Should I offer another chance?

Question

My husband and I are starting the process of having him adopt my almost 6 yo daughter. I am trying to draft a letter to her biological father that will include a consent form for him to sign over his rights.

We have not seen hide nor hare of him since May of 2002 when I waived child support. At that time, he was in a new relationship with another woman. They eventually got married.

He was divorced within the last few months. I would (kind of) like to offer him one last oppurtunity to know his child. On the other hand, I'd like to just get it over with and get on with our lives.

Should I offer the chance? Or just send him the paperwork, tell him to sign it, and hope for the best?

Answer 1

You have to do what feels right in your heart. If you feel like giving him another chance with his daughter would be best, then you shpuld. But if you feel like he would just mess up again, i would not give him the chance to s***w up like that. Your daughter would be very hurt. My sister had a fatjher who would only talk to her a few months at a time . and only if he thought my mother was going to get married to her husband. When she finally did get married to her husband my sisters real father came in her life and acted like he had changed, she got real close to him, one day she called to speak with him and he didnt return her phone call for about two years. Said he ws busy had alot going on. My sister is now 20 and is still reaping the hurt he put on her. Needless to say my mother never let her husband adopt her. She could of had a great chance at a good father , but her real dad screwed it up(this is what I like to call sperm donor). the other side I also realized is with my brother ,he has a child.  The mother of his child split up with him before the baby was ever born, and got a knew boyfriend. One whom she felt would be better for the baby.  She gave my brother chances to see the baby and for a wile he did. After a wile though he just stopped seeing her. She tried to get him involved but he just gave up hope since , he wasnt with the other. Needless to say the mother wanted her knew boyfreind to adopt the child. She wanted to give him the chance to give his daughter the father she deserved. So here is what she did, she called him and spoke with him. I believe she said something like this " I am calling to speak with you about your daughter. she really needs a father in her life, I need you to think about what this is doing to her. I want you to know that my boyfriend is willing to adopt her., he is really good with her and it is promising that he will be there for her day in and day out. In a couple days I will call back, and please give this some thought, give her what she deserves. if you can give it to her , lets make out a visitation deal, if not give her the father she deserves by letting my boyfriend adopt her...." and so on and so forth. A few days later she called back and he agreed that he was able to give her what she deserved, but it wouldn' be him it would be the knew boyfriend adopting her.  To make a long story short.......I suggest calling him, your daughter and him deserve at least that. But after that he don;t deserve anything else from you or her. Let the knew husband do his job. A father is just a sperm donor it takes a man to be a dad

Answer 2

send him the papers if he wants to be involved in his daughter's life , he will say so, or refuse to sign the papers but if he signs it, it simply means that he doesn't want anything to do with the child, so it will simply be ok for you to move on, and not have an regrets later on or have your child blame you later. Good luck

Answer 3

Unfortunately, it will only be up to you for so long.  When your daughter gets old enough she may or may not want to know him.  I think that you send him the paperwork, but also keep some contact info in case she wants to know him at some point.  Just as anyone would be curious about their bio-parents.  And please tell her the truth about it (age-appropriate of course).  Good luck.

Answer 4

Free the child.

If the father has shown no interest in the child by now, get over with his none interest.

I can not think of any thing so self centered as not wanting to know your own child.

then again, no one knows what brought on your separation.

When I first saw our new Born's I knew I would do any thing to love and hug them all my days.

When my 26 yr old got killed in a car wreck---Half of me died.

Your young one was to young to remember him or know him.

Some day she may want to meet with him (20 years from now) I would not mix up her life for any reason.

Some day she may want to ask him why? Why was I so unimportant you never wanted to know me?

Give your young person joy, compassion, protection,be interested in her interests, and give her security. Be the best Mom poss able and she will always be your fulfillment no matter what.

Answer 5

Just send him the paperwork. If he wants a chance he will not sign it and he will demand to see the child.

Answer 6

No, he has had a chance her whole life and didnt take it.  He didnt have to pay support and still wasnt around.  That should tell you he couldnt care less.  I was in the same situation, and it doesnt do any good to give another chance to some people.  Be thankful your hubby is wonderful enough to want to be a real father to her.  Thats what she needs and she will thank you later on-my children did.  Just hope he doesnt try to be a butthead and not sign over his rights due to spite.  If he does try not to-just know that most states have laws that say a parent has abandoned a chidl-and therefore forefeited their rights-if they have not contributed to their welfare in a certain amount of time-in Michigan it is 18 months.  You may have to use this against him if he wont sign them over to your wonderful hubby-the "real daddy" she has now.  Good luck.

Answer 7

Always have a lawyer contact him. You might have your lawyer draft a letter stating that you would like to know any wishes he has regarding your daughter. (ie: a chance to have a relationship with her) Include also that if he wishes to see her, he would then be responsible for paying child support-- & if he would not, ask for him to sign an attached consent to relinquish rights.  (This all sounds sort of harsh, but its all very sketchy when you're dealing with child/parent relationships) I do commend you on your effort to include him one last time. It takes tremendous strength to do that, especially after 6 years...You have a good heart!

Answer 8

Don't "tell" him anything. If he wanted to see the chld, he would have by now.  Have your lawyer send the papers and therefore you eliminate any direct contact with him.

Answer 9

He hasn't bothered to be a decent guy in 6 years time, then why let him try now.  Your daughter knows your husband as daddy, and thats whats important at this age.  She can ask questions later, and then you can be honest with her.

Send the paperwork (preferrably via a law office, if possible - you don't want him having your address, in case he wants to start trouble).  If he mentions wanting to meet her, then I suggest meeting as "friends" and not telling her who he is.  I don't think she would fully understand that at age 6.

What does your hubby think?  Again, she is too old to understand.  Regardless, if this guy wants to meet her, he needs to sign and let someone who cares be the father figure in her life!  You also need to think of yourself.  Do you want to have a friendship with this individual again?  

Its a heavy question, and you have a lot to consider.  The best of luck to you!

Answer 10

I support anyone who offers a father the chance to know his child.  However, he must really want to see that child in order for it to work properly.  If he hasn't, I wouldn't chase him down.

Just consider that after a divorce, he may be more vulnerable and seeking meaning.  It isn't a good time to offer him that chance (especially if it's always been there.)  You want him to be involved for the child, not for his sense of well-being or meaning in life.  The same reasons rebounding is unethical are nearly the same for why this is unwise.  Maybe later.  He can still be involved even if the little one is adopted.  

So send that paper.

Answer 11

Just send him the paperwork

Answer 12

I agree with person above, have your lawyer send the papers so you aren't in contact with him.  If he wants to contest he can, either way you will have your answer.

Answer 13

talk to your husband about it and see how he feels. i think he should adopt her anyway, even if she does know her biological father. every child when they are older gets curious about their biological maker, but you have to weigh the situation too. if the bio is going to abandon her, then don't even bother. my dad saw me once every five years or so and now i consider him dead. i have suffered alot of emotional trauma from him in and out of my life since i was a kid. i am 26 now with two kids.