child grows up they will more than understand that you wanted to protect them and not allow someone to hurt them.So many people out there have crappy dads or not one at all. I am sure the child will grow up just fine. Just be open and honest.  

Answer 3

a strong mum that protects them is the better mum cause they don't grow up having bad memories of their protector you being hit and their other protector their father hurting them too

you have been so brave getting to where you are now! don't stop woman. don't give him the chance to reel you back in. there are so many kind men out there that need a good woman

Answer 4

you're doing the right thing. stay away from your husband for awhile. maybe you two can talk about your problem..

Answer 5

Hi,

You have come a long way and you are obviously strong.  I guess you must be at a low point and probably feeling guilty. He still seems to have some power over you.   Am I right so far?

If your daughter is in counselling what message would you be giving her if you allowed the ex back into your life at this time?

Perhaps you could speak to the counsellor who is helping your daughter and get some insights.

I am not saying that your baby should never see her father but perhaps you should be thinking of some ground rules or at least some effort on the baby's father to get some help or have supervised access visits.

I have been in a similar situation to you but I never went back.  I am happily remarried and my ex has not changed and is still abusing women and his other children.  A leopard never changes its spots.

I think this time follow your head and not your heart.  Good luck to you and your family though.

Answer 6

What a brave and strong woman you are.Stay away from him, yours and your childrens safety is the most important thing in the world.Don't let that selfish idiot bring you down,he hasn't earned the right to be a father to those children and a single loving parent wins hands down over two parents in an abusive relationship.You go girl.

Answer 7

Having no father is better than having an abusive father. If you feel like your kids need a 'father' figure, look in your life for men that you feel are good role models, like a father, brother, uncle, friend, etc.

Protect yourself and your kids legally. Get full legal custody of the kids. The court may grant him the right to visit the kids with the presence of a social worker.  

Answer 8

I don't think it would affect them half as bad as meeting them-protect your children at all costs. You will know what to do it won't be hard-the problem will only be if you decide to second guess yourself.  

Answer 9

No her daddy is a coward... soon when your baby grows up he  or she will thank you because my daddy never use to treat my mom well and till this day my mom is my mom and my father i dont need him and i thank my mom she left him. Try your best to be happy and have peace...be real cool with your kids and show them they dont need no one else but they mommy,,,they soon will thank you...its worse going to be worse if you let them keep seen their dad abusing you. Try to get back in touch with your family and the people that love you the most and if he really wants to see the kids he has to see them when one of your family members is around  

Answer 10

Congratulations on being a brave and protective Mum, Nay Nay.  It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a controlling and abusive relationship, and you have taken a huge leap toward restoring your shattered self esteem.

Go and get some support for yourself through your local Women's Health community centre. It might surprise you to discover just how many other women have been in the same position and their support will help you to become a stronger person for both yourself and your children.

Your children's father lost the right to contact with his children when he physically abused your daughter.  He has proven that he cant control himself around the children and that in itself will put them in physical danger if he has access.  You have an AVO in place, and that will keep him away unless you chose to contact him.

If he choses to contest custody or fight for access visits then you will need to draw on your resources again and fight for the safety of your children.  Your daughter is already having counselling.

Always be honest with your children, allow them to come to you with questions and answer them truthfully.  But try very hard not to put your hatred of your partner on to them, they will want to know about their Dad in the future it's only natural for them to ask questions.

Good luck for the future for all of you.  You've earned it.

Just don't make the mistake that many women do - Don't go back to him, he won't change, no matter how much he promises and how hard he cries.  They never do!

Answer 11

It's amazing how much your child will remember especially if it was traumatic but at times it won't be a bad thing it might make them mor understanding. I still remember when my mum had a fight with my uncle I was probably about 5 or younger and he became violent and I quickly rushed out to protect her as well. I actually feel more resentment to him even now. But it taought me that men hiting wome is a no no and can see the results of it. Whatever you do don't go back to him or else she'll think it was normal and might get into a violent relationship herself and accept it as normal.

I'm glad you left when you did for the betterment of you and your family.

You will feel lonely and it will be hard to adjust. Since your baby was just born have you tried going to playgroups? increasing your social circle will improve your self esteem a lot and you might find a good friend or two ^^