Question about adopted children?

Question

ok i'm an adoptive parent and after reading several questions and answers on here i have many questions. more than i had before the adoption now. i take no offense to answers, unless you're just being obviously mean. my daughter is almost 2 and starting to really understand things and know different people so i'm wanting to start making her adoption a positive thing for her. it's an open adoption, one where we keep in touch through letters, phone calls, pics and visits. we adopted her as a newborn, were involved in dr's visits, sonograms and even were present at her birth. my husband cut the cord and i was the first one to hold and feed her. she has known nothing but our love and home from the beggining. so for my questions.....i'll try to keep the questions short and to the point.

Answer 1

Perhaps you can refer to her birthmother if you all are fine with her just calling her by her first name stick with it. Perhaps later on you might add Aunt on.

As far as family member unless they actual know the question she is asking, they should just direct her to ask Mommy or Daddy.

For rude people who ask something like that just say “Yes she is” and walk away.

Answer 2

Thanks for caring about her inner life.  Too many adoptive parents refuse to acknowledge it.

Here's what you said:

"i've seen people on here use terms like real parents and even one person say of course someone's husband wants children of HIS own and NOT someone elses. she is my real daughter, we are her real parents. i am the one that went through colic with her, kiss her boo boo's right now and at her age she doesn't know any different"

I am one of the people who has said that about husbands.  That is actually the truth, not an opinion.  Most men want children that they are biologically related to.  Adoption is driven by women.  You DH might be an exception, and therefore in the minority.  

You sound like a mom who's trying.  But I gotta tell ya, in my experience I have never heard natural parents whine about the JOB as much as I hear APs.  "I had to stay up with them because of the colic, ear infections, school projects, had to sew their costumes, do the school project." Yada yada.

PLEASE do not weigh her down with that garbage.  You signed up for this job--remember?  You CHOSE it.  Her only way to pay you back is by the pleasure of her company--and that's all she should OWE you.

Just as you wouldn't complain to your boss, "Yeah, well I'm the one who has to do x, y, AND z.  They might remind you that that is your job.

No one owes their parents anything--adopted or not.

And you're right, right NOW she doesn't know any different, but she will, I assure you.

Again, thanks for caring enough to ask.

Answer 3

I'm not sure what your question is?

But my 5yr old brother is adopted and we are family.  Not once does it ever feel like he's not ours!  He feels the love wholeheartedly and so do we.  We're not even from the same racial background!

I'm sure your daughter will be curious but more than anything, love you to pieces.  YOU are her family!

Answer 4

ok, what is the question?

Answer 5

Glad I saw this one on here:) We adopted our daughter from our necie.For now our daughter knows her as an aunt. When the time is right we will tell her how she bcame our daughter. Maybe you can do the same.Right now, a two year old no matter how smart she may be, doesnt know. So,maybe you can call her an aunt until she is older and you can tell her how she became your daughter and REMEMBER that no matter what goes on in your life our hers, YOU are THE MOM!!!!!!!!!! And dont pay attention to people on her. Sometimes you get answers that are way out of line. :):):)

Answer 6

Ok..

My son calls me Mom and his birthmother Mama  We started out with " Mama X" but when he was two he started calling everyone by their first names, and I don't feel that that is apropriate for a child, so we agreed on " Mama" and "Mommy"

You can help her with her abandonment issues by allowing her to keep in contact with her other family, letting her ask questions where she will get first hand answers, and NEVER lying or guessing.

Family members should direct her to you.. " That's a question I don't know the answer to.. you'll have to ask your mom." unless it's a basic question like " do you know where I came from?" in which case, see the above answer.

YES.  There is a huge difference between always speaking with love and honesty about her mom, and putting her on a pedestal.

It's not bad to keep people from maligning your daughter's other mom, but if you disagree with choices she is making , it is important to be clear with your daughter about that as she gets older.

Feeling good about herself is something she will have to do for herself.  you can help, but don't over do it.  sometimes kids wonder who you are trying to convince.. them or yourself?

Those idiots in the grocery store?  the answer is "of course she is."  

"real"  how I hate that word.  Ain't NONE of us imaginary, folks!

Answer 7

The question?

Answer 8

Okay first off-never ever call your daughter a gift! I so resent that term. Being adopted i personally feel that i wasnot  a gift. instead i feel that my birth mother made a choice to provide the best life possible in her way. She chose two people that would provide my physical needs and also emtional needs. My adoptive mother too always spoke highly of my birth mother. i didn't have an open adoption in the terms you have described above. In my open adoption i just knew who she was, who my other family members were. She couldn't have many visits because of the lifestyle she was living at the time. but we did live in a small town, so when she saw me in my stroller my adoptive mom would let her come over and see me. if any of my other realtives came along my adoptive mom would let them see me.  You need to tell her that her mom made a choice that was hard but she wanted the most for her and circumstances in her life did not allow her to do this at this time. explain to her that does not mean in any means that her mother loved her less or does not love. Re-assure her of her mother's love. Of course there will still be times were your daughter will be dealing with alot of emtions as we normally do being adopted. Just be there for her and encourage open communciation with her. You will not always understand why she feels this way-but having that honest and open communciation will allow her to express her feelings.

Answer 9

I was also adopted to my parents at birth and grew up having a book called "Mr Fairweather and his friends" read to me.  It is about a couple who adopt two children because they couldn't have kids of their own.  (But it is in terms that kids could understand) It was a great help and felt a natural part of growing up with it.

I also had any questions answered that I might ask and it was all kept VERY open. So I always felt VERY loved.

When I met my biological mother it felt natural to call her by her first name and she agreed to this. I have fairly regular contact with her still, but, my parents will never be replaced because I love them dearly and feel very lucky that they have always been very open with me about my adoption.

I hope that this might help somehow.

Your daughter is very lucky to have aprents like you.

Answer 10

Hi there! I'm glad you are asking these types of questions. When I first became an adoptive parent I didn't know everything, heck I still don't, and I'm an adoptee too. I'll do my best to answer your questions the best I can.

"how should we refer to her other family members. her biological ones?"

I would refer to them as what they are, her family. I've never met anyone who was confused at having more than one mom or dad. Lots of people I know have step fathers (I have a step dad myself) and I've never heard of anyone going "oh man, I can't remember which one raised me!" I mean, she doesn't have to call you both Mommy, but I don't think she would be any more confused about having her bio mom be referred to as "your other mom" or "your mom Sarah" or you can be Mommy and she can be Mama or something. I was raised by my grandparents, my dad's parents, and I called them Nanny and Papa, and called my parents Mom and Dad even though I never saw my mom and my dad only on holidays. It never confused me as to who was who. It didn't make me love my grandparents any less. I am GLAD my mom has always been my mom, even though I didn't know her. As for aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, grandparents, I would call them what they are too. Aunt Janice, your cousin Lisa, etc.

"how can we help her not to feel she was ever unwanted or abandoned? obviously she was very loved to begin with or her mother would not have made the decision for the adoption."

I'm not sure anything anyone said could've made me feel like my mother wanted me. She gave me away, actions speak louder than words. Thats just me though, there are other adoptees out there who don't feel that way. Your daughter could be like me or like them. I don't like the "obviously your mom loved you a lot because she gave you up for adoption" stuff. I mean, to me its like saying obviously your husband loved you, thats why he divorced you. It just doesn't compute, you know? It also makes us, er, some of us?, think that if my first mother loved me so much she left me forever, does that mean everyone else who loves me will leave me also? Now THAT is confusing.

"how can we instruct family and friends that are in constant contact with our daughter how to best talk to her about it should she ask them questions?"

Uhm, I would ask them to just tell the truth.

"is it possible to put her other mother on too high of a pedastal?"

Well, you don't want to be too obviously gushy and fake about it certainly. Your child will be able to see through it and wonder whats really going on. But I mean, talk nicely about her and don't run her down to your daughter like you are doing. If its all very natural it shouldn't be an issue. I liked being told I did ____ like my mom or my _____ resembled my mom's. It made me feel connected.

"i want her to feel good about herself and how she came to be our daughter.

how can i best do this?"

Be honest with her, let her talk about all of her feelings positive or negative, don't expect her to be grateful for being an adoptee, don't try to be a rival to her first family its not a competition, give her as much of her personal history as you can good or bad, let her form relationships with her other family, acknowledge her loss and grief for losing her other family, realize that some things might be difficult or painful for her regardless of how wonderful a mother you are or how well adjusted she is.

"i've seen people on here use terms like real parents and even one person say of course someone's husband wants children of HIS own and NOT someone elses. she is my real daughter, we are her real parents. i am the one that went through colic with her, kiss her boo boo's right now and at her age she doesn't know any different. "

I hate the "real parent" debate. Titles don't mean anything. You are both real parents in my opinion. No matter what you call yourself, her love for both of you will be the same. Like Shakespeare says, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Now, don't get me wrong, I do understand where you are coming from because my sister in law has told me numerous times that I should've tried to have a real kid instead of adopting my two youngest, as if my 2 adopted kids aren't real?? But what I am saying it try not to get too hung up on titles. Your daughter is not ever going to go "oh hey, someone called my first mom my real mom...that means my amom is my fake mom and I have to love my first mom and hate my amom! Like I said earlier, I called my aparents Nanny and Papa and my parents (that I didn't know at all) mom and dad and it never changed how much I loved my grandparents.

"how can i best deal with insensitive people?"

http://www.informedadoptions.com/index.p...

"how do you deal with the person in the grocery store that says how beautiful she is and then asks "is she yours?" "

I usually just say "yes" smile and walk off.

I hope this has helped you some. If you have any more questions, please ask them.

ETA: I forgot the last part of your post -

"i don't want her to ever for a moment feel she doesn't belong to her family, either of them."

There is this thing that I like to refer to as family fluency. You know how if you spoke another language as a child, like my daughter who spoke cantonese for the first 2 1/2 years of her life for instance, and then you were removed from hearing and speaking the language and started learning a different language, you would begin to lose your fluency. You would have trouble remembering how to say the words, it wouldn't come naturally to you anymore. Later in life if you wanted you could try learning the language again, but it would not be the same as when you knew it was a child. It wouldn't be natural, it wouldn't be easy, you'd really have to struggle to learn it and put in a lot of hard work. You might become fluent again, you might never get to where you were as a child no matter how hard you tried. You might even give up. This is what it is like, for me and other adoptees I know, when we lose our first family fluency. I've struggled and struggled, but I'm just not "fluent" in my first family anymore and it hurts. Open adoptions are great for this, but it has to be more than just cards, phone calls and birthday parties. Thats what I got from my dad growing up and I don't feel "fluent" with him at all. If you want her to feel like she truly belongs in both families, to be "fluent" in both, she needs to form real relationships with them.

Answer 11

Ok...first of all, I commend you on having an open adoption, it is something I cannot have (because my children were adopted through foster care) because of their birth mother's consistent poor choices.

Simple explanations for a 2 year old will suffice.

Where did I come from?  You were born in my heart, but you came from X's tummy.

Who is my mom?  I am your mom, but X is your birth mom.

What do I call her?  If X is fine with being called X,  then let it stay X.  I think referring to her as her birth mother this early would confuse her.

Why didn't X keep me?  X loved you so much, and realized she couldn't take care of you like she wanted you to be when she had you, so she asked us to become your parents because we were able to be the best parents for you at the time.  You have always been loved and wanted by X and us.

As for putting birth mom on too high of a pedestal.  Only you know what X has gone through...and while you should never focus on the negative, eventually (more likely 10 and upwards) she'll want to know more about why she was given away.  If you still have a positive relationship with X, then let X explain, it is her story to tell.

I hope any of this has been helpful to you.

Answer 12

An adopted child is not a gift or a blessing...an adopted child is a human being.

My advice, don't tell her she is "special", or was "chosen", everyone always thinks that will make the adopted child feel so good about themselves.

In actuality,  it's way to much freaking pressure to put on a kid to have to live up to being the "special, chosen, precious, darling, blessed gift", and that your "Biological" mother loved you SO MUCH, that she gave you away....

uh, yeah, that makes so much sense to a little kid....not.

The truth of the matter is that YOU wanted a kid to fulfill YOUR needs, and the Bio parents gave the kid up to fulfill THEIR needs.  The poor kid had no say in it, and you should spend the rest of your lives acknowledging this fact to her in order to validate why she's not entirely as ecstatic as everyone thinks she should be about the situation.  This may help her get over the wound of having been given away.

And, yes, I was adopted.  And, yes, I am bitter so bring on all the thumbs down...you're all in denial.

Answer 13

you're a very thoughtful, caring, and honorable person. she's only 2. you're getting too worried. if someone ask if she's yours, if you learn to be positive about it, so will your child. if you get angry, she will too. make a joke of it.

never talk badly about the other mom. if there are some negatives, she will figure it out. be real. treat her as you would your own sister. watch what you say about her. don't put ANYONE on a pedestal. i teach my child to watch what a person does, not what they say. actions speak louder than words.

this culture is screwy when it comes to adoption. we can have more than one brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparents... but GOD FORBID, THERE CAN'T BE 2 mom's. in other some other cultures there are more than one. the other one is obviously the first / natural mom. you would be "mom" or whatever floats everyone's boat. it will come naturally and the child will come up with the name. they do for the grandparents.

everything is fine and you're doing a great job. i applaud you for honoring your agreement with the first mom. most don't.

best wishes.

Answer 14

You've been given some great replies here.

I do also agree that you should forever stop the talk about what you did when you raised her. All parents have to do those things. Get on with the job - and NEVER NEVER make her have to be grateful.

It was never her plan to be taken from her mother - and placed with complete strangers.

You and her first mother chose that life path. Please do not make your daughter be indebted to any of you for that.

I will direct you to adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Read as many as you can. It is there - if you read with an open heart and mind - that you will find many of the answers to the questions you seek.

Your little adoptee WILL have some issues over her losses.

Children WANT to stay with their mummies. The mummies they grew inside of for 9 months - the mummies that they are biologically linked to - forever.

You can't take that loss away.

But allowing your daughter full and open contact - and allowing her to talk about and ask questions about her adoption - are ways in which you will lesson the pain of the losses.

Please also be aware - that adoptees learn from a very young age - how to please everyone around them. They fear rejection - so they'll do all that they can to tell you what you want to hear.

Be open, be compassionate, love her with all of your heart.

Good luck. I wish you all well.

Answer 15

these people are nuts, i see about 5 questions!! I think that you should allow her to keep her biological mother in her life as you stated, but DO not forget that you are her mommy. I think that she will grow to know that you are her mom, but she still respects the woman who gave birth to her. Its very noble that you think so highly of the birth mother, but as for keeping her too high on a pedastel, im not sure that thats really possible. This woman gave you the greatest gift of all time. It would be hard NOT to hold her to high standards. Just dont make her the topic of EVERY conversation. You daughter will turn out wonderfully and i wish there were ppl who would adopt, like you.

And as for the "is she yours".....just say yes, dont you see the resemblence!! She looks just like me when i was a baby:) thats just ignorance for ppl to ask that. But for real, Of course she is yours. you raised her as a newborn, and you will raise her to become an adult.

Answer 16

I dont see any questions.

Answer 17

Just make sure you let her know you choose her.  and you love her and love her from the beginning.    she needs to know you are mommy and your husband is daddy. and the other bio.....could not keep her and they loved her so much they wanted her to have the best chance and it was with you.  and start maybe by telling her that you choose her. you choose ot love not like a natural parent wher you have to love but you choose her and you choose to love her that makes her extra special.  I hope I am making since here.  All children are special and natural parents should love there children not all do but I commend you for loving her and she needs to know just how special she is .  Dont wait until she is grown to tell her.  Start now by reinforceing to her you choose her and she is extra special.

Answer 18

disclose  her adoption after attaining  age of 18