Should we tell him the truth?

Question

A mutual friend of my husband and I is going through a divorce. His wife left him suddenly after eight years of marriage because of his inability to compromise, be considerate of his wife's needs, his tendency to be verbally abusive and demanding.

Right now he's so vulnerable, upset and lonely. I don't think this is a good time to bring up that his wife had good reasons for leaving him. Do you think we should say anything at all? He's asked us for our opinion but I'm a little wary about putting in our 2 cents. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

He has absolutely no idea of what he is doing or why.  He will disagree with you and deny it all, so it will make no difference.

Answer 2

Stay out of it.

Answer 3

I would tell him that there are two sides to every story.  I would tell him that from every relationship I have been in that ended, I have learned things about myself that I was able to learn from and fix. Then I would say that although he might not like what his wife has to say about him, he needs to understand that there must be truth to it; just as she must know that there is truth to what he says about her.  It is not that he or she is bad or good, it's that each of us is human and has features that can be improved.  This is a chance not just to move on, but learn about himself.  History does not repeat itself, people do.  So, his next relationship can be a better one.

Then I would tell him how he messed up.

Answer 4

Stay in neutral ground.

Answer 5

If he asked, then he deserves what you have stated here! He needs some lessons in life, lessons in controlling issues, for that is what is does...controls others. This issue is worth far more than 2 cents! Good luck.

Answer 6

What you said in "additional details" is exactly what you should tell him.  

Answer 7

This person is asking for help in figuring out what went wrong.   If you truly are a friend, you can point out to him what he has said to you and what you have heard him say to the soon to be ex.   Then ask him if he would like to be treated that way by a person that professes their love for that person.    You do not have to get personal, just point out facts in a calm and even tone.

With me, never ask a question you really do not want to hear the answer to.   All of my friends state that I am the most honest person they know.

Answer 8

Depends how close you are as friends. If he's asking, you can tactfully tell him, but don't expect him to want to hear it. It might just help him be a better person for the next woman in his life. Feel him out and only tell him what he can handle...kindly. Remember you may have only part of the story too. Are you sure she was a saint?

Answer 9

You will most likely lose him as a friend if your honest. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy that would take constructive criticism in a good way. But then again, do you really want to call someone like him a friend?

Answer 10

the truth hurts some times but it could be very valuable information if he considered being in another relationship I would tell him especially if he asked  

Answer 11

Careful.

People like this are apt to twist your solicited opinion into a weapon. Worse, they toss you and hubby's name into the mix so the target of their tirade turns their anger towards you. I'll give you an example:

I had a guy come to me and say he thought his wife was stepping out on him and based on what he observed did I think the same?

It was obvious that was the case based on the cell phones calls made secretly, the late and unaccounted for hours and several physical clues. Yet like most people they tend to keep the blinders on and don't want to know. So my response was "Gee...I don't know".

Had I said "Yes" I had no doubt he would have gone home and instead of saying "I think you're having an affair" it would have been presented to her as "Know what? Quasimodo said you're effing around on me with another guy". Of course she'll deny it and rant and rave as to what an a*****e I am and he not wanting to really know the truth will now agree and both of them turn against you.

So...watch out. These things have a way of backfiring. Best thing to do? Ask him.."Well...what reasons did SHE give you for leaving?". let him lay his cards out first. Then you can make a sensible decision from there and control the conversation.

Answer 12

It would actually be best to tell him, as you say he may not realize how his comments affect others.  Then he can work on changing what he's doing wrong.  

Answer 13

Don't get involved, it does not concern you.

It will only lead to further issues.

Answer 14

If he asked you for your opinion then I would tell him the truth. Sometimes when people are at their lowest is when they really need to be told the truth. If you fill him with lies about his behavior he will use those lies to move on and build up false beliefs of what he is doing is right.

I bet your honesty will create a short term rift between you and him but in the long run he will appreciate it.

Answer 15

Tell him, dude we're staying out of this. Period.  

Answer 16

honesty is the bast policy. tell him that he will most likely not like your opinion, but if he wants to try and fix the problem then he should listen.

Answer 17

When people ask me for my honest opinion....I give it to them...and since he asked...I think you should be honest with him....if he didn't ask for your opinion...then I would recommend that you don't say anything....

Answer 18

This is none of your business so stay out of it.

Its their marriage and problem not yours.

Answer 19

If you say anything then say it as if it is her point of you NOT yours.

She feels like:

I think she needed:

Not that you agree with her, and not that you think he was wrong.  Be supportive and if he elicits your input state the obvious.

Answer 20

stay out of it. you dont know the whole story only what she is telling you  

Answer 21

I think you should stay out of it.  His ex should be the one to talk to him about it.  He probably does know deep down inside what he did wrong.

Answer 22

The truth hurts.  I have been in this situation before.  When I knew he was upset I didn't say anything because I was afraid he was going to commit suicide.  Once that passed my husband & I did speak up only because we were tired of him speaking all lies about his marriage & ex.  He talked to me once after the heart to heart we all had that was 2 years ago.  He calls my husband every couple mths. just to keep in touch & did I say this used to be a really good friend.  He now talks to his ex & understands that he was horrible but he still wont talk to me maybe because the truth really did hurt.