Question about step kids and acceptence?

Question

i have been with my man for a little over a year... his daughters, 7 and almost 5 years old, adore me... for the first several months, they knew me as dad's best friend... then, as time progressed, i became the girlfriend, and after a while, we would share a small kiss in front of them... they have never had any issues with anything and we dont live together.. well, he stays at my house only on the nights he doesnt have the kids... they know we sleep in the same bed when they are with their mother, they always ask to talk to me and my dog whenever they are on the phone... we all eat dinner together, and spend lots of time together, and go places... they help me cook and clean (they ask to help) and we play and we relax and watch tv and the normal family stuff... we're all pretty close.. and maybe i am overreacting, because they are so young, and i am sure they dont really understand the concept of girlfriend (we do plan on getting married, its just not the right time, hence the reason for the question and concern) but it seems lately as if they are pushing me away... for example, the little one, she doesnt really respect me as an adult.. like, she often says to me, "you're not the boss. daddy is..." and then she needs to be reminded by daddy that if he's not around, then they are to listen to me... i always deffer to him when he is around, if they do something wrong, but if he's not, then someone has to take care of them... the older one thinks i am her personal play doll, and my sole purpose is to play with her every waking moment... and thats cool, but if i say no, not right now, or anything, she pouts like i am a horrible person.. i am sure she doesnt do that to her mother... and when talking on the concept of drink sharing, i told her that i only share food and drinks with my family and she says, "but i'm not your family." while i know she's right, the statement killed me... he took them on a 2 week vacation to italy and we were talking on the web cam.. the oldest one got on and jokingly said, "we're never coming home.." and i was like, "oh, thats awesome, so now, i get to move there to be with you guys..." and she said, "well, whose gonna let you? someone has to let you come here?" i dont get it? in the past, she would have said something like, "yea yea, come here!!!" but now, whose gonna let you? now, i have been here taking care of their house and their dog and all that... when i talked to my man about it, he was like, "they're just worried about whose gonna take care of the animals, they dont realize that if that really happened, the dogs would come too..." but still, it seems unlikely... i dunno, maybe i'm overreacting... will they ever accept me as family or an adult or whatever? i thought things were golden for a while, now it seems like they have transgressed.... any thoughts or suggestions?

Answer 1

Once again, heres a perfect example of why parents should wait till their children are older prior to getting involved in a relationship. Your boyfriend & yourself may have to slow down this relationship in order to make for more adjustment time for the kids. Children this young dont think like we do, you can try & sit down & talk with them till your blue in the face & they simply wont get it, & why should they? Its not that they find you a threat or dont like you, they have just had their family broken up & most likely confused. If you really want this to work, your gonna have to give it some space & time, if you dont the children will be the ones who pay the price in the end.

Answer 2

Your not over reacting, Something is happening. The kids realize you are with their Dad. When they see their dad they want to be first. Dad and you need to sit and talk about all the feelings and how Dad is going to teach them that your feelings and words are very important. When children start saying your not the boss type things. They know that you are but are waiting for the response from you, the dad and the mom.You need to be calm and clearly show them that you are the responsible adult. Dad needs to re enforce that. But he should be doing that whenever possible. Maybe not directly but by teaching and grooming the children. Nothing worst than to have dad go to children and say you need to listen, she is my girlfriend That's how she wants it. If I were you I would suggest counseling. Unfortunately people look at that as what I am not doing a good job? It's just good to get choices andd learn to say want you want properly. Good luck it is a long road.If you all do this right, meaning the mom, dad and you the kids will look back and realize how fortunate to have you, mom and Dad.

Answer 3

I honestly think their mother has a part in this. Why is it now that they're starting to show out? I don't suggest that you tell them, I'm an adult and show me some d**n respect. Their father has to sit with them and tell them, here's a special woman in my life and she will be for a long time, she's not your friend or your sister, or the babysitter, and you have to show her some respect- their father should speak to them about their behavior.  

Answer 4

I am sure they are just as confused as you are hun, and you are probably (understandably so) trying way too hard for them to accept you. People (kids included) treat you how you let them treat you, if you have been at their beck and call they are going to take that for granted, respect has to be earned. They now have thier Daddy time and their Mommy time, and maybe feel as though you are invading that somehow and are acting out a bit. It was probably as though you were a friend at the beginning to them as well, and well they are seeing just how close of a friend you are to their Father and are reacting, you were lucky to have it go smooth at the beginning these situations are always so hard to get through, they aren't old enough to understand so they just may see you as the reason their parents aren't together and now that they've figured out you and him are more than friends, they are probably trying to understand .  

Answer 5

Sounds like the honeymoon portion with the kids is over.  Children, like adults, but their best behavior forward in the beginning.  Then as time goes on they relax and act how they want.  

As for not wanting to listen to you, that too is normal.  I work in an elementary school and deal with this everyday.  They are very young and still learning respect.

While on vacation, they have daddy all to themselves.  What kid doesn't like that?  If you were to join them, they'd have to share him with you.  Also at this age little girls are in love with daffy.  Many even get jealous of their own mothers.

You sound like you're very loving, attentive, level headed and doing things right.  Give them time and try not to take all the things they do so personally.  Have your boyfriend and maybe their mother talk to them about showing respect and not hurting the feelings of others.  Good luck to you and keep up the good work.  

Answer 6

You are their father's girlfriend, not a wife, not their mother.  They are testing their boundaries as all children do.  Lot's of kids would say to any adult that their father is the boss, not them.  You are reading too much into it and taking it way too personally.  

Answer 7

Plain and clear: You will have to be very dumb to want to marry your boyfriend and fool to want to become the step mother of those two.

Run! Run! And don't stop running until they can't reach  you. You deserve a man with no kids. You can do it.  

Answer 8

my "guess" is that their mother is telling them they don't have to listen to you, she probably feeds the girls c**p in their heads when they go back home to her =(...  

you need to talk to your man about this, he needs to have a talk with the girls about this...  and set them straight...  if he doesn't, he will lose you (I would not stay with him if he didn't handle this properly), the girls will think they don't have to listen to ANY adults, let alone you...  this could be a long process, re-training the girls to respect you, I am sure their mother has been doing this for a longggggggg time, brainwashing them, now, sigh =(...

try to be patient, as long as your man is setting them straight...

Answer 9

You maybe having the step mother jitters and it may not be their mother after all. If she has moved on with her life,I kinda of doubt it.

Just don't jump at her yet, because that could make matters even worst.  For every negative thing they say you try a positive or two, it may even take a couple of positives.  Like instead of saying great I get to move over there say what would I do with out y'all. Make them feel you need them in your life, if you intend on being with their father for a lifetime and that's what it sounds like.  I'm not saying let them run over you and disrespect you, you have to draw  the line on that  

Answer 10

I agree with it's me again. Somewhere the girls are getting the idea that you don't matter. Speak to your partner about it and then have a family meeting. Discuss with your partner when it is ok for you to interject while he's present. If he lets you take the lead while he's there instead of in his absence it will make an positive impact. eg Daddy can I go play? Why don't you go ask Bella if it's anything else she needs you to do. When she asks tell her to take out the bathroom garbage(or some or small task). after shes done tell her nice job etc. and now its ok to go play. so she sees the parental power being shared.

Answer 11

well i am only 14 so ill do my best becuz i am a step child to my moms man.for this their can be a couple reasons like maybe their mother iz telling them things.or maybe you acted like their friend other than a strong hand.or maybe their going through the i want mom and dad back together phase.i also did this i waz okay wit him at first but i never liked knowing their iz another man with my mother,and that sooner or later they will want a child to them selves and we will have to deal wit a  new baby.so really u ur man and the girls need to get together and tell them that u guys are planning to get married and have children.so nothin pops up on short notice and they got in their mind that ur hear to stay

Answer 12

Sounds like a phase. I'd sit down together and have a family meeting. Let them know what is acceptable and what is not.  

Answer 13

Don't start believing that their mom is putting this into their heads!  They are young and just acting like normal kids.  Any kid would say "you are not the boss of me" if they are reprimanded by anyone other than a parent.   Kids go through phases like you described and all you can do is continue to have a close relationship with them and not try and act like a mother replacement.  If you push too hard it is when they will start saying things like that.  They may totally get the concept you are dad's girlfriend and will be around permanently and are just feeling jealous  and threatened and are acting out.  Give it time and things will settle down.  Believe me even the sweetest child has phases where they are little brats!  Get used to this if you are going to be their step mom one day and try not to take it too personally.  As for the pouting if you don't play with the one kid 24/7 my kids used to do the same thing so I am guessing that they most certainly are like this with their own mother too.  Don't start to believe they are perfect little angels with their mom and saving this negative behaviour for you.  

Answer 14

i think their mom may be putting c**p into their little brains as well. also, get out of the habit of turning to him when they do something wrong because they need to know that you and their dad are on the same team. you can only show them that by correcting them in the presence of their dad. your boyfriend seems to be supportive,which makes a huge difference. I think that gives you more of a reason to keep hanging in there. good luck!