Review my College Essay...please?

Question

This is a rough draft for a general essay I'm going to submit to a couple schools that simply ask about me or why I want to join them. I'm looking to go into TV/Film production.

Obviously if you find it boring in the first two sentences than its no good so dont finish it and let me know that.

Thanks

Link: http://www.geocities.com/travisgwilber/essay.html

Answer 1

'I hate school.'  Take that out.  Or change it to "I hated school."  Or 'I use to hate school.'  Or revise it somehow, like switch the first two sentences and make that sentence say 'I didn't like school.'  Because in the second paragraph, you say, 'I’m looking forward to finding a school to continue my education in order to pursue what I love.'

How is this college going to teach somebody who hates school?

'Telling stories through movies and television is my Elaine Robinson and I’m going to accomplish it no matter what stands in my way.'

Elaine Robinson is?  Does the lowest member of that college know who she is?

'Never before have I found as much motivation that is driving me at this moment. I’m mid-air off the cliff with 4,000ft before I hit the ground and I’m looking for a school to give me some duct tape cause I gotta do something to stay alive. And at this moment I don’t care if I succeed or fail. In ten years I could be the head of NBC or living in a cardboard box in an alley and it doesn’t matter one bit to me.'

In ten years you can do a whole lot and living in a carboard box would show you didn't care and hated school.  And, 'And at this moment I don’t care if I succeed or fail.'

If you become head of NBC, you would have some knowledge that you may have gotten from a school you hate.

That's a good rough draft; something to build on and I admire somebody who wants to become self-sufficient, but never say you hate something or that you don't care if you succeed.

Answer 2

Travis, your essay is far from boring.  It is honest and you express your passion for this pursuit.  I would eliminate the cardboard box reference, as it is extreme and introduces a vivid image of failure and quitting.  The only way you could end up in a cardboard box is if you completely quit and gave up on yourself, somethng that a school does not want to comtemplate.  Try to introduce more of your qualifications, maybe speak more about the items which you produced until 3 a.m., and even clean one up and offer to submit it as part of your application.  This would spice up the process and light you and them both up due to its freshness.  Also indicate that you understand that you have much more ground to take in this area and that you cannot wait to start!

good luck