Still a mother?

Question

If I give a child up for adoption, could I still consider myself a mom? I'm only 17 and I am most likely pregnant. I am not ready to be a mother but I don't want to pretend it never happened. I would want an open adoption so I can still be in the child's life. So would it be wrong if I considered myself a mother?

Answer 1

You are the baby's mother no matter what you decide to do: parent or relinquish to adoption.

Other than the very first part of Possum's answer, I agree with everything she said. Particularly that "adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Please consider this and don't choose a family for your baby until after you give birth! Once you see your child you may decide you want to parent him or her and if you've already promised your baby to someone else, you may feel guilted into relinquishing. You don't owe your baby to anyone.

Hang in there sweetie and look for resources that can help you: family, friends, WIC, etc. Good luck! Oh, and spend some more time here reading answers and questions from adoptees, adoptive parents, and first mothers (and fathers). You might be surprised at what you learn.

Best to you!

Answer 2

I always concider my kids' mom a "mom". But the adoptive parents may not look at it that way. You know, the adoptive parents can TELL you they want an open adoption but they don't have to stick too it. Many will take offence if you assume any type of mothering roll durring a visit. Even in open adoption the visits are usually only only once or twice a year. some situations are better but you don't always know what you are going to get after all is said and done. If you are worried about not being a mom than you need to keep your baby. Don't think so quickly about adoption. If you are pregnant, you have plenty of time to think about it and not make any hastey decisions or commitments. Talk to your parents too! They can surprise you! Good luck sweetie. There are many great teen moms out there.

Answer 3

Of course you are still a mother if you place your child for adoption.

I suggest you spend your pregnancy preparing to parent, however. Adoption should be the truly last option, only after you have exhausted all possible resources.

Answer 4

You will always be a mother...you will always have a connection to your child.

If you do decide to choose adoption i encourage you to choose a open adoption...

Answer 5

It would not be wrong, you carried that baby for 9 months.. not something you can pretend never happen. My mother gave me up for adoption. I got lucky and know her, because her parents adopted me. I call her mom. You'll always be a mom no matter what :)

Answer 6

Yes! And a d**n good one.  Your giving your baby a chance in life.  Adoption is a wonderful thing and with an open one you can always have contact with your baby and you wont be some big mystery to them.  Thankyou for choosing life for your baby...YOU ROCK!

Answer 7

No matter what you do you will always be that childs birthmother and nothing could ever change that.  I think that an open adoption is a good choice.   It is good to see that you have looked into different types of adoption, and are not making any fast decisions.  If you choose open adoption, you may be able to be involved to some extent in the childs life.  The important thing is always consider the child first.  You seem to be on the right track if you have soul searched enough to consider adoption especially open adoption, I am sure you are going to pick wonderful parents for your little one. God bless in your decision, you will be in our prayers as all birthmothers are.

Answer 8

If you're not ready to be a mother - open adoption is certainly an option for you. I placed my youngest daughter for adoption last year & chose to have an open one. It's been such a blessing for me, seeing her grow in a better environment than I could provide. Every picture I get, she is smiling & I can see how happy she is & how well she is cared for with her family. I understand that I've signed over every right I have to her, and that's a little sad sometimes. But I will always be her mother. Whether you raise the child yourself or not, you gave the child life. THAT is what makes you a mother. So if you're decision to keep this baby with your boyfriend is based on people telling you "You won't be a mother anymore if you give your baby up!!" I'd rethink your decision. Because they're wrong. Obviously, you have plenty of time to think about this. So do just that. Think about it & you make whatever decision you need to, to ensure your baby has the best life possible.

Answer 9

Yes, of course you are a mother and don't bother talking to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

Please take into consideration the feelings of your child and talk to your parents about keeping him/her in your family.  It is much healthier for your child than stranger adoption.  Even if people promise open adoption in the beginning many, many people cut off all contact after the baby is legally theirs.  Open adoption is not enforceable.

Good luck - if you choose adoption do not hook up with anyone on the Internet - it very dangerous for you.

ETA - That's great news.  You will never regret your decision to parent your child!!  Congratulations.  Unplanned pregnancies are a shock at first but once everyone takes a deep breath and calms down, things work out.

Answer 10

i am 20... and i am adopted myself... I just found my birthmother a few months ago... and she is my mother... she is my only mother... and i love her with all of my heart....

i suggest you try and do whatever it takes to keep your baby.... i think you should do research... find out how children feel about being adopted when they are older.... and find out how the birthmothers feel after surrendering their baby....

but no matter what you choose... you are a mother... yes... and dont let anyone make you feel bad about calling yourself a mother...

Answer 11

I am a first mom, who had an "open" adoption.... they decided to cut off all contact. It all changed after the papers were signed.

You aren't only losing YOUR baby, but your grandchildren too.

Don't even think about it until after you've had your baby. Things will change. People will help you out. In this day and age, there's no reason for a woman to give her baby to strangers. There are alot of programs out there to help. If you want to go to college, you can. Believe me, that baby just wants to be with her / his mother. Don't make that baby live the rest of its life wondering why you rejected it.

You are a mother. You're old enough to take care of your baby.

Answer 12

I admire you for being so thoughtful about this. Being pregnant at 17 is really difficult. If you give birth to a baby you are a mother. If you adopt a baby you are a mother. However they'll have to be some distinction made for the child about the two moms. Maybe one will just be mommy and the other will be her first mom. Or mommy-angela etc. Your child will figure out the roles of her adoptive parents and her first mom are different, but that both love her.

I hope that if you do make an adoption plan you find the perfect family for your child as well as a relationship that will work for you too. All the best.

Answer 13

Open Adoption is a Crock

You will ALWAYS Be the childs Mother but you will Never be her /his parent if you give her/him up

Possum is right Look at all the Paps and Aps trying to give you their email addy.

I have just done a blog post all about Open adoptions See the link in the source list

Please Keep your baby. Thats the ONLY guaranteed way of staying in your childs life

Promises Made. Promises Broken = Open Adoption

Answer 14

It will totally depend on what the adoptive parents brain wash the little adoptee to believe.

Seriously.

Please make sure you read from these links before making ANY decisions -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

Be very very aware that prospective adoptive parents will tell you everything you WANT to hear.

Open adoptions are not law enforceable - and soon after the adoption is finalised - the adoptive parents can dissapear - without a trace - if they so wish.

I know too many relinquishing mothers that didn't know the truth about adoption in the USA - and have lived with grief and pain for the rest of their days.

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.

For me - as an adoptee - you are always that child's mother.

An adoptee has two mothers.

But adoptive parents can tell their adoptee anything they choose - in the end.

Please be aware.

And take care.

ETA: Look at all the adoptive parents giving you their email addresses!!!!!

I'm really sure they want to look after your best interests - and that of your child - NOT!!

Really - they want your child for themselves.

Sad really - isn't it.

ETA2: For Aloha and others that don't like how I worded the first part of my response.

Adoptees go by what their adoptive parents tell them.

If the adoptive parents tell them that their bio mother is NOT their mother - they will go along with that - for the most of them.

Adoptees are too scared to rock the boat - and be rejected all over again - so they will do and say just what their adoptive parents want them to say.

(I'm not talking - hitting over the head kind of brain washing - just subtle comments is all it takes - even bad reactions reflected on their face will do it)

Now - there are some wonderful adoptive parents out there that will tell their adoptees that they have two mothers and two fathers - and it's fine to know and love both - but sadly there are also many that do not - and make it all about them - the adults - and not the child.

(please see some of the answers in this very thread)

I've lived this - and I've seen it here - and elsewhere IRL and on the internet.

I was not trying to stir up those that do do the right thing by the adoptee - and tell them their truth.

I was trying to make a point to the asker of the question - that really - it's up to the adoptive parents - as to how the adoptee will allow themselves to feel - at least on the outside.

KWIM??

Answer 15

You will always be a mother. It doesnt end when you put a child up for adoption. All it means when you allow someone to adopt your child and give him or her a  life you arent ready to give him or her THAT doesnt mean you give up being a mom.

Answer 16

I consider myself a mother to all of my children including the daughter who i relinquished and my son who was stillborn as well as the two who i have reared.It doesn't matter if your children are with you or not they are always a part of you and each holds a special place in your heart

Answer 17

Of course you would still be a mother.  If you are, in fact, pregnant and you choose adoption, you are STILL a mother and will always be a mother.

Answer 18

consider temporary guardianship. Someone else (if you can, try to make sure it's someone in your family) can keep the child temporarily until you get on your feet. That way you can still be a part of the child's everyday life.

Answer 19

I don't think so.  You could also consider yourself to be a strong woman for doing something so loving for some other people.  I think you have the right to call yourself a mom after having a child.

Answer 20

If you are pregnant you are already a mom, and if you choose adoption, you will still be a mom- nothing to change that- and I too say THANKS for choosing life for your child.  You are a mom- in every sense of the word.

EDIT- I truly need to know why I got all these thumbs down-  when we try to support a birth mom, we get insulted , and when we support the AP's we get insulted.

Answer 21

Speaking for myself, I say it is wrong for you to call yourself that baby's mother. When you decide to put your baby up for adoption you are signing over your parental rights. This means you are no longer the mother. Now you can be in the baby's life (if the adoptive parents want this) but not to confuse the baby you shouldn't state you are the mama. If anything you can call yourself the biological mother, this is what you will be forever nothing less and nothing more. When the time is right, the baby will be told about you and will understand. If however you were asking if you should tell people you a mother, I say that's up to you and how well and comfortable you feel with them. Yes you had a baby and gave the best gift to someone. Be aware, once the adoption is finalized the adoptive parents have all rights to their new baby, no matter what they promised you prior. Adoption is forever, think long and hard before making any decision. Go through an agency if possible or perhaps to someone you know and will be great parents.

Answer 22

you're kidding yourself if you think you'll get over this in less than a lifetime.

keep your kid.

17 = young, no money, etc.  so what????????

baby = needs it's mother.

you do the math.

don't give your baby away to strangers.

Answer 23

My first parents are still my mother and father, even though I also have adoptive parents who are mother and father.  Someone else raising your child doesn't stop you from being the child's mother.  

Clearly, you already are voicing an attachment to your child.  Wait until after the birth to decide about adoption, and keep in mind that open adoptions can be closed at the discretion of the adoptive parents at any time, whether you want it to or not.  It's not up to you.

W

Answer 24

Adoption is a wonderful thing. There are many people, including myself that believe this and are waiting for the opportunity to welcome a baby into their lives through adoption. Never feel bad about doing the right thing and giving a child a home and family, if you are not ready to. In fact please pat yourself on the back because there are many people who do not do the responsible thing and hurt their children in the long run. Parenting can be very hard and it is great that you are thinking about it very seriously and how it may affect you and your child, already.

You of course will be a Mom, because you have had a child. Whether or not you will be portrayed as a Mom in an open adoption is up to you and the family you choose to adopt the baby. I know people that are quite involved with the biological mothers of the children they adopt. Some call them "birth mothers" and that is sort of common I believe in open adoption relationships now. People are greatful that people like you did the right thing and want their child to understand how they came into the world and from who they came into the world from etc. People also want to be involved at least somewhat in the child they are giving up, but just can't for whatever the reason may be, keep the child. That is fine and usually works out great, both sides are very appreciative of each other and it benefits the child very much. I have also known people in open adoption that are around, but are presented as a family friend or distant family...If you give your child life, and also decide on their future you are their mother for sure. Good luck and God bless...

Answer 25

You can't make a mother not a mother - it's physically impossible.

If you concieve and give birth to a child then you are a mother.

Answer 26

What hard decisions for a 17 year old to have to make. I was also 17 when I got pregnant for my first child. I decided to parent him and am so glad I did. I won't lie and say it was easy...Sometimes it really sucked!!! Watching my friends go out & be teenagers while I was raising a colicy baby was not fun. But thankful there were also good times to balance out what I was missing.

If you are pregnant, please research all your options before you consider adoption. Who knows, you might not even be pregnant. If that is the case, let this be a wake up call to do everything possible to prevent getting pregnant until you are ready to be a parent.

If you are pregnant, no matter what you choose, you will ALWAYS be your baby's mother.

EDIT: And please if you decide adoption is the route you want to go, please, please PLEASE...Do not  respond to the emails you are probably already getting from people wanting your baby. I am betting you have already recieved a few emails, right?

If you decide that adoption is the right choice, make sure it is through a reputable adoption agency.

Answer 27

You will always be a mother.

You will be your child's first mother, his biological mother, and the mother who gave him life.

Congrats to you for choosing life for your child.

Answer 28

I have adopted a baby boy, now almost 9 months old.  To me, his first mom should always be a part of his life, although she has chosen not to.  His first dad's mother visits with him, and will always be "Me-maw".  To me, the paperwork to adopt just incorporates more people into the baby's life.  I love my baby boy so much that I would die in an instant for him if I had to.  You will always be this baby's mother, even if it isn't legal anymore.  It sounds like you should work with someone for an open adoption that has been open before.  Also, the family that adopts the baby should have strong community ties, and many relatives in the area.  Someone like that is so much easier to find, and keep track of.  Some adoptive parents adopt, and then move as soon as the adoption if final, which I think is horrible.  My prayers are with you, as it is a very hard decision to decide to place.  Some people on this forum will be cruel in their answers, so be careful.  Listen to your heart and you know the situation.  Good luck!!!!!

Answer 29

you will always be the child's mother. do not let anyone tell you otherwise, especially if you choose to give up your child. i mean even though my adoptive mom raised me and i consider her mommy and she will always have that distinction. i would not be here today without my first mother. so that honor of giving me life goes to my first mother. i will always remember her for that.

Answer 30

No, it's not wrong..  You will always be that child's mother, regardless of what the courts say.  You will never stop worrying , thinking about and loving that child.

Answer 31

you are still a mother. My mom gave me up for adoption, and even though I didnt remember her, I still felt like I had a connection with her. As you child will have with you.