Taking responsibility?

Question

ok, in a country where we are basically unable to take responsibility for our actions, how do we change the mindset that you cant buy and sell babies?

i mean, clinton never inhaled, reagan 'didnt recall', this mind set comes through in the highest level of our society. how are we to reach the millions of people involved in adoption?

this brings me to point two of my question, i understand the ideals of making a serious effort to keep children with the biological family, but how much should be responsibile for anothers actions?

i have 5 children of my own. had my first when i was barely 18. i graduated 6 months pregnant. i took on the mother roll of my husbands children when his ex decided they were 'too much', we have had custody for 8 years now. and we have a son together. my daughter is now 17, if she gets pregnant, should i have to take in the baby? i still have many left at home to care for. this baby would take away from what i can provide for the children i have already

Answer 1

Its not selfish, its selfless. My guess is that you have a heart. And a brain.  keep using both.

Answer 2

wow you have your hands full, let your daughter kno that if she is not going to take responsibility with her boyfriend for the baby she made then the baby would need to go up for adoption, she needs to take the responsibility if shes not going to do that then she needs to feel the pain or creating a child and having to give it up

Answer 3

Now is the time to preach abstinence or birth control, I certainly wish my mom had preached to me. I was certainly naive, in the ways of the world, but when I did find myself pregnant I wish my mom had stood by my side to help me to raise my child. I'm not blaming my mom, I just wish she had been there a little more and wishes she had too. I would say to help her to raise her baby, because I can tell you that giving up a child is very sad thing to do.

Answer 4

Sister, I've said it before and I'll say it again.  You really need to get yourself a blog.

As far as an answer to your question, whether or not you offered to help you daughter with her baby is up to you.  I know that when my step sister became pregnant at nineteen, she was told she would need to leave home the minute her baby arrived.  Of course, then he actually did arrive and he was beautiful and sweet and soft and full of baby love and my dad and step mom knew there was no way they would turn him onto the streets simply because he didn't have a daddy.

My step sister and her son have not had an easy life but they also did not stay at my dad's house forever.  they got their own place when has three and have been on their own since.  She works two jobs and she works hard but they own their home and they have a life together.

Helping is not the same as rescuing or not letting your child take responsibility for their actions.  My step sister has become very responsible since having her son.  But she needed some help in the beginning to get her there.

Answer 5

Great Question:

There is an assumption by the answerers, that your daughter "if she had a baby " would stick around and take care of it. That she would grow into a parent and begin to care for her child.

Some people just aren't wired like that. Some just flat out refuse to parent.

You can preach, explain the importance, nag, insist, but you can not make a person use birth control if they are not willing.

I have seen several women in this situation, still have kids of thier own at home, and one who does not want to be tied down to the child they bore. They want the grandparent of the child to take the baby and raise it so they can go about being a teenager. They do not want to relenquish their child but instead want to impose on the family.

I do not see this as being the same as having a child and wanting to parent, yet wanting to get an education to be a better parent. I see this as being selfish and irresponsible, what my mother called "wanting your cake and eat it too".

It would be a tough decision.

Answer 6

I just started reading "the girls that went away" so maybe I'm a little sensitive, but I was also wondering the same thing.

I know for me I would do ANYTHING I could to keep my faimily together, When my sister was pregnant, her boyfriend cheated on her, SOLD everything they had including the baby thing.... down to the dog food. Of course when she gave birth, she was presured to look into her options, by the hospital staff, but for her it wasn't even an option.

She moved in with us in our 1 bedroom 600 sqft apt. I was in college and working full time. It was hard on all of us, but it was just what we did. I was raised that family does what ever they had to for eachother. The idea has it's flaws though, this also encouraged misconduct being delt with " by the family" and when I was a kid, my mother REFUSED to get medical, because it was shameful. We were always fed and had a place to live but not much beyond that.

In my job I meet families who struggle to care for their nieces, nephews, cousins, grandbabies, GREAT-grandbabies. For some of them I am the only person they can talk to. They know I bound to confidentiality (unless there is abuse or neglect or illegal activity) .  But I comfare the struggle of getting my to the struggle of losing the child forever.

I never expect anyone to take custody of my kids but if for some crazy reason I was unable to care for them I'd hope my family would step up and do what they could. Even people in the most seeming stable situations can find themselves down and out. I KNOW.

I guess you could just do what you can. It may be only for a few years, but it will have a lifetime effect.

Answer 7

Why are you creating problems that you don't have?

Life has a way of offering up its own surprises.

Answer 8

Why don't you be proactive and get her on birth control so she does not get pregnant.  Then you do not have to worry about hypotheticals.

Answer 9

Wow...I'm not quite sure I understand your question. It seems that you might actually have 2?  

One is; how can we change the mindset that PPL have about buying & selling babies?  That's a great question!  I'm not sure what the answer is.  This issue seems like a freight train rolling downhill without brakes. With IVF, donated sperm, eggs, embryos, and no concern for ethics, the future, or the kids who will one day live with the "brave new world" adults are deciding upon for them today...who will take responsibility?  The kids will have to live with the decisions their "parents" have made. These children will need to take DNA tests & carry DNA profiles cards (to be sure they aren't related to their prom dates).

The other question: Making a serious effort to keep children with their biological families & teaching responsibility starts at home. There is no better teacher than teaching by example.  When we take responsibility for our actions, we teach our children to take responsibility for their own.

We have a far greater influence on our kids than presidents, who, quiet frankly, kids don't pay much attention to.  We have more to worry about with our children watching Lindsey Lohan & Britney Spears.  So hold up these stars as examples....of what NOT to do!  

I read The Girls Who Went Away.  And for those of you too young to remember, in the 40's, 50's 60's & early 70's, women had almost no way of earning a living. They often had no way to support themselves or their children. So when their parents told them, "Don't come home with that baby!", they knew they had no place to go.  There was no welfare, or when there was, many were not told about it.

Society failed these young women, and we are still failing our kids today by failing to teach meaningful s*x education to our children. Not just how pregnancy happens, or how to avoid it. But also the emotional & financial consequences of becoming sexually active before they're ready.  And the full range of potential consequences, not just pregnancy. STD's, birth control failure rates, etc.  Not "Just say no", but "How to say no". I wish someone had taught me these things.  

Still, we don't talk to our kids.  Why? Because our grandmothers were too embarrassed to tell our moms. Our moms were too embarrassed to talk to us. We may have been reluctant to openly talk to our children, still feeling "shame" about the whole issue of s*x.  

Prior to 1940, homes for unwed mothers taught moms how to take care of their babies & provided them with job skills so they could minimally support themselves & their babies.    

I had my daughter 6 weeks after my 17th birthday. Her dad & I married. I didn't know that we were part of a changing tide of people who decided to turn away from adoption & chose instead to keep our children.  In 1970, 80% of the unwed mom relinquished their children. By 1983, only 4% did.

We must take responsibility for our children, and raise them to be responsible for their actions.  Many parents today shield their kids from the consequences of their own bad behavior. They blame teachers, neighbors, other kids. In doing so, they are not helping their kids grow into responsible adults.  

BTW: If my daughter had come home pregnant, I would have done everything in my power to help her become a responsible parent. I would stress the need to help each other - we are family after all.  Remind her of my responsibility to her sibling(s).  Help her find resources to support her in her success.  And we would find a way to get through!  I managed when she was a baby and nothing could be harder than that was.  

I would hope to NEVER lose my grandchild to adoption.

We can never regain the years lost to adoption...

Good question...

ETA: PPL have BEEN preaching abstinence (hasn't worked so far) and birth control fails (it did for me). Which is why I believe we need to "preach" or TEACH more than "just say no" and/or hand out condoms. When fully informed, many may decide to wait.  

As for other PPL's daughters, I cannot answer whether or not they would stick around to care for their child. I can only answer this question with my daughter in mind, who I do know.   I would do everything in my power to help her keep her child. Knowing her as I do, she would (have) made a great mom had she been faced with an unplanned pregnancy at a young age.

Answer 10

Personally. if my daughter got pregnant I would do anything to keep the baby in our family. I would die before I let my grandchild be raised by strangers or watched my beloved daughter suffer from that seperation.

Answer 11

I have adult children age 24 and 23 and in 2003 we adopted siblings. So I believe my older children must have been 17 and 18....

As odd as this may sound I do not believe I would "Adopt" or provide beyond a certain point for one of my grandchildren....

I would do what I could to help my child make it... I would drive places, baby sit, and assist in any way I possibley could.... At first and if it were for SAFETY I would allow living with me--and I would do everything I could to move my child to a position she or he was able to start or start again....

But, I would never---ever "take" my grandchild Not unless it was due to the death of the parents and then of course... but anything less I would not...

Even if they were to wind up in foster care--I would not TAKE them I might agree to have them stay with me, or even agree to become their gardian....  

There are ways that a young mother can learn the steps to take in order to be a sucessful mother--it may not be easy but I do believe that too many parents want to TAKE the grandchild rather than teach their own child to take care of their lives...

***okay what I wrote here didn't come out right and sounded rude so I deleted it...

Answer 12

I'm all for better, well-rounded s*x ed that really covers the topics.  But, unexpected pregnancies do happen.  If my daughter had an unexpected pregnancy, I wouldn't take on the baby.  I would, however, give my daughter a "hand up" to get the skills necessary for her to independently raise her child.  This would mean a lot of work for her, but having children is a lot of work for anyone who has them, no matter what age.  My grandmother got pregnant with my mom at age 15 (in 1945.)  That's what her parents did.  When my mom was 5, my grandmother ended up marrying my grandfather, with whom she had a happy life until her death in 1999.