Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
Drivers:
If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.
This should help the car start and send them on their way.
Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed.
In the morning, simply move it all back again.
Car thieves:
Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
Depressed people:
Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
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