Sincerity of PAPs?

Question

I've read tons of "dear birthmother letters, in many different places.

There was someone on myspace who was asking about adoption and things like that, wanted to "befriend me". Looking at her myspace she seemed very genuine and "real" but after she adopted whe deleted her page and made a new one with the "real" her.

EVERYTHING was different, her hair, her job, her religion, and the overall atmosphere of her page. It was rather scary.

WHAT ARE SOME RED FLAGS THAT PAPs MAY NOT BE WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE?

I know there are basic background checks, but the internet can reveal more than any background check.

WHAT ARE SOME THING YOU CAN SUGGEST AN EXPECTANT MOTHER (PARENT) CAN TO TO TEST THE SINCERITY OF THE PEOPLE SHE/THEY CHOSE TO PARENT THEIR CHILD?

Answer 1

That is really awful!  I think the major red flag is things either seem "too perfect" or there is a nagging doubt.  

All PAP's/AP's are not baby barracudas though, waiting for a baby and desparate to get their clutches on one.

Red flags . . . just something is off while talking to them.  Our agency called us before our daughter was born wanting to know if I hunted, and if so that there would be a baby, as a birthmother was only going to place in a home with a mother who was an active hunter.  Finally, they found a family in Montana that would fill the bill.

Our former caseworker counseled birthmothers to keep a list of what they feel is important to them and as they need to add to, change, delete, whatever, they do so.  As they ponder this list, they will begin to get a picture of what they want, and what they will or will not compromise on.  Helps them kind of organize their thoughts a bit.

Let's face it, adoption is an emotional time for all involved, and unfortunately, there are those bad folks who will always be around.  I do think it is important as PAP/AP's with integrity to stand up to be counted, since the bad folks get all the press, no one wants to hear about someone who actually does the right thing, that acts with honor and respect, too boring!

Answer 2

Wow, that's odd... and creepy, I agree.  

I think telling an honest or sincere person really comes down to trusting your gut.  Beyond obvious flaws or inconsistencies in their 'story', of course.

Answer 3

I think it is fine to find someone online as it is a great tool for advertising, communicating etc.  But once you start talking to families and narrow it down to one or two, I would suggest meeting with them in person.  You may be able to type emails back and forth to get to know each other, but the feeling you get about someones character when you see them face to face is priceless.

Answer 4

i would not trust anyone.  all they want is your baby.  they don't give a cr*p about you.

Answer 5

That is creepy.  I think some red flags would be a sense that they are just "too"perfect. Or have the textbook answers. Or, meeting them in person or talking to them on the phone - if only one of them is answering any questions.  The number one thing would be to not believe what you read on the internet. Proof, again, that no adoptions should be based on connections made online - it's a scary, scary thought. Rule of thumb: don't trust anyone trying to adopt that way?

I do know a couple who was trying to adopt - she wanted to, he did not - but had given in to her constant pleading.  The first caseworker picked up on this and denied them. They moved to another state, made some superficial changes in their life to be more appealing and applied again. He still did not want to adopt, they just learned what to say this time around, and were approved. (I reported this to their agency and their approval was subsequently rescinded. I'm not usually a tattle-tale, but couldn't sit by and let them do this. They do not know it was me who reported them.)

Answer 6

I don't understand why anyone would be looking for a couple/person to adopt their child from the internet especially based on a my space.  

To me if I were looking for someone to care and parent my child (wow I can't even put myself in that position)...  The closest thing I could even think was when I asked my sister and brother-in-law to take guardianship of my children if I were to pass away before they were raised.

I would have to suggest that they look within their own family and if that weren't acceptable look to an extremely good friend that they knew very well and had a lot of good parenting skills.

Answer 7

That is all kinds of icky and wrong.  I don't even know what to say about that.  I'm just really glad that I can rest easy knowing that no one involved in my adoption is being coerced, strong-armed, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise harmed in order to make my family bigger.  I would be SO peeved if I ever found out that anyone involved in our adoption used shady tactics, and I couldn't sleep at night if I had been the one to do anything shady.  That just makes me really, really sick.