Reassuring his b-mom?

Question

Does anyone else have a STRONG URGE to help their childs b-family? I feel that I need to help in any way possible, but I know I can't. I pass down my sons things for her baby, but she tells me that I've helped enough by taking her sick son (even tough I know millions of people would have loved to have him in their lives too).

She feels guilty for hurting him and she feels that SHE owes ME 'cause she knows that he needs lots of care and has lots of medical costs. I wish I could councel her in some way. I don't care about his illnesses, I love him and am incredibly greatful for him.

How do I assure her that just having him in our lives is such a blessing reguradless of his health, that's just his body, not who he is and we have no regrets

Answer 1

Yes, I feel this way.  When we met with my daughter's first mother (international adoption, so we're not able to communicate regularly, although occasional pics and correspondence is exchanged.)  Our daughter also had a special need that played a big role in her relinquishment.  When we met our daughter's birthmother and she thanked us for taking care of her daughter, I felt like such a worm, because I was being thanked when she was the one enduring a loss.   I have times where it is harder than others, like my daughter's birthday.  You can't live her life for her, though.  It is her grief to grieve.  What you can do is be the best parent you can to her child, acknowledge her importance to your son and keep the connection open.

Answer 2

"She feels guilty for hurting him and she feels that SHE owes ME 'cause she knows that he needs lots of care and has lots of medical costs."

This is grief work.  Even if your son was healthy and not a burden medically, she would still feel she owes you.  There are a lot of things that I am grateful for when it comes to my son's adoptive parent, but that early gratefulness was grief work in the form of feeling like I owed a debt to his parents for taking him into their house when I felt so inadequate.  

Part of those feelings come from the whole adoptive parents are the best people ever, and birthparents are foolish gits propaganda that society gives out, but mostly it's pure raw grief work being done and how it's pouring out of her.

There is nothing that you really need to do to reassure her.  She knows he is in a good place and really that has nothing to do with her grief work anyways.  Plural emotions of birthparents are hard to grasp early on, but it's just like what you and Erin are talking about with regards to the conflicted feelings you feel in return.

Answer 3

Just keep reassuring her.  She is feeling guilty because you took on what she probably still feels was her responsibility.  Love him.  Keep assuring him and her both that you love him as he is.

Answer 4

contrary to what people on this site wish to believe, many of us "anti-adoption" trolls, actually appreciate the roads to adoption that you, BPD-wife and cowboy_fan have taken.  IMO, the three of you ladies represent the true tenants of adoption--to help a needy child.

help, however, can be perceived many ways.  some people are humbled by it, others feel embarrassed. some are exploitive (which i don't think is the case here at all), and yet some feel that the help is misplaced.

from what you described as her reaction, it seems clear that she has a tremendous amount of guilt and gratitude towards the situation.  as such, it appears as if she's struggling with how best to balance her complex feelings: in other words, she feels the gratitude for you providing a life to her son, she couldn't, juxtaposed with you also assisting her with her new child, based on your gratitude for her allowing her son to be raised by you.  all i see is a lot of gratitude...and that's hot!!!

i don't think you've made any missteps; yet, it might simply be that she's struggling with her own feelings.

the love you have for her child is probably the most reassurance you can give her....and i'm sure she's well aware of all you've done.

take care.

Answer 5

I wish I knew you  you are an angel be happy that you have done enough

Answer 6

<3 U.

I think you are an awesome mother, an awesome person and obviously an awesome friend to this woman.

Just wanted to let ya know :^*