Should Foster Child Refuse Examination?

Question

My husband and I believe that one of our foster sons might havebeen abused in one of his previous homes. We took him to the doctor, but he wouldn't let the doc examine him below the waist. The doctor and his caseworker suggest the exam be rescheduled for next week but my son is stubbornly against it , and he probably won't change his mind. I can't blame him for not wanting to go through it (especially if we're right and he's been abused before he might not want to be touched there again), but there may be something that he needs treatment for.

He has been complaining of stomach aches, headaches, and he has been having trouble sleeping, but nothing that suggests he was seriously injured. Should we make him have this part of exam just in case or respect his wishes and skip that area?

BTW he is 12 so just holding his hand won't work anymore :(

Answer 1

One of the signs of a child who has been sexually abused, is when they are constatly touching themselves for stimulation.

Take him to someone who is a specialized couselor in this area, they will know how to find out.

When I was that age, I didn't want anyone looking or touching me there. Especially my doctor. He creeped me out. He may be responding to that particular doctor. Can you try a different one?

Best wishes.

Answer 2

I think at this age it might be hard for any 12 year old to Feel Comfortable with such an exam. I remember being 12 and going to the same doctor I had all my life for a cold and he wanted me to take off my Top.... I just cried and was so embarrassed....

My doctor was so sensitive when he realised I was embarrassed and not able to take my top off for him to listen to my lungs and heart he just laughed and said, "Wow, you are growing up and we can just listen if I put it under your top without you needing to take it off Honey"

That was and may always be the single best doctor visit of my life--I was respected for my personal Modesty and felt honored by my doctor....

Answer 3

Perhaps some additional counseling is what is in order to help him talk about what is bothering him before taking the test again.

Answer 4

Try to reward him or "bribe" him into going. If he agrees tell the doctor to explain everything hes doing as he does it so the child knows whats going on at all times. Also see if maybe hes just embarrassed so check if he wishes for a different doctor or you to be or not to be in the room.

Answer 5

Try talking to him one on one and see if maybe you can get some answers out of him...it might even be a good idea to take him to a child psychologist...if he is new to your home, you might need to wait a while until he feels comfortable with you and knows that you are not going to hurt him in any way...he is probably really scared that something will happen to him again...just be patient with him, and if his aches and pains get worse, he should be checked out...maybe try a woman doctor (in case he had been abused by a man)...just let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk and that you wont make fun of him or embarrass him...he needs to build up trust with you...try redoing the exam, but maybe wait like a month or so to do it...all you can do is keep trying...good luck!

Answer 6

Try to talk to him away from the doctors, ask him if he wouldnt mind talking about his past so that you can get to know him and understand him. If he reveals any abuse dont act shocked or be overly dramatic, handle it very calmly so he knows that you are not going to run off and call the police straight away and dont suggest straight away counsilling or anything like that just praise him for telling you and listen. Maybe later then, praps at a next dr's appointment you can then suggest it.

As the above person says, you also need to build his trust, go on outings together, talk openly with him about your lives. He might not want to talk about it but hopefully if he begins to trust you he will feel better about the world and maybe feel less threatened by the doctor.

The other issue here is, the headaches and stomach aches might not be real, these are often complaints of a child who is being bullied now. Are you sure he isnt being bullied or abused at school? are his grades fine and does he bring school friends home? You could ask him if school is fine and say if anyone ever hurts him that he should know he can always come and talk to you and you won't judge him or make him do anything he doesnt want to do (this is important because he might not tell you if he is frightened you will tell the teachers, the police etc etc)

If you find it hard to talk to him, go to the library and find some books about foster children and maybe abuse and lay them around the house or give them to him and say "I'm not saying you have been abused, but I dont know much about your past and we just want to look after you, if you identify with anything in the books please dont be afraid to tell us, we will do what we can to help you through it". He will possibly grumble and deny it but perhaps if you leave the books around long enough read one and think about what you have said.

Also do you go into the doctor's office with him? He might be embarrissed at you being there.

Answer 7

My suggestion is calling a local rape crisis center and ask if they can give your a reference of a qualified specialist who deal specifically with child sexual abuse.......I work at a hospital and see rape crisis workers speaking with woman.

Sometimes the only person who can communicate with these victims are ones that have experienced it first hand.....

If you decide to go with a child psychologist understand that they may have no experience in this particular area. Ask questions before making the appointment.

  This just breaks my heart.....I wish you and your foster son all the best.

Answer 8

stomach-aches, headaches, and trouble sleeping could be because of stress...

if he was abused maybe he's having trouble coping with that?

or else it could be stress due to something else... bullying, change of house, i'm not sure...

anyway it's probably best you find him someone to talk to (or talk to him yourself) because there must be -some- reason he's refusing the examination, which means there's something he's trying to hide... it could be as simple as he's embarrassed about being examined, or it could be something more complicated like abuse or even self-harm...

if they can do an exam where they skip that area and work out why he's having headaches etc then that's probably a good idea too but keep in mind it may not solve the problem and then he'd have to be re-examined all over again, but the second time including the more personal examination. and even then if it's only stress-related the examination won't find anything physically wrong >_<

Answer 9

So many times, children are abused, and to them, the doctor looking at their private parts in an examine can be as traumatic as the original abuse.  It's almost like putting them through it again.  

Explain to him that abuse unfortunately happens to too many kids, and that they are victims of violent crimes, and that they have done nothing wrong.  At that age, they have no choice.  Unfortunately, he'll also have to be told that if he was molested, he'll have to get tested for STD's, and tell him that an exam to confirm something that happened will help him to put the abuser in jail, where he'll not be able to do it to someone else.  Assure him that you will protect him against that person, as often times abusers threaten to track down their victims and hurt them.  At the very least, insist on a blood test to check for disease.  Good luck!

Answer 10

every 6 months my daughter has a VCUG and it's pretty invasinve for a kid. They give her a medication that dopes her up a little and makes her totaly forget what happened. If they suspect he was abused or that he may need medical care down there, they can give him that medicine so he doesn't remember it.

I would tell him what is going to happen and that the medicine would help him relax. But don't trick him into it.

good luck.

Answer 11

It is possible this could be a sign of past abuse.  However, it could be that a 12 year old boy just isn't comfortable with the examination, or having the examination with a parent in the room.   I've been stepping out of the room for that part of the exam with my son since he was about 9 or 10 (at his request).  

I'm just throwing that out there as a possibility.

Answer 12

I would think (or hope) that the social worker would have experience in these types of things and could refer you to a counselor or victims' group that might be able to help sort this out for you and your son.

As a mom, my first thought is that if the child was complaining about groin pain, you would force him to have the exam to insure that he was okay and not having a major medical issue (at least I would).  I certainly would not want to "force" a child who was abused to feel violated again, but there has to be something that can be done to insure he has the care he needs.  What if he contracted an STD from the abuse?  If it isn't caught early and treated, he is putting others at risk as well as his own fertility.  

I highly recommend that you try to locate a counselor that can try to sort out his reason for refusing the appointment.  Perhaps he is just embarrassed; perhaps it is more.  A qualified counselor should be able to determine that for you and then you would have a better idea of how to proceed.

Good luck to you.