Throw Her Out?

Question

My 14 year old daughter just informed me that she is pregnant by her 18 year old boy friend.

I am a single father of three girls, ages 9, 11, and 14. Their mother passed away a few years ago in a car accident.

I am not sure what to do at this point. I do not want Hayley's inappropriate actions to set a bad example for her sisters.

I am not sure if I should disown her and throw out of our house or let her stay.

I am also considering taking legal action against the father, pressing charges for statutory rape and sexual abuse of a minor in a criminal court, effectively ending their relationship.

My daughter claims that they are "in love" but I am tempted just to put him behind bars to teach her a lesson.

The young man works two jobs, has his own apartment, and wants my daughter to move in with him.

Another possibility is terminating the pregnancy. Can I legally force my daughter to have an abortion?

What should I do?

I am thinking about throwing her out and pressing charges.

Answer 1

Go to Jesus the children need guidance and more than you can offer. Pray and then you wont be preggers anymore I know someone who did this and God helped. He is real.

Answer 2

Wow, you're 16 and have a 14 - year - old?  http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

I'd say let her keep the baby; she's 12 years older than you were when you (*cough*) had her.

Answer 3

I'm the youngest of 3 daughters and nothing that my sisters did had any bearing on the decisions that I made.  She made a mistake as children do and she has to live with it but you're her Dad so you need to ensure the best life for her IE don't let her move in with some jerk.

By the way, abortion stops a beating heart, please don't do that to your grandchild.

Answer 4

I wouldn't throw her out to set an example.  They will see firsthand all the difficulty she will go through.  Your daughter made a dumb decision, and more than likely she will continue in her life with poor decision making skills, you supposed to punish her for that or try to show her the right way.

I dunno.  My stepdaughter was in a similar situation at 16.  Pregnant, in love.  We couldn't press charges, but we would have, but she was old enough that we couldn't.  At 15 we could have.  They got married and at the ripe old age of 19 she is expecting her 2nd, still no high school diploma, and struggling daily to make ends meet.  Decision making skills still very sketchy.

Your daughter is probably frightened and scared to death.  I think making her have an abortion is also very wrong....kill her child because she made a bad decision, what about the value of life?  Why not urge her to give this baby up for adoption to a stable, two parent home, where it will have all the opportunities instead of killing it.  geez.

Anyway, I wish I could tell you that having been through this all I have all the magical wonderful right answers, but I don't.  I still sit at home and wonder if we did the right thing, with each dealing.  Do we buy them another car?  Do we wait till they are kicked out of their house, etc etc etc.

If you love your daughter, be there for her and let her know you love her.  Don't turn your back on her.  She doesn't have her mother, she needs you.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I agree with Uni.  She has good insight.

Second, your daughter needs you.  She needs you bad.  Don't disown her unless you never made a mistake either, ok?

Let her know you do not and cannot support or approve of what happen, but this doesn't change your love for her.  The kid has been through enough w/ losing a mom.

Forcing your kid to have an abortion is bringing a lifetime of guilt upon her.  Don't do it.

If I were in your shoes - I would support my daughter, use it as an example of what not to do for the younger ones (give them some credit, they'll see the mistake and learn) and support your daughter in raising this child.

Also, I WOULD contact police regarding the relationship.

Answer 6

Shes only 14 throwing her out wont solve anything. Yes you should press charges. But you should talk to her...help her. Shes your daughter. I dont think you can force her to have an abortion, but adoption is always an answer if your both willing. There are people out there that would love to have a baby.

Answer 7

Oh my goodness, you cannot be serious.  If that guy has 2 jobs, he can definitely help her out. Throwing your young daughter out will help nothing. It really sucks that she doesn't have her mother around because she may have been a little more understanding. I know how it feels to be young. And pregnant. I had a baby at the age of 16. My father pretty much hated me for a while. Then the baby was born and he loves his little granddaughter now. I couldn't imagine her ever knowing her grandfather didn't want her in this world. She needs you the most right now. And my dad's reaction broke my heart. It seems similar to yours, except the father was 17 and he is still there for her. Don't let your daughter move in with him. Keep her with you. And make her explain to her sisters she made a mistake.

Answer 8

You cant make her have an abortion.  If you throw her out she will most likely drop out of school.  If I were you, I would press charges against her bf.  What 18 year old wants a little girl as a gf? Thats wrong, I can see a 2 year age difference like 16 and 18, but not anything more then that.  Then I would talk to your daughter about adoption.

Answer 9

Get to know her boyfriend.  Maybe he's a decent guy and maybe they are ion love.  I will tell you that if you kick her out, press charges against him and force an abortion, she will hate you forever.  And that will not set a good example for her or her sisters.  You all have already have lost their mother in your lives, do you really want to lose Hayley as well?  Think about it.  I know it's hard and you are angry and upset.  But try to be rational and understanding.  She is probably scared to death right now and she will need your support sooner or later...

Answer 10

Hello,

I'm going to be as kind as I can about this, but frankly, I think you're going down the wrong road here. First of all, I understand that you're feeling let down and angry. I don't think you should support your daughter's (let's face it) S****y behavior. And I think you're right for wanting to protect your other kids from being caught in the middle of it. But she is still your daughter and there are so many other options other than the ones you're looking at. Besides, I think your oldest is a prime example of what NOT to do for your younger daughters. Just tell them "This is what s*x does". They won't have s*x until they're adults.  So please hear me out.

Ok, so let's look at this from all angles. First of all, did you and/or your late wife talk to her about s*x? Or did she learn it from kids at school? Did you ever sit down with her and warn her against premarital s*x or tell her what the consequences are? And did you know she was having s*x at all? Getting pregnant isn't a sin-- having premarital s*x is. I'm sure you're overwhelmed by being a single parent to 3 girls, but did you honestly have no idea that they were dating each other at all? Did she sneak out in the middle of the night? Or did you know she had boyfriends and let her do whatever she wanted? Because if you didn't talk to her about s*x or the consequences or if you knew she was doing it, you're partially to blame-- not that you "made" her do it, but you didn't warn her against it.

With all that said.... I agree with you that my first reaction would be to send him to jail. She's under the legal age to consent to s*x. He knew that before he started having s*x with her. She claims she's "in love", but all 14 yr old girls claim they're in love and not a single one of them knows what real love is. But putting him in jail, while it seems like the right thing to do, might just cause more problems. She could run away or hurt herself or even kill herself because she's so bewildered and feels like everyone in her life has left her-- her mother, you and her boyfriend. So if you send him to jail, you're going to have to keep a close eye on her and stay connected with all 3 of your girls.

And don't kick her out. Please, I beg you, don't do that! I know you're upset, but that isn't love at all. You've made wrong decisions a trillion times in your life. You're a fallible person just like her. The only difference is now everyone knows what she did and you're feeling embarrassed about it. She's 14. What would she do? Where would she go? Would you honestly want your daughter to be homeless? Especially when she needs you the most? You'd probably go to jail if you kicked her out because that's child abuse/neglect. If she has grandparents that will take her in, that could be an option.

And no, you cannot legally force your daughter to have an abortion. It's HER decision. And it's the wrong one. 70% of women who've had abortions are either suicidal, depressed, feel worthless, can't have more kids, or have nightmares about the life they ended. It sounds like a quick fix, but it's not. She should deal with the consequences of her actions and continue with the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption so a couple who can't have kids can have a family. She's not even old enough to work and you shouldn't have to pay the way for her and her baby. And remember-- it's not the baby's fault. It's just an innocent baby... it didn't choose to be born into this mess.

If she was my daughter, here's what I'd do. I'd have her boyfriend arrested. And put a restraining order against him so they can't see each other anymore. If he comes near her, he's in jail for violating the restraining order. I'd punish my daughter-- thoroughly. She'd get a spanking just for the humility involved and she'd be under "house arrest". If she has a cell phone or computer, I'd take them away. She'd go to and from school and that's it. If she was going to keep the baby, I'd make her go to parenting classes and take her to all her doctor's appointments. If she wanted to give it up for adoption, I'd help her with that. She'd start picking up extra chores around the house. Pregnancy and parenting are hard-- there is no way I'd let her off easy. She'd get a job. She'd share a room with the baby. And she wouldn't be allowed to date until she turned 18 or moved out of my house. I'd still love her and let her stay. But I'd make sure she knew that what she did was wrong.

Just remember, she's your daughter and you love her. She made some STUPID decisions. But you can deal with them. She needs your help right now. There's a baby in her belly whether you like it or not and that baby needs proper nutrition and medical care and your daughter needs her father.

Answer 11

My dear Ryan....

That's quite a complex situation you're facing. I have lotsof empathy with yu, since I had to raise 2 children on my own as well, so I KNOW...HOW you feel !!! Let's take on this "problem" maturely...-"Throwing her out"- does NOT ..."solve" anything...-on the contrary-!!! You'll only achieve, that she'll "run into his arms looking for shelter" !!! Disowning her is NOT "changing" anything & is probably just your (angry & disappointed) reaction, which I can sympathize with, but doesn't bring any "solutions" either... So: let's search for a decent solution !!!

I know, people in the US are real sensitive on the "abortion-issue" & will want to "kill me" for making this remark, but that is what I would do with my daugther in order to let her continue her education, I would discuss the abortion option with her. Obviously, you would end up having to take care of a newborn baby "on top" of caring for the 3 kids (which is already "enough work & dedication) if you let her carry out the pregnancy....-

The next option would be to contact an adoption-agency in order to make arrangements for adoption. Naturally, in either case, you'll have to sit down with Hayley calmly & discuss all these options. You'll have to weigh the "Pro's & Con's" adaquately, see what her "view" is, etc. - I'm sure, she'll want to finish her education...so: ask her HOW she intends to accomplish this with the current  "state" she's in ? The easiest way out would be to have an abortion & afterwards : Please get her some type of contraceptive!!!

Pressing charges against the guy...really isn't solving anything either, because Hayley would still be in her predictment wether he's "in...-or-...out of jail" ! Maybe all three of you sit down for a serious talk & try to come up with the most reasonable solution for ALL concerned!! I'm sure, they would want to "move together", etc., but WHERE would this leave Hayley in case "one day"  he decides to "pick-up & leave"??? She'll be uneducated, has to live off welfare & that's definately NOT an "aspiring" perspective for Haleys future!!!! So...have a serious talk with them both & hopefully, you'll come up with a workable solution!!!

I wish you & your family all the strength you need to go through this conflict situation & all the best for the future! Greetings from Germany with all my love & care... Annette**

Answer 12

I know I have no clue what is goign on in your life or anything but you are being an ***, i mean no offense bu that is your little girl! what the h**l kind of father would throw out their little girl?! i know you're outraged and all but have you considered that maybe they are in love and why should you be able to tell her who to love? I know you are her father and all but you cant control who she loves.

Answer 13

"I am not sure if I should disown her and throw out of our house or let her stay."

That seems like a no-brainer.  There's a great idea, throw out your 14 year old daughter and her unborn baby to fend for themsevles.  What kind of parent are you?  I can only imagine how horrible this siutation must be for you, as my daughter is still a baby.  But I would like to think that if she ever got pregnant, although I would be incredibly disappointed, angry, etc. she is still my daughter and I still love her.  And at 14 she is still a child to be protected.

I don't think you can legally force her to have an abortion, but why would you want to anyway?   I understand that she made a very grave mistake, and you are angry.  Please do not take that out on an unborn child.  Put the baby up for adoption, there are lots of wonderful people out there who would love to have a child but are unable to.  Give them, and the baby, a chance.

Press charges on the boyfriend, if you really think that is going to solve anything or make a bad situation better.  But I highly doubt it.  What your daughter needs the most right now is her Dad.

Edit - You ARE good, having a baby when you're 2???  See Bosox27 reply  HA HA HA!!

Answer 14

well i think u shouldnt throw her out what for? so she could probably hate u ? i htink u should let her chose let her move in with her boyfriend so she could kno what she has gotten her self into! am pregnant as well and i am 1 year older than her abortion isnt the answer here thats just taking the easy way out and this wont make her any more reponsible okay why would u want to press charges yes i kno u are very hurt but this would kill ur daughter she would be very depressed am guessing if they really love each other and want to keep the baby then let her keep the baby! if she aborts she mite get pregnant again and abort and keep on aborting! killing and insent little baby who isnt at fault! puttign him behind bars wont teach her a lesson it would make her hate u because if she does kepp it that baby will grow up with out a father

**NOTE TO ALL TEENS iT MAY BE HARD AS h**l AT FIRST BUT EVERYTHIGN HAPPEN FOR A REASON DONT LET UR PARNETS KILL UR INSENT BABY**

*ABORTION IS WRONG!!**

**LET UR DAUGHTER PICK**

Answer 15

Wow, Dad, I feel for you. This is a hefty situation that you've got on your plate.

I am a mother of a 14 year old girl. Nothing like that has happened to her, yet, thank goodness, but I wouldn't put it past any 14-yr-old.

I am sure I can just imagine the situation:

Dad works full time, possibly over time or two, or three jobs just to make ends meet.

Dad is watching all three of his kids approach teen years in an assembly line, one after another, and sees his eldest taking the wrong road. Dad is at wit's end.

My suggestion:

Your daughter is in serious danger. When I say danger, I mean danger in the fact that she's pregnant, her hormones are going wacko, because that's what women's hormones do at any age when they've conceived, and she's possibly facing an abortion, to put her baby up for adoption, losing the love of her life (or so she thinks), and terribly disappointing her dad. First, you have to see it from your girl's point of view.

Disowning her is not helping her at all. Disowning translates into rejection, and though we both know that it takes two to make a baby, she was lured by someone of legal age. He, at 18 knows better than she, at 14, so you cannot completely fault her. You can fault her at about half. So to disown her is faulting her 100%. That's not fair, Dad.

Next, you all need to seek professional guidance. This mountain is much too big for all of you. This will help all of you to cry it out, get it all out on the table and will prepare you to see things more clearly. I know it doesn't look that way now, but after some good old fashioned dialogue with a third party, it will eventually present itself as a little clearer.

I don't see it strange or even demonic to be livid with her. Just don't be so livid that you lose sight of your love for her. Her assurance of your love, above and beyond, will help her to sway in a better direction. In other words, if this experience knocks her for a loop, believe me, it will scare her straight and she will take the forward path in the future, so don't give up on your little girl yet. If you do, the others will suffer in many more ways than you can imagine and you'll lose more than your wits at that point.

Next, LOVE HER!!! Take her in your arms, and if you don't believe it right now, pretend that you do and hug her like you've never hugged any family member before, look her in the eyes and say, Sweetheart, you mean the world to me, there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. We will get through this and I promise you that things will get better, then take her in your arms for a long hug. She'll cry. You'll cry, but you'll be glad you stepped up to the plate. Then sit down with her, talk to her and tell her that you and she will be going for counseling. Don't yet discuss abortion, adoption. This is not the time, as of yet. Wait until you're in front of a third party to do this most difficult task, because, Dad, you're going to need all the help you can get. So, sit tight. First things first is to assure her that she's still your little girl and that this is a hurdle, a huge one, nonetheless, but one that you all will get through together. Your other daughters included, because they're going to be watching just how you handle this situation with your eldest daughter. Now is the time that you need to have your judgement with you at every turn. Every moment counts. This will test you beyond incomprehensible limits. Just go with it and see the light at the end of the tunnel. You'll make it through.

Good luck to all of you.

Answer 16

She may have not gotten over not having her mother. The last thing she needs is for her father to abondon her too. It is an awful situation but you want your younger girls  to see a good example. Let them see a dad who loves his girls  unconditionally and will stand by them no matter what. If you abandon the 14 year old, the others will never feel comfortable talking to you when they have an issue. They will be in fear of you; thus you be abandoning them too. It will also hurt them to see their big sister thrown out when she is in trouble and to know possibly that a baby is being aborted. I understand you feel angry and betrayed but don't endanger her. If she gets thrown out she will have no where to go but her boyfriend's. If he is being arrested, she will be prey for predators out in the street. Is there a stable loving relative or friend that could take her in?  She could live there until the child is born and given up for adoption.

Good luck to you.

Answer 17

tough situation.  Definitely press charges on the boyfriend.  I don't know if you can legally force the abortion, but I would call around to Planned Parenthood or other clinics and ask them.  If abortion isn't an option, there is always adoption. Most teenagers think they are "in love" when all it is is lust.  As her only parent, you shouldn't throw her out and disown her...that will only force her to make worse decisions and ruin her life more.  Sit down with your other 2 daughters and explain to them that her actions are inappropriate and shameful and that they should not take after her.  Good luck

Answer 18

As angry and upset you may be with your daughter, throwing her out is not going to make things better or set a good example for your other 2 daughters.  Then they will be scared that if they s***w up you will throw them out.  Then they may not come to you if they need advice/help because they would be too scared of the consequences.  Do you want to loose their trust?

You can press charges against the boy, but what is that going to accomplish?  That will, first off, drive your daughter even closer to him.  He will not end up in jail I'm sure.  Not for statutory rape.  And your daughter was most likely "willing" so why blame him only?  Just because he is older?  I know it is frustrating and unfair, but is it fair for you to ruin his life because of a mistake they BOTH made?

Does your daughter look up to you? Trust you?  Can she come to you with problems?  If so, you are lucky.  You can sit down and talk to her about this and find the best solution.  I would agree that at 14, termination is the best solution, however you need to help her decide and not force her to do what you want.  And you most definitely need to let her know you are there for her or she will end up doing what her boyfriend wants.

You can also use this opportunity to talk to your other daughter's about s*x and its consequences.

Is it possible to talk to a professional about this?

Answer 19

It was ok that she had an 18 year old bf before she got pregnant, now your upset and want to throw him in jail? Its just as much her fault as it is his - obviously she was just as willing to do the deed as he was. I dont think any charges should be brought against him. Talk to her about adoption - as abortion is just wrong!!  I dont think abortion is the answer to your problem, might cause more for everyone. If you force her to have an abortion then charges should be brought against you also - maybe you and the bf could share a cell.

Answer 20

First off... Don't press charges cause it takes 2 to tango... You know that haveing 3 children... It's just as much your daughters fault as it his. Let your daughter move in with him and let her learn her lesson that life is hard. The other two will learn from her mistakes trust me. Just be there for her when things don't go all lemon and peaches...

I'm 22 I'm 30 weeks pregnant I moved in with my bf cause we were SO in love, and now I'm fixing to be a single mommy...