Starting to get back RSVPs...?

Question

We've started to get back RSVPs for our wedding in October and received one yesterday that threw us for a loop. MY FH's aunt and uncle RSVPed for four when we only invited the two of them (the have 2 teenage boys). We were very clear on the invitation of who was invited ... Outer Envelope: Mr. & Mrs. John Doe & Inner Envelope: Uncle John & Aunt Jane. There will be kids at the reception, however, my FH is not close with his cousins and him and his parents chose not to include them. Should my FH or FMIL contact them or is this mine and my parents' responsibility? And how do we go about this phone call with out offending them?

Answer 1

Completely up to you but my advice is to get used to it.  You'll get a lot of RSVPs that way.

Are you having a sit down dinner that you really can't afford to include them?  Personally I say take sides now.  He has to call anyone on his side of the family and you call anyone on your side.  However in my case I threw it on to my mother.

Call and very politely say Thank you for your RSVP.  I'm looking forward to seeing you there.  However, as this is a formal sit down dinner we really can't accommodate all of the cousin's.  You may not know this but Groom has over 30 first cousins.  As you can see, it's just impossible to have a small intimate wedding with that many so we made the decision not to have any first cousins attend.  I hope you understand.

Pick some reason (like the number of first cousins or the intimate wedding) and stick with it.  Thank them for replying and end with look forward to seeing you there.  It's an awkward phone call to make so you have to just sorta spit it out as delicately as possible.  But you have to be clear that it is nothing against them personally and be clear that you are telling him that Cousin Tom and Cousin Harry aren't welcome.  If you beat around the bush too much  Uncle John may not understand what you are trying to say.

As sad as this is, I tried to make those phone calls during the work day so I could just leave it on the voice mail.

Answer 2

If it's your fiance's family then he or his mother should be the one to contact them.  However, know this:  no matter how nicely you word it, if you make it clear the two sons are not invited, the aunt and uncle will be offended. There's no way around it.  And depending on just how offended they are, they may not come to the wedding at all.

Answer 3

this is really your parents responsibily and all they need to do is contact them and basically say that the invites and guests need to be kept to a certain amount and by them adding their two boys onto the guest list it will take you over your desired limit, then apologise that you are sorry that the boys could not get an invite to the reception but you have had to miss alot of ppl out to keep the numbers to the correct amount good luck Gilly x

Answer 4

I think if you are inviting some of FH's cousins, you need to invite them all.

However, if you insist, your FH or FMIL should call to talk to them. It is definitely their responsibility.

You really cannot leave out any members of a household and if the teenage boys live at home and you are inviting other kids they should be invited. The only way that would not be true is if it was "no one under 16" or the only exceptions were kids in the wedding party.

Answer 5

That is a tough one since there will be other kids at the reception, you cant invite some and not allow others.

Your FH or FMIL can call and let them know the invitation was meant for the two of them since seating is at a minimum given both sides of the families.  But you cant outright say no.  

Answer 6

Yup, this will happen.  A lot more than you can imagine.  As far as who to call...well, ask your future in-laws.  If they refuse, it should be you or your husband.

"Hi, John/Jane.  This is ____.  Thank you so much for your fast response to our wedding!  I think there was some confusion when we sent it out. It came back with 4 people coming, but only John and Jane were invited.  Will John and/or Jane be coming?"  

Then either, "Great, we can't wait to see you there!"  or, "I'm sorry, we will miss you!"

Keep it up beat.  And don't offer a reason as to why little Johnny and Janey weren't included.  If they are so bold to ask (which would be the height of rudeness!) just say it is because of "venue constrictions."  This could include any number of things, and you are not lying while at the same time unbend-able on allowing them to invite more than allotted.

Answer 7

RSVP

Please  reply

Answer 8

This is for your FH to take care of.  He can either do it himself or ask his parents to but either way, you aren't supposed to be the one dealing with his families' misunderstandings.  I am not really sure how to handle the actual talk though.  If other kids are at the wedding (particularly other cousins) the aunt and uncle will most likely be upset that everyone else was able to bring their kids with them but theirs were excluded.  I personally am not close to all my cousins and wanted to only invite a few but knew that would open up a whole can of worms so invited them all.  This is going to have to be something for your FH and his parents to tackle and figure out the best way to tell them their children aren't invited when others are.  

Answer 9

You (or whoever) call them and tell them how horribly sorry you are about your horrible mistake, and that you hadn't intended to send invitations to the boys. (If you can shift blame to the printer, to a non-related helper who didn't know better, etc, then do so!) Tell them you are SOOOO sorry to have gotten the boys' hopes up and you'll make it up to them another time, but could they please just disregard their invitations? The person to make the call should be the person most likely to "pull it off" without any hurt feelings.

In this way you manage to draw your aunt & uncle's attention to the fact that it is THEY who are incorrect in assuming a welcome for persons who were in fact NOT invited without creating the awkward situation of pointing out their etiquette error.

Personally I think that using RSVP cards is ASKING for this sort of embarrassing misunderstanding and RSVP by phone is less expensive, less work, and more useful. For those who feel they MUST use RSVP cards, I suggest printing out the name of each person invited with an option to circle either 'accepts' or 'regrets' and NO ROOM to write in any additional names.

The Wedding Industry will try to convince you otherwise, but there is NO RULE saying "If you invite some of the children of some of the guests then you must invite all of the children of all of the guests." Just like adults, you invite those you know and care about and don't invite those you barely know and don't care about.  

Answer 10

wow, that would be an interesting conversation to hear. i would just accept that they are coming..rather than be so rude as to disregard their children when there will be other kids there.

if you were not having any kids (which teenagers aren't kids) that would be one thing, but to just disclude them cuz he's not close with them, is he close with their parents? why are they invited....this is sticky territory. better to just leave it alone.

Answer 11

What a sticky situation - and how rude of them!  While this did not happen to me, this is what I would suggest:

Since most brides have people helping them with invitations, favors etc. like the MOH and bridesmaids, I would have someone, other than your FH family call them.  You could be right there with them, maybe have the Aunt & Uncle on speaker phone.  This way, they can't get mad at any of the immediate family, and no one has to be uncomfortable.

The person calling them could say something like that they are handling the RSVP's and the head count for the wedding and they are confused as to the head count when only two people were invited and there are 4 RSVPing...you know, kinda playing dumb...

See what their answer is.  They could reply that they were under the assumption it included their kids.  The person calling them could say, no, I just have your two names on the list.  Your children are not listed on the guest list and see what they say.  

If they insist on their kids attending...here are some excuses your  person calling could say to them:

1. "This is an adult only wedding, no kids were invited (but make sure this is the truth and there are no kids there or they will be offended)

2. "Well the bride & groom have a limited amount of space, so the invitation was for the two of you only"

See what they say now.  It may be that they just don't want to hire a babysitter for their two kids, or they don't want to leave them alone for a night.  Either way, it is very rude of someone to just invite additional guests.

I know lying is not great - but sometimes little white lies instead of hurt feelings are better.

Good luck!

Answer 12

This is your FHs responsibility, or at a push his parent's because it is his family! Unfortunately, this seems to happen a lot when people receive RSVPs. Its crazy because they weren't invited, so I dont know why people think they can sneakily invite others and get away with it! Best excuse to use would be tight budget and you cannot afford to invite everyone! Or tell them there is limited seating and you have had to exclude many people to keep within that limit - blame it on the venue! Get him to tell them how sorry you both are that they cannot come but make sure they know because they obviously didnt understand 1st time round!

Answer 13

Well you have two choices:

#1 Include them anyway, if your budget allows it. This is a time for family, and offending them might not be the way you want to go since there will be other children there. The invitation was clear enough, and they still chose to ignore it, meaning they really want their children to see you get married. That should be a little flattering. :)

#2 Have your parents, assuming they are the hosts, call the Aunt and Uncle and politely explain that they have budgeted for "X" amount of people, a number that did not include their children. That way, if they are truly offended, it will be because of a money issue and not a family issue.  

Answer 14

Some people.  LOL  Someone needs to contact them and make it clear that the parents were only invited and not their children.  If they are offended then it isn't your problem.  By not putting their sons name on the invitation it was obvious that they weren't invitied so it was nervy of their parents to respond including them.  However, if they see that there are other kids at the wedding they will be really offended and I would be too.  It should be all or none.  It isn't fair to have some kids and not all kids.

Answer 15

i personally would say just let them come. it's considered rude to allow some children but not others.