Views on trial separation please?

Question

hubby and i have been together 22 years 2 kids 7 and 11, He tells me he needs space, doesn't know if he loves me or not but cares very much, he tells me there is no hope for us in the near future but maybe in the distant future and would like a trial seperation but comes to see me and the kids everyday more or less,do i agree to this or kick him out of my life, thanks

Answer 1

Trial separations are great.  It makes it real easy have a trial marriage with someone else or to get some on the side without the spouse popping in and ruining everything with a bunch of drama.  While hubby is gone, this is your chance to try out that hot new stud at (work, hardware store, service station, etc.).

Answer 2

I'd tell him to make his mind up one way or the other, its not just you he's messing around its the kids, it will affect their sense of security.  If he still doesn't know if he loves you after 22 years I think its safe to say he doesn't and this trial seperation thing is probably his chickensh*t way of breaking up with you - he probably thinks it will soften the blow to string it out - this is not good for you nor the kids - kick him out!!

Answer 3

i dont think you should kick him out that would be a bit harsh! u have been together for a long time so maybe he just loves u but is not in love with you after years of being together it does fade away,maybe u just need to put that spice back in your lifes of when you first met,and also having 2 kids can put pressure on the realtionship espeacily when you dont get much time to your selfs,most ppl when they split up and have been together for so long almost always get back together cause they end up missing one another plus hes used to u and u know eachother inside out,just agree to it and see what happens get the spark back in your realtionship  

Answer 4

He almost certainly has another woman lined up to move in with.

Tell him if he leaves you will find out who she is and sue his backside off in the divorce courts.

When my husband left me for another woman, he said that he would like to come round every day, eat meals with us, do things 'together as a family' (barf barf) - and then go home each evening to this chit barely out of her teens. He wanted to live double the life for the price of one, while I made do with half a life. I refused. You should, too.  

Answer 5

In my opinion, you'd be wise to insist on marriage counseling if he wants to 'come over'.   Both of you would benefit and the kids would get through with fewer scars if they know you're both trying to make life better...no matter what the final outcome. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

It sounds like he has a plan, so be prepared, this doesn't sound good.

Answer 7

Sounds like he has a woman on the side that he wants to try to work things out with. He just want the security of being able to come back if things don't work. If he wants to separate, then give it to him. Follow it by a divorce.

Answer 8

How does a guy come to a conclusion like this after 22 years together?  There is no reason for you to allow him to put your life on hold for him.  Are you expected to remain "committed" to him?  Trial separations just dont make sense - its an excuse for him to go explore - and when he doesnt find something "better" - he'll come crawling back.  You (and your kids) do not deserve that.  He's in or he's out - I vote out.

Answer 9

Bit of reverse psychology I think. Tell him that's fine but a separation means just that and he can't come over everyday - that just defeats the object. As he wants to leave you with the kids and family responsibilities, tell him things will be on your terms from now on. Change the roles - don't let him make all the decisions. He might not like this and realise that he's perhaps going about things the wrong way.

Answer 10

It seems like a lot has gone on between you.  It sounds to me like he is going through a phase where he is not sure what he wants.  Some people like to call it "midlife crisis".  The way I see it, if he is coming to see you and the kids everyday, it looks like something that will not last long.  He will soon be back with you, obviously, if that is what you want!

You also need to see how YOU feel about it all.  Do you still love him?  Do you want him to stay with you?  If your answer is yes, then be patient to him.  I don't think there is anything else going on, since he comes to see you every day.

Good luck!

Answer 11

Trial separations for me always seem like a way for the person who suggests them to have their cake and eat it too! They get a few weeks of freedom and can test the water to see whether it is what they want or not but at the same time they have the security of knowing they have a partner waiting for them if they choose to return to it. In the mean time the other partner has to wait patiently whilst the other decides what they want! As you can tell, i'm not a huge fan of the trial separation idea and I wouldn't advise you to agree to it. Your husband needs to decide what he wants and he can't expect you to wait around for him whilst he has a bit of freedom to see if its as good as he remembers. Why don't the two of you go away for a weekend without the children and have some time away from the daily routine and chores to see if it is still each other you want? You need to work through this together, not apart.

Answer 12

To me and keep in mind this is just my personal feelings I think someone telling me or anyone they need a trial separation is a bunch of bull. This is simply a way of keeping the door open while you see if you want someone else all it does is give the person waiting a false sense of hope and if the person comes back because they didn't find what they were looking for or the grass isn't greener it leaves people thinking trial separations work and that it is a good thing it is not when you have problems you stay and work them out that is a real marriage.

Answer 13

Do whatever you think is best, but I would not accept his offer.  I would sit him down and say you need to talk.

If I were you, I'd explain that when I married, I married for life.  Marriage is not easy and it takes a lot of work.  I'd explain that we married Til Death Do Us Part, not Til I'm Sick of This, right!?  Tell him that you've worked through all your issues in the marriage (all couples have them) and that you expect him to do the same for you.  He may be having issues but when a married couple has issues they should pull one another closer and work through them together, not push one another away to find space and heal alone.

If he is unwilling to do this and is 100% hellbent on taking this "trial separation" (which by the way I think is BS, he probably just wants a divorce and figures this is the easiest way out) I'd tell him fine, take your "trial separation" but I will not be here when you get back.  I will be filing for divorce, because this is a breach of our vows and the commitments we made to one another.  If I were you, I would choose to take the road of deserving more respect.  If he cannot respect you or the vows he took with you than he can leave permanently.

Like I said though, do whatever you think works best for you.  Good luck.

Answer 14

Heck no!  He is going through the midlife crisis BS and is going to get the security he has with you and the ability to come 'round whenever he wants while sowing his wild oats on the side.  If he isn't sure that he loves you tell him you aren't sure if a trial separation is the answer because that will only make you grow farther apart.  Seek counseling as soon as you can as the counselor will call out what is really going on.

Answer 15

I think hes trying make a break but doesn't want it to seem so harsh and in your face as a plain divorce would.

If you have the patience for such nonsense ok then wait. He may just want to date and keep you on the line too in case he cant find anything better.

Answer 16

You can't really kick him out of your life altogether because of your kids. But maybe everyday is a little too much, keep it to a schedule such as one day during the week and one day over the weekend. Don't let him dictate when and what time he visits, that's for you to decide, he's got a life outside of your home and so should you. Observe his behaviour for a while and see how you feel after a few weeks, you may realise your not in love with him anymore either and you want a permanent separation or he may find that it was just a moment of madness and come back. The only person who can decide what to do is you, think long and hard about any future you have together if there is one to look forward too. Having him decide to live his own life all the time is gonna be hard so if he can't stay forgood he shouldn't stay at all. It would eb too much for your children!

Answer 17

there is something more to it, find out what it is...

Answer 18

hes got a girl friend i bet a 100 bucks so get all you can from him and drop him

Answer 19

He wants to keep you on the backburner.  Don't let him visit every day.  Definitely set boundaries and DO NOT wait around for him to come back to you, move on.   You cant really kick him out of your life (your kids need to know their father).