Untitled poems I wrote feedback?

Question

Ok so they're a little "emo" some of them but honest feedback would be REALLY appreciated, they are untitled but numbered.

1

You said it to me

did you mean it?

we never could be

I was afraid to commit

a tortured breath

escapes my tunneled throat

closer to death…

my crushed lungs try an float

how long is it before I sink,

someone pull the plug

almost a corpse I refuse to blink,

going to a grave never dug.

2

a child screams, the torment is clear

the intent the same as my ending I fear

running in circles only to find there’s a wall

something is there to stop hope for us all

something is watching, wating for you

hoping that you will choose to persue

a full emptiness encompasses the room

you’re threatened to drown in the impending gloom

time is so short when your life has aim

so d**n long when every day’s the same

and you always wait thinking walls will move

but its insane solidity will not remove

and you will always be here waiting

soon your loving is turned to hating

and the world has turned its back

the light of truth has charred to black

and who will ever know your tears

nothing is ever what it appears

3

I was an epic masterpiece before you tore me apart

you took me on that day I will never forget

you forced it outta’ me, I don’t wanna’ admit

you were always the only one for me

you clouded my vision so I couldn’t see

you told me to wait, but where were you

you never returned, I knew you were through

Shards from the picture cut through my heart.

4

im a prisoner in a jail of hands

strangling me, im so full of demands

a little child always longing for more

you strangle me till I can’t ignore

what you do to me is beyond pain

you do it when there’s nothing to gain

you torture me through self suffocation

my hands struggle without motivation

remove these ropes that bind me

quit pretending to care, set me free

I won’t be victim to your fierce hate

if I leave today its already too late

been waiting for this day for so long

I don’t know how I’ve been so strong

I just need someone to take me away

I won’t ever come back to you I say

words falsified the moment spoken

I will return once I’m broken

I’ll be back in a long black box

but my hands will be free of your locks

and I will lay cold with a smile on my face

and nevermore will I be your disgrace

5

you joined the superficial war

you don’t even want to talk anymore

so what why should I care?

its just my heart you’ve begun to tear

I thought you would always be there

but after all promises are made of air.

I told you everything there was to know

you helped me hang on and never let go

no longer important, you’ve moved on

I believed so hard in you, but you’re gone

I never thought that I was just a pawn

out of life out of you, I’ve withdrawn

I wish I could hate you

but h**l, I guess I always knew

there was no way you could like me

I don’t know how I didn’t see

you never meant it when you said “we”

proud is something I’ll never be

6

I belong in a circus as part of the show

the final act where I lose everyone i know

and the person closest i shove away

the crowd cheering at all the words I say

I'm not sure why I love to live in hate

something I grew up in, I guess its fate

maybe I don't want to hurt anyone

so I just shove myself inside a gun

incessant talking to cover the silence

i'm afraid someone will have the sense

to climb past my superficial sin

that is something i'll never do again

because no one ever really cares

7

Im runnin down that little hall,

with that knife I’m bound to fall

but I’m not alone getting hurt

as I fall into the dirt…

People watchin screamin at me

I don’t know why they couldn’t see

I now know it was wrong for me

so s***w it all I’m who I wanna be

tired of my stupid thinkin’

time to float and finish sinkin’

I’m movin on from desperation

tryin to find some restoration

arms reach out to drag me along

forgettin all the things I done wrong

they don’t think I’m quite so messed up

tellin’ me the world is ****** up

the mirror keeps on staring me down

watchin me when I turn aroun’

I can’t get away from it’s stare

because it knows why I’m sittin there

sometimes I really wanna see

what you people think you see in me

8

Drenched in my own tears

My mind drifts to my worst fears

Wishing they would all come true

I wish I had never fallen for you

The steam drifts off the pavement

but my head is filled with his scent

He hates me for who I am

Doesn't even give a d**n

I know I'm pathetic, don't need to be told

I can be sweating but still feel the cold

Promises broken so d**n easily

I don't know why i couldn't see

But why shouldn't he hate me?

9

& I’ve contemplated death countless times

a release from this endless torment

an intimate longing for my trepid descent

the desire searing holes beneath fragile ground

I crave closure and b

Answer 1

I think sometimes people try so hard to find words that rhyme that the poem ends up stiff and shallow. I write in a free verse when I am feeling great emotion. This enables me to express it honestly. Finally a poem should satisfy you, not some one else. How did the poem make you feel after you wrote it? Sure it's nice to get stroked by others, but unless your planning on selling your poems I wouldn't worry what others think.

Answer 2

They are too much for anyone to give adequate feedback. Please post them in smaller numbers. (the first one was okay)

*Edit*

I agree with artguy, forcing rhymes take the whole appeal from your poem. If you can't, then why bother yourself? write in freeverse. Bear in mind, a good poem needs to be artistic. it needs to convey your message and drown us in your thoughts and feelings at the same time. what you need to worry about most is to how put the words, make metaphors or tropes and the rhetorics.