Should i postpone the wedding?

Question

the wedding is in the beginning of october and for the past three months, since my fiance changed jobs, we've...i've been miserable. i tried to talk to him about it a thousand times over and he keeps telling me that it'll be fine and then going to sleep. we've been together for nearly three years and we grew up together...i really thought i knew him and lately it feels like there is a stranger in my bed....also, i just found out that i will have to pay for the rest of the wedding expenses myself, because for him to just make ends meet, he needs to have an extra 1300 dollars by oct 1st...he said that he would pay me back half of whatever i spent, to be fair...after the wedding....no one is helping us with $ or with any of the details for that matter, and we cant even ask for help, because no one else has any $....what the h**l do i do...my parents split up when i was a baby and my mother is lonely and bitter...i swore i would never get a divorce and that i would never end up like her...

Answer 1

Hi.  Yes, definitely postpone the wedding.  Your fiance MUST realize that you are serious and need to work this out!  

I'm not saying that you should split up....but it's obvious that his job is wearing not only on him, but on you as well.  Like you said, it's a "job" not a career.

Perhaps postpone the wedding.  See if he is willing to go to school or get training in something that he absolutely LOVES to do.  Even if that means moving away from where you live now in order to pursue that dream.

BUT, first, he needs to realize that the two of you need to sit down and discuss this as adults.  It seems as though he is trying to push you away (due to his stress) and nothing is getting resolved.

Yes, I would definitely put the wedding plans on hold until you and him can resolve these issues.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

If you don't want to get a divorce then don't put yourself into a position where that might happen. Marrying someone whom you feel is like a "stranger in your bed" isn't good. Something obviously has changed...

For right now, I would blame it on financial reasons and postpone the wedding. Wait a little while and see what happens with him, his job, etc. Don't marry someone you aren't happy with. I'm not saying that this can't be worked out between the two of you - but give it some time just to be sure.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Yep, you need to put the breaks on the wedding. You seem a little self centered and selfish to me.  Why would you wonder or have to guess at what is going on with him...? The man is busting his ***,has changed jobs, is  working crazy hours, dealing with a shaky finacial  situation and all you are concerned about is how miserable you are. Have you stopped and considered how he feels right now? I am sure he is pretty stressed and worn down. You said you feel like you have a stranger in you bed...well you do! This is probly the first time you have seen him in a job crisis situation. You may need to attend premarriage counseling...

Re-edit-after reading the information you added after I posted I see your perspective a little differently. It appears that you have bore the finacial brunt for a lot in your relationship....it also appears that him telling you that you have to  pay for the wedding has pushed you close to the last straw. I sincerely understand your frustrstion. I have been in your shoes and I know exactly how you are feeling.  Once again I think you need to postpone the wedding until the issues about your finaces can be discussed and brought to to the table...trust me cause I have been in your shoes

Answer 4

First off, why do you have separate finances? He's supposed to pay you back for the Wedding!!???!?!? Come on, is that really how you're going to run your household when you're married?

I'm guessing that part of why you're miserable is you don't want to share the wealth evenly if he's not making enough money. So it's time for you to spend some quality time with yourself and look at what you really want from the marriage. If you still want to get married, maybe there's other corners you can cut to make things work. Spend a bit less on the wedding, take a less extravagant honeymoon, eat out less for a while, whatever.

Now, let me ask you this: What if your fiance was completely broke, had no job, would you still get married? If not, then maybe you really need to look at the relationship again.

Answer 5

well if that is what you swore then you shouldn't get married unless you are 100% happy about it. You should push it back or at least not spend another dime on it unless things change. Also remember if you marry a man with financial struggles you can't complain about it later when  your married I would wait until we were a little more financially stable. Good LUck

Answer 6

For financial reasons, postponing the wedding doesn't sound like a bad idea.  Is there a way you can talk to him when it's not bedtime?  

And what about the change has made you miserable?

Answer 7

I think you should hold off on the wedding you both have a lot on you plates right now, I wait  to see if your money problems iron out, and please have a talk with him soon, It seems that you are both going in different directions.

Answer 8

Money issues are the number one cause of problems between couples.  Hit the brakes on this one and work through your individual philosophies on money.

He's got a new job, he can check whether his benefits include EAP, Employee Assistance Program.  This usually covers three (3) visits with a counselor at no charge (he should check with his HR group for details).  

I think you already know in your heart that there is trouble ahead, and your instincts to do a gut-check are spot-on.  

Good luck!

Answer 9

if you were getting married in the church you would be required to attend premarital counseling, which prepares you for marriage and teaches you how to deal with problems, stressors, and how both of you can communicate.  i highly recommend you look into this in your town or church.  

you seem sincere, but young.  with education in how to handle the problems that come up in life, you will be well able to meet the challenges as they come up.

also, career counseling, so that perhaps you both could chart a career course for both of you that does not involve one of you not being supportive of the other, or, one of you being taken advantage of in the work place.  because you have no family you have to avail yourself of resources that give you ideas as to how to handle these things, usually people have a wise relative who helps them in their younger years make sense of things.  do either of you have a mentor???

Answer 10

I'm not hearing what has changed for you other than his job and the nearness of the wedding.  Both things are temporary stressors.  I'm concerned that you are anxious about any little bumps that come in the road (and there are many in a marriage) because you think they mean you will be divorced, lonely and bitter.  

I'm not saying you could not postpone - but are you living together anyay??  What will be the difference when married?  Do you need to take a breath and realize your commitment to him out lasts these bumps?

Answer 11

Well when you get married what are you doing with your finances?  Are you combining them?  If so it shouldn't matter who pays for the wedding "now".  

In terms of the hours, my fiance works 11pm-7am, and sleeps from when he gets home til 3 pm.  I work 240-1140pm.  

Horrible conflict, I sleep when he's at work and he sleeps when I'm awake!  I tried asking him to switch his sleep schedule, and he's compromising, often getting up after 5 hours only.

I'm sorry to say it but I think maybe you should postpone the wedding.  It will be a financial benefit, yes.  But also you might just be getting a real taste of what he will be like when you are married, and you have every right to be frightened/worried.  If you don't want to end in divorce I suggest you take the time to figure things out NOW not after you're married.  Let him know how his behaviour is affecting you, and that it is making you want to postpone the wedding, maybe it will smarten him up, and if not, better you find out now than later!  If he really cares then this should be his wake up call.

Good luck, hope it works out!

Answer 12

You should try to get him to communicate why he is stressed, he may be feeling guilty or stressed because of his financial situation and the wedding plans. Men are awful at sharing their feelings and generally react this way when they feel under pressure. The reality is that once you are married you are one and therefore he wouldn't be "paying you back" unless you want him to put it back in your savings or towards something specifically for you. If you don't have deposits that will be lost then you should postpone but this could be something easily resolved with a good conversation. Are you stressed because you feel like the breed winner in the relationship? I agree take your time and try to find the source of your discontent.

P.S. Just went through this myself we resolved it and all is well now :)